Page 60 of Heal You
“I can’t have children.We found that out very early on in our marriage.”Jan plucked a tissue from the box on the coffee table and dabbed at her eyes.Her mascara was already down her face, but Morgan would never point that out.It wasn’t necessary.“I already feel humiliated and inadequate because he was having an affair with a woman much younger than me.This just adds another blow to how I feel about myself.”
Morgan placed a hand on Jan’s cheek and sat up on her knees.“I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you, but I am here for you.Your friends will be here for you too when you tell them this latest development.But youhaveto let them in, Jan.”
“I don’t want to let anyone into my bubble with you.Because whether I tell them about Phil knocking up our employee or whether I tell them about us, you’re in my bubble.In my life.You’re the only thing that makes any sense lately.And in all honesty, that’s a pretty fucked up place to be in my head.”Jan scoffed.“I mean, you’re a woman.I’m only just out of a marriage to a man.Yes, my university days happened, but I still didn’t think I’d ever find myself in bed with a woman.”
Morgan swallowed.She had to prepare herself for the possibility that Jan wouldn’t want to do this anymore.Eventually, she would come to her senses.Morgan knew it.“If you need space and to not be here with me, I get it.I just want you to do the best for you, babe.Nobody else.Just you.”
“And what about you?”Jan held Morgan’s hand against her face.
“I’m used to women deciding they don’t want to be with me.I’ve lost count of how many have walked away.It’s nothing new in my life.”Morgan hadn’t expected her voice to break, but it did.“Just promise to be honest and upfront with me.If you don’t want to do this, if I’m not potentially in your future, please tell me that.Don’t ghost me.I’d hate to never see you again.”
“I wouldneverdo that to you.”
Morgan’s phone pinged on the table.She reached for it quickly, wanting Jan to know she had her full attention.
Tyler is on his way in.He can be here within the hour.He said he’ll lock up tonight with Megan.
Morgan shifted to the couch and sat beside Jan, relaxing into the soft leather.She turned her face to Jan when Jan also sat back and sighed, searching her eyes.“You wanna get out of here for a while?”
“Wouldn’t that be lovely?”Jan inched her hand towards Morgan’s and took it.“And for the record, I’m not walking away from you.You’re the only person I look forward to seeing lately.”
Morgan’s heart thrummed.God, she’d got lucky here.She just hoped it could last.“I look forward to seeing you, too.”
“You should probably get back down to the bar.”A sadness settled in Jan’s eyes.“I’ll get myself together and head back to the hotel.”
“I have the rest of the afternoon and night off.”Morgan shifted closer to Jan and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.“I asked Tyler to work so I could be here for you.”
Jan sat up and turned to Morgan, a look of disbelief flashing across her face.“You…took the rest of the day off for me?”
“Yeah.Wanted to be here because you walked into the bar in a terrible state.”
“Morgan, I?—”
“We don’t need to talk about it.Iwantto be here with you.”Morgan leaned in and kissed Jan gently.“After the week we’ve just spent together, I hated not being with you last night.”Morgan was always mindful of what she said to Jan, aware that this could turn in a split second.“I know I have no right to feel that way, to miss you, but I can’t help how I feel.”
“Does it make me needy if I say that knowing you miss me makes me feel better about all of this?”
Morgan smiled.“No, not at all.”
“I…missed you too last night.”
Okay, Morgan hadn’t expected Jan to feel the same way.How could she when she had so much to deal with?“O-oh.”
“Don’t sound so surprised.Is it not quite clear that I enjoy being with you?”
“Well, yeah.I just…I don’t know.I couldn’t tell you the last time anyone missed me.”
Jan smiled into another kiss, her hand palming Morgan’s thigh.“Knowing what you’re capable of, I bet Amanda misses you.”
“Amanda has been the furthest thing from my mind since you came up here with me the night you were in the bar.Trust me, what I had with Amanda isnotwhat I have with you.”
“Maybe weshouldget out of here for a while.If we don’t, we’re going to be very naked very soon.”
“You make that sound like a hardship for me,” Morgan whispered against Jan’s lips.Her palms grew clammy, her pulse thundered in her ears, but Jan was right.Maybe getting out for a couple of hours was a good idea.Some fresh air would do them both the world of good.A little rain wouldn’t stop them.“But yeah, let’s get outside for a bit.Then hopefully, I can have you all to myself here later.”
* * *
Seatedat a table in the window of a local coffee shop, Jan stared down at her hands in her lap, trying to get her head together.She didn’t know how she felt about Phil and the pregnancy, but she did know that she couldn’t let it eat away at her.No matter what, they were getting divorced.Did Jan really need to let Phil becoming a father get to her so much?She didn’t want to—she planned to discuss it with Morgan and then forget any of it existed—but Jan also had to consider how it would affect her down the line.She hadn’treallydealt with anything that had happened recently, and at some point, it would surely come crashing down around her.
