Page 74 of Heal You
“Iamsorry.I feel terrible.”
Morgan simply shrugged.If Finn wanted to feel terrible, that was her own choice.But this would be the last time anyoneevermeddled in Morgan’s life.“Whatever you told her, you’re probably right.She probably sensed it, and that’s why I’m here, alone, once again.”
“Let me fix this.Please.”
“I understand that you’re sorry, but I don’t need you turning up at Jan’s place with a guilty conscience.It won’t help anything.She’s asked for space.She’s told me where she stands.I have to respect that.As Jan’s friend, I’d hope you’d respect it, too.”
“Gillian will?—”
“Gillian won’t do shit.She hates me.She’ll be glad to see the back of me.”Morgan leaned back against the wall next to her bedroom door.“Whydoesshe hate me?And don’t tell me she doesn’t because I see right through it.”
“She’s never once said that to me.As far as I’m aware, she has no problem with you.”Finn’s eyes held a sincerity, but Morgan wasn’t convinced.“I swear to you, she’s never said anything bad about you.”
Morgan nodded.She couldn’t be bothered to discuss this any longer.The only person she cared about, the only person she wanted to defend herself to…was gone.Even if Jan hadn’t specifically stated that she’d called it quits, Morgan knew she had.She felt it in her heart.“I really have nothing left to say.”
“Then I’ll say what I have to say.”Finn rose to her feet and lowered her glass to the coffee table.“I’ve known you for a while now.In that time, all I’ve seen is a multitude of one-night stands come and go.Whenever I ask you about settling down, you dismiss the conversation, or at one time, you would have thrown it back at me.I’m now learning that I don’t fully know the real you, but what I do know is that you’re a good person, and I’ve hurt you.By trying to protect one friend, I’ve hurt another.You may not believe me, but it wasnevermy intention for this to happen, Morgan.When Jan left our place earlier, she didn’t once insinuate that she wouldn’t be seeing you again.The way she spoke about you, how her eyes lit up when she brought up your name…evenI’msurprised she’s not here.”Finn’s shoulders slumped as she sighed.“It’s…why I came here.To apologise to you together.”
Morgan’s bottom lip quivered as Finn spoke from the heart.“I’m very good at showing what I want people to see.With Jan, I was myself.She liked it…I think.You know, what she saw in me.”Morgan stared down at the floor.“But I don’t think I’ll ever have the chance to settle down.Not after this.I can’t deal with being dropped all the time.”How could Morgan look forward to settling down when even her own friend had been against it?“I did think the potential was there with Jan, but I realise now that I was wrong, and I was hoping for something completely unobtainable.”
“Morgan—”
“I know you feel bad.Part of me is happy that you feel that way.You put those thoughts and ideas about me in Jan’s head.The rest of me just feels sad.For losing Jan and for losing you.”
“You haven’t lost me.”Finn’s brows drew together.“Why the hell would you think you’d lost me?”
“Because I choose to walk away from this friendship, Finn.I choose to put myself first and not keep people who don’t want to see me succeed in my space.I want friends who back me.I want friends who fight for me.You…you basically stabbed me in the back, and I won’t hang around long enough for you to twist the knife a little deeper.”
Finn stood open-mouthed, blinking repeatedly.“Morgan, this is all going to work out.I know it will.Just give it some time with Jan.As for me… Well, I understand that I’ve hurt you, and I know I’ve fucked our friendship up.”
“Jan is never going to risk losing Gillian, and I’d never expect her to.But I do wish people would back me once in a while.Trust that I’m a decent person, you know?”
Finn looked back at Morgan with tears in her eyes.
“She’s going to need you both, Finn.Please take care of her.”Morgan stepped towards the counter and took cash from her wallet.“Pick some flowers up for me and take them over.A second housewarming or a ‘sorry I took advantage of you’.Whatever shit you decide to feed her on arrival.”
Finn’s shoulders slumped.“You should take flowers to her.”
“She doesn’twantto see me.”Morgan felt her anger beginning to rear its head again.“What part of that don’t you fucking understand?!”
Finn held up her hands.“Okay, okay.I get it.You want me to leave.”
“I wanted you to leave the moment you walked into the bar.”Morgan did step into her bedroom this time, a shiver working its way up her spine when she caught a subtle hint of Jan’s perfume.“You know the most fucked up thing about all of this?I was falling for her, Finn.The only reason I forced myself not to was because Jan isn’t in a place where she can even consider a good, strong relationship right now.But I was.I was falling hard.”
Morgan slammed her bedroom door shut and turned, pressing her back to it as she slid to the floor.Whatever the future held, it wouldn’t involve Jan.
She took her phone from her pocket, gave herself a moment to breathe, and typed out a message.
You know where I am if you ever need anything.Having you, even if only briefly, has been the greatest pleasure of my life.Take care of yourself, Jan x
With a deep sense of loss sitting in her chest, Morgan sniffled and jumped a little when she heard her front door close.Today had started out so perfectly, and now, Morgan didn’t know where to turn.The one friend she usually talked things through with had actively destroyed what she was building.If Morgan had learned anything recently, it was that she had to look after herself and never rely on anyone else.
Chapter29
Jan stared backat herself in the bathroom mirror, her eyes sunken from her lack of sleep.Realistically, her sleep troubles should have been because of Phil, but they weren’t.She missed Morgandeeply.Her laugh, that smile, the ease Jan felt around her.She missed turning up at the bar, knowing she would be in the best of company.But most of all, she missed the way Morgan’s arms felt wrapped around her.
When she’d left Gillian’s place a week ago, she hadn’t known what the next step would be.All she knew was that she needed to lock herself away at home and pray this nightmare would be over sooner rather than later.Nothing made any sense, and most of the time during this last week, Jan felt as though she was on the outside watching her miserable life unfold.
She felt detached.She felt so far removed from the life she’d once had that she was struggling to come to terms with it…or see a way forward.When she’d texted Morgan, she hadn’t been thinking straight.All she saw down the line was more pain.More judgement.More turmoil.Jan never wanted to be the woman who brought that to anyone’s life, so she’d fled.Not very far, but to her home.The one thing she could call her own.
