Page 24 of Heal You
Gillian lowered her coffee cup to the saucer with a clatter, prompting the people at the table next to them to look over their shoulders.But Gillian’s stare didn’t waver.She was almost burning a hole through Jan.
“Yes, I had the same reaction.Give it a minute, and the shock will wear off.”
“And then what will I be left with?”Gillian asked, her lips barely moving.
“Anger.Disappointment.I don’t know.He wasn’t your husband.”
“You’re right, he wasn’t.But having been through this, I have to wonder if I’ll feel as sick to my stomach as I did with Dave or if something new will happen this time around.”Gillian sighed and lowered her gaze.“No, I still feel sick to my stomach.”
“I’ll…be okay,” Jan said, catching herself before her voice broke.“I just have to find my feet, and everything will be okay.”
“How can you be so calm about this?”Gillian perched her elbows on the edge of the table and leaned in.“Seriously?”
“Because I’ve spent the last ten days or so crying.Because it’s not going to change anything.Because I’m tired of feeling empty and lonely and unsure about where I go from here.If I lie to myself and say that everything will be okay, then surely it has to come true at some point.”Though Jan hadn’t expected it, that initial feeling of not knowing what to do was wearing off.She had Morgan to thank for that.
“Ten days?You’ve known about this forten days?”
“Mm.”Jan lifted her glass of water and sipped it.Maybe it would force the emotion back down her throat.
“Why are you only just telling me about this now?When Dave fucked me over, you were there from the moment I found out.”
“I called.Finn answered.You were…busy.”Jan didn’t want to make Gillian feel bad, but she knew it was coming.Gillian had always been very good at punishing herself about the slightest of things.
And then Gillian lowered her head and sighed.Just as Jan had expected.“I’m so sorry.”
“Gill, it’s fine.You and Finn have a life together.I don’t expect you to be there for me the way I was there for you.Phil was out of the country at the time, and you were on my doorstep beside yourself.Life is just different for us now, and that’s okay.”
“No, it’s not okay.I’m your best friend, Jan.I should have been there for you from the second you knew the truth.”Gillian reached out and squeezed Jan’s hand.“I’m sorry, and it’ll never happen again.Anythingyou need, I’m here for you.”
“Please, don’t worry about me.He’s been fucking someone else, I know now, and all I can do is put one foot in front of the other until life moves on.I have no job and no home, but…I have my sanity.That’s something, right?”
“No job and no home?Please tell me you didn’t leave the house.”
“I couldn’t be there.He’s there, and I can’t even look at him, Gill.He’s been fucking one of our colleagues.I just…I had to get my things together and get out.As for the job, well, like I said…it was one of our colleagues.”
“Heneeds to leave.He’s the one who caused all of this.”
Jan shook her head.“I’m staying at a hotel, and I’m quite happy there until I decide what’s next.I need space, space away from the home we’ve shared for so long, and then I’ll figure something out.”
“No, you’renotstaying at a hotel.”Gillian held up a hand and scoffed.“You’ll stay with me and Finn.It’s simple.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want to stay with you, Gill.I love you and Finn so much, but I can’t be around you both at the minute.Not at home, anyway.”Jan sounded jealous and bitchy for saying that, she knew she did, but she couldn’t spend her evenings watching Gillian and Finn snuggled on the couch.It just wasn’t the right time for her at the minute.“You understand, right?”
Gillian nodded slowly.“I guess so.”
“Good.”
“I feel terrible.”Gillian sniffled as she lifted a napkin and dabbed it beneath her eyes.“You’ve been dealing with all of this on your own, and now you have nowhere to live.”
“Hey.I’ll be okay.I know I will.”
“But you should have the support of your best friend.My wife, too.I don’t want you to live out of a suitcase and sit alone at night wondering what to do next.You should be surrounded by people who love and care about you.”
“And I will be, eventually.”Jan appreciated that Gillian wanted to offer the same support she’d received from Jan when she left her own husband, but Jan wasn’t entirely alone.She had Morgan.Oh, Morgan.She somehow managed to suppress a smirk, choosing to look down at her hand in her lap while she pushed Morgan from her mind.“Please, Gill.Understand from my point of view, and just let me process this the way I know I need to.”
“Okay.”Gillian clenched her hands into fists as she lowered them to the table slowly.“But if I see him, don’t expect me to be quiet about this.I’ll tell him exactly what I think of him.The disgusting prick!”
Jan turned her watch towards herself and sighed.“I don’t really have long.I need to go to the house and collect some more things.Phil will be home in the next couple of hours, and I’d like to do it before then.”
