Page 65 of Ashes of Us
“It'll just be something small like a corn snake or a gecko,” Emilia reassured her, chuckling. “And it will be kept in his room, in its enclosure when we have company. But this is all in the future. Delilah and Benny are only six and eight. I fully expect them to be very interested in helping and looking after the dog for all of two weeks, and then it will wear off, and they will whine whenever they're asked to feed them or let them out.”
It wasn't too long after that that the conversation petered out, and they all silently agreed to start packing things up forthe night. Danica went into the tent first and changed into her pyjamas and then stepped out so Alex could change. Then they all went as a group to the bathrooms, something Danica really didn't enjoy, and she came out feeling like she needed a shower, something Alex told her was in her head when she mentioned it. Back in the tent, she climbed into her sleeping bag and adjusted her pillow before untying the door to her room and zipping it closed, as Alex did the same across from her, and they said good night.
After tossing and turning for a bit, unable to sleep as she thought back over what Emilia told her, she decided she couldn't keep it to herself anymore. She didn't hear a sound from Xavier and Emilia's tent, but there was a lot of background noise from the forest around them, other campers, and their music that she wasn't sure she would hear them if they were talking. “Alex?” She whispered, rolling over and pulling the curtain back a little. “Are you still awake?”
“Since your air mattress is extremely loud, yes.” He sounded like he was both annoyed and a little amused, but she heard him pull back the curtain in the dark. “What's wrong?”
“Has Xavier...” Danica paused, not wanting to push for a recounting of their private conversations, but needing to know what, if anything, Xavier might have said about his marriage or Emilia and if he was aware of just how bad things were between them. “Has he mentioned anything about problems with Emilia or anything like that?”
“Noooo,” Alex answered slowly, sounding like he was genuinely thinking about his response. “He's always very positive when he talks about Emilia. He thinks she's an incredible mom and wife, he always sounds appreciative about what she does, and part of the reason he wants to start his own safety consulting business is so he can be a bit more flexible withhis hours and be around more to take some of the home stuff off her plate.”
Danica nodded in the dark. That was the Xavier she knew, too, and she wondered where the disconnect Emilia described was coming from. “So he wasn't, like, mad or upset she invited herself along camping with you guys?”
“No, not at all.” His response was immediate, and she could hear the sincerity in his voice. “He was apologetic when he told me she wanted to come, said he would understand if I wanted to back out, but then just as quickly suggested that we ask you to come so we could still do most of what we planned, and I wouldn't be the third wheel. Why?”
Danica sighed and chewed her lip as she wondered how much she should tell him and decided to stick with the original issue Emilia had mentioned. “Emilia feels like they've become more like roommates than husband and wife since Gracie was born, and she says when she talks to him about it, he brushes her off and says that's normal after three kids and ten years together.”
“Ahh.” Danica could almost see him nodding as he understood why she was asking questions and what the problem was. “So, she's not happy with their relationship as it is, and he thinks everything is great and they're just going through the natural progression of marriage.” There was a pause, and then she heard him roll over quickly. “Wait. Like, how unhappy is she?”
“Uh, let's just say he needs to really listen to her and stop telling her this is normal immediately,” Danica admitted. “I think this weekend might make or break them.”
“Well. fuck.” Alex sighed, and she heard what sounded like his hand running over his face. “What do you want to do? Stay out of it, or warn Xavier?”
“Honestly?” Danica admitted after a moment of internal debate. “I think he needs to really hear her and change his attitude about it, so warn him, I guess? I don't know, but I was really hating being stuck in the middle with all this by myself, so thanks for joining me in my personal hell.”
“Listen, if it stops you from shifting every two minutes and making noise, I'm happy to be here.”
Chapter Fifty-One: Under the Surface
The guys were up early the next morning and gone before Danica even pulled herself out of bed. It took her a long time to get to sleep after she and Alex finished talking, the noises very different from what she was used to in Boston, but she must have drifted off at some point because the next thing she knew, she was woken up by the sounds of the motorcycles starting and pulling out of the site. Pulling her pillow over her head, she tried to go back to sleep, but now that she was awake, she was aware of how warm it was getting inside the tent and gave up, getting up and pulling on the capris and t-shirt she was forced to change out of the day before. When she stepped out of the tent, Emilia was sitting on the picnic table next to a Coleman stove with a mug of coffee and some toast.
“Hey, you're finally awake!” Emilia smiled broadly at her and turned the burner on under the kettle. “I know you're going to want coffee, but do you want toast or cereal?”
“Coffee, yes.” Danica nodded as she walked over, grabbed one of the single-serving cereal boxes from the box of dry goods and then got the milk out of the cooler. “But toast seems likeway too much of a hassle this morning.” She opened the box and poured the milk inside as she sat across from Emilia, whom she immediately decided wasn't being honest about her mood. “Did we bring cutlery?”
