Page 72 of Ashes of Us
Chapter Fifty-Six: Closer
Danica had to admit, Alex rescheduling all the hotels that were in the warmer states for November and December was a level of foresight she wished she had. After three weeks in California, first in San Francisco, then in Los Angeles and San Diego, where the weather had been sunny and warm for each week in the cities. The hotel in San Francisco's audit went so smoothly that they finished three days early, but instead of making the drive to Los Angeles, Alex decided they deserved a break. They spent three days sightseeing around the city, and while she thoroughly enjoyed the break, she enjoyed their week in Los Angeles even more.
It was clear in their preliminary research that there were a few issues at the Los Angeles hotel. Still, they didn't know just how bad it was until they arrived and found the hotel in such disarray that within two days, Alex fired both the manager and assistant manger and brought in temporary replacements from other hotels to get things back on track. The hotel workers explained that the manager, a man named Frank Kebler, had been hired by the previous manager before he retired and had spent more time on the nearby golf course than he had in the office. The assistant manager enjoyed being left in charge but had no idea about what he was doing.
Danica already knew she was attracted to the way Alex commanded a room when he walked in, his air of authority and the way he effortless maintain control, but seeing him with barely contained anger as he reamed out the supervisory employees for not reporting to Danica or him that Kebler was slacking off so much, made her cross her legs and shift discreetly. When he dismissed the employees and they were left alone in the conference room, he'd turned to her and raised an eyebrow.
“You were clearly enjoying that.”
Danica smirked as she stood up and smoothed down her skirt. “It was hot, what can I say?” She reached out and teasingly tugged on his tie as she walked toward the door, pleased to see a flush creep up his neck before he grinned broadly and followed her out.
San Diego was quickly taken care of, and after a day at the San Diego Zoo, they went back to Boston and began reviewing the records and reports for the Honolulu Hotel. Danica decided that the twelve-hour flight from Boston to Honolulu was too much for Indie, so she arranged with Maverick to take her for the week they would be gone. She would have asked Emilia, but they just got Gracie's ESA, a sweet little brown and white Cavalier King Charles Spaniel named Cinnamon, or as Gracie called her, Cinna. The K9 Comfort Foundation recommended a three to six-month wait period before adding another dog to the mix to allow bonding and the adjustment to the new family.
Maverick had been happy to take Indie for the week, on the condition that Danica find him an authentic Hawaiian ukulele.
“Toni plays the piano and cello. She was accepted into Juilliard but had to turn down her spot due to her mother's cancer coming back when she was seventeen. She stoppedplaying for a long time and recently got back into it. She's been talking about taking up another instrument, and I think she'd appreciate a baritone ukulele.” He grinned as he scratched Indie's head. “Send me some prices and I'll send you the money. It'll be her Christmas gift.”
Danica had smiled and promised to check into them for him, but felt her stomach sink a little. Right. Christmas. She'd never really like Christmas. While she'd appreciated Alexander and Cassandra making sure she wasn't alone over the holidays and had done everything they could to make her feel included, she'd always felt like an outsider, a feeling that had continued with the Prestons. She was sure it was a her thing and probably stemmed from the childhood abandonment trauma her therapist was insisting she needed to work through, but she was filled with a low-level feeling of dread as she considered what she would do this year. She was pretty sure Emilia and Xavier would insist on her coming to their place, but with Jasper gone, she kinda just wanted to stay home and have a quiet day alone... Or maybe just with Alex.
In her last therapy session before they left for California, she'd admitted to Dr. Marlowe that she was more than just physically attracted to Alex and tried to explain how guilty she felt about her feelings.
“It's more than just, you know, my husband died less than six months ago and I'm ready to move on, but people will think it's too early.” Danica shifted on the couch, tucking one leg up under her, feeling very uncomfortable talking about this. “Alex is so different from Jasper, it almost feels like a double betrayal, like I'm agreeing with all the things Jasper was insecure about.”
“First of all, yes, Jasper died less than six months ago, but you were also keeping divorce papers in your back pocketsince the fight in April and you told me you were afraid you'd fallen out of love with him.” Marlowe reminded her gently. “So really, you've been slowly checking out of the relationship for much longer than I think you realize.” He leaned forward in his chair, a serious look on his face. “I didn't want to bring this up before because, while you weren't sure if it was the right thing to do, you were committed to trying to save your marriage, but Danica, in the grand scheme of things, that fight was so small. You've admitted that you could objectively see why both Jasper and Alex would think you were having an affair with Alexander, and you came to that conclusion on your own. Jasper also admitted that he knew you weren't. That should have been enough for both of you to move on, but you couldn't. Why not?”
“Because he grabbed me and I hit him.” The response was immediate and sure. Danica, despite her love of martial arts and violent action movies, agreed with Amy that violence was almost never the answer. Almost, because she still wished Alex had let her beat Lucy up in the hospital.
“Okay. Why though? Were you scared of him after? Did you think he would grab you again?”
“No.” Danica shook her head firmly. She knew deep in her soul it was a mistake neither of them would ever repeat. Jasper hadn't been able to look at the bruises he put on her upper arm at all, and she had felt sick to her stomach every time she saw her handprint on his cheek. “God no. Jasper always made me feel safe, and that didn't change after.”
“So, you both apologized, you both swore it was a mistake that happened at a time of heightened emotions, you'd never do it again, and you forgave each other.” He held her gaze, and she could see he was determined to make her understand this wasn't the reason for the breakdown of hermarriage. “It's an excuse because you don't want to admit you had begun to resent Jasper.”
Danica twisted her mouth and looked away from him. She didn't think resent was the right word; she'd definitely been frustrated and annoyed by his impulsive spending and decisions for a while, and it had only been exasperated by his callous reaction to Alexander's death.
“Danica.” Marlowe's voice interrupted her thoughts, and she looked back at him. “Come on, tell me, what were the most frequent arguments you had with Jasper about?”
“I already told you,” Danica grumbled, annoyed that he wanted to go through all this again.
“Tell me again.” He sat back and propped his ankle up on his knee. “Let's see if your answer has changed.”
Huffing out a sigh, Danica scrubbed at her face with her palms. “The arguments I started were around money and keeping the house clean; the arguments he started were around my job and my relationship with Alexander and Alex.”
“Right. So, when you fought with him, it was about things that were affecting you both. His impulsive spending habits made you demand separate finances and often led to fights because he would spend indiscriminately and expect you to pick up the slack when he was short. The house being clean directly affected both your living situations, and by not helping you without being asked, he not only increased the amount of chores you had to do, but he also increased your mental load by making it your thing to worry about.” Danica narrowed her eyes as he pointed out that she had started fights in an attempt to make things fair between them. It was true. She would often ask for things to change to make things easier for her. He wouldpromise to do better, but for a week or two, he would fall back into his old habits.
“The arguments he started, on the other hand, were about his insecurities and how your job interfered with what he wanted at the moment. He argued with you about your relationship with the Wests because he felt you prioritized your relationship with Alexander, and later Alex, over your relationship with him. He was jealous that there were other men in your life stealing your attention from him. He didn't like your job because you took it seriously, and it was important to you. The most insulting part for him was that it. Had. Nothing. To. Do. With. Him.” He tapped his finger on the arm of his chair as he emphasized that Jasper's issues all stemmed from Danica not making him the center of her world.
“Look, I'm not saying Jasper was a bad person or that he was doing these things on purpose, but you two had very different backgrounds, despite growing up in the same socio-economic bracket and, not to get into the whole Nature Versus Nurture debate, but you were raised to be independent and understand the value of hard work and honesty. Your foster family might have viewed raising you as a contract with the government and definitely weren't as loving as they should have been, but they instilled good values in you and taught you that actions have consequences.”
“Jasper wasn't raised that way. His mom and, to a lesser extent, his dad enabled him a lot. Instead of addressing his lack of accountability with money, they'd top him up with what he needed. He was used to them dropping everything for him, sometimes even before he asked them to, so it upset him when you didn't automatically do the same. He was an only child, so he was used to being the center of attention. He was raised in a large family that places a lot of value on being close-knit and the whole blood is thicker than water crap. You said most of his friends were his cousins he grew up with, so he didn't understand how you could have such a close relationship with people you weren't blood related too. In contrast, you don't have a relationship with your biological family at all and know that blood or a legal document doesn't make you family, mutual love and respect does.” Dr. Marlowe paused and smiled gently at her. “You see what I'm saying?”
“Yeah, you're saying we were very different people.” Danica nodded, some of the tension in her body seeping out as he summed up months of therapy conversations. “Cecil said the same thing, actually. It was a case of opposites attract.”
“Yes!” He reached out and tapped her knee with his pen. “And while being opposites can work in a couple's favour, it's usually only when the differences are in non-core areas, like say an extrovert and an introvert, they balance each other out. But in core areas, like values and morals, such as you valuing saving for a rainy day and Jasper valuing what the money could get him in the moment, caused problems because you clashed when you had to make decisions. You were so scared that he was going to blow through your inheritance, you lied to him about why you put it in a trust and felt you had no choice in the matter.”
“And I resented him for making me feel like I had to lie to him to avoid a fight and to protect us long-term.” Danica felt like all her guilt melted away as soon as the words came out of her mouth. “I was so angry, and I couldn't even tell him why I was mad because it would mean admitting I lied, which made it worse because I was only lying because of him in the first place.”
“You felt trapped.” Dr. Marlowe nodded, looking extremely pleased that she finally had the revelation. “But whatI really need you to understand is if it wasn't the lie and the inheritance, it would have been something else. The thing that brought you two together would have eventually driven you apart. Your core values were just too different. For long-term stability, similarity in values, morals, and life goals matter more than the novelty, passion and curiosity that first brought you together. Differences between two people are important, don't get me wrong, it keeps relationships dynamic, prevents stagnation, and keeps you from living in an echo chamber, but if there are more differences than similarities, it doesn't matter how much you love or admire a person, resentment will eventually drive you apart.”