Emilia tossed a bag of plastic forks, knives and spoons at her, so she grabbed a spoon and started eating. “Is the plan still to go for a hike?” Danica wasn't sure where Emilia was with everything and didn't want to make assumptions.
“We can, there's also a canoe and kayak rental place about a fifteen-minute walk from here, or we go for a drive, we're supposed to spend the day on the beach tomorrow, but we could just go relax in the sun today.” She turned off the burner, poured Danica a mug of hot water, and passed her the coffee so she could make it to her taste. Danica considered all the options while she spooned the instant coffee into the hot water.
“Why don't we go lie in the sun today and rent canoes or kayaks tomorrow with the guys?” She had a feeling Emilia wasn't all that interested in doing very much of anything today. She was smiling and acting upbeat and cheerful, but she knew her well enough to know it was a show. “We can talk about why you're putting so much energy into being happy when you're not.”
The fake smile slid off Emilia's face, and she groaned as she dropped her head in her hands. “Yeah,” She mumbled, her voice muffled. “Let's do that.”
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After a change of clothes and generous applications of sunscreen, they made it too the beach and after walking along it for a while, managed to find a spot the was relatively tucked out of the way, far enough from the other campers that they could have a conversation without anyone hearing them, but close enough that it would be hard for another group to set up nearbywithout encroaching on them and the people nearest to them. They spread out a blanket, stripped down to their swimsuits and stretched out.
“So?” Danica prompted her after a few minutes of lying there with no conversation besides idle chitchat about the crowded beach and people swimming. “What's going on?” Emilia blew out a breath and covered her eyes with her arm.
“When we went to bed last night, Xavier tried to cuddle me, and I pretty much told him to fuck off.” She started quietly. “I obviously hurt him, but he didn't say anything and just rolled away from me, which made me even more annoyed, and I kind of grumbled to myself about him assuming I wanted to have him touch me. He was quiet for a bit, then he asked me if I only came on the trip to ruin it for him.” She swallowed and cleared her throat. “I told him that wasn't why, and that I wanted to come so we could spend time together and reconnect. He scoffed and shook his head like he didn't believe me, which, of course, pissed me off even more, and I asked why he didn't believe me. He said I was in a bad mood all day, making it awkward for everyone, and he didn't understand what I meant about reconnecting because he has only ever done what I asked, and ended the conversation by saying he was done trying because it was never good enough for me.”
Danica propped herself up on her elbow, running her hand through her ponytail as she considered the best way to respond. On the surface, Xavier wasn't wrong. Emilia had been in a bad mood; she had made things awkward the previous day, and in the seven years that Danica had known them, Xavier did tend to go out of his way to do whatever Emilia asked him to. Of course, what happened behind closed doors could be completely different from what happened when they had an audience. Still, Emilia had never expressed unhappiness or dissatisfaction withXavier before, and she really wasn't the type to hide it when she was upset. “Is he right?” she asked hesitantly.
“That's the worst part.” She pulled her arm off her eyes and rubbed them tiredly. Up close and now actually paying attention, Danica could see she was exhausted and probably hadn't slept a wink all night. “He is.” She sat up and brought her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. “After Gracie was born, she was so clingy, she constantly needed to be held, or she would cry until she made herself sick.” She rested her cheek on her knees and smiled sadly at Danica. “Well, you know, you saw how bad it was.” Danica nodded. Emilia had worn Gracie in a baby wrap either on her back or front for the first year and then some, so that she could get things done while Benny was in school and Delilah was in preschool. Danica, Rita, and Hanna had all tried to help out, but Gracie would scream bloody murder and flail dangerously if anyone, but Emilia or Xavier tried to hold her.
“When Xavier got home from work, I would let him shower and spend about twenty minutes with Benny and Delilah, then practically shove Gracie into his arms so I could feed the other two, get them ready for the next day and into bed while he looked after her. That first year was hell for both of us, but I was so touched out at the end of the day that when I crawled into bed, and Xavier would want to cuddle or fool around, I couldn't do it. I couldn't handle being touched, and I would pull away and tell him off if he persisted. He complained about being rejected a few times, and I brushed him off a lot, telling him it would get better when Gracie got older and to let me focus on being a mom.” Shifting again, Emilia began playing with the sand next to her. “I didn't even really notice that Xavier had stopped trying to initiate things. I'm not saying we've gone four years without sex or cuddling, but he waits for me to initiatenow, and I rarely had the energy or capacity until recently. Now I want what we had, but he's adjusted and seems happy with what we have.”
“Well,” Danica sat up beside her and mimicked her position. “It sounds to me like the two of you need to spend some time alone and have a long conversation, where you're completely honest and you encourage him to be completely honest with you too.”
