Page 63 of Ashes of Us
“Um.” Danica swallowed. She could honestly say she'd never found Xavier attractive before this moment. He was decent enough looking, not ugly by any means. Still, there was nothing about him that stood out in her mind, not like Jasper, with his red hair, puppy dog brown eyes and loud personality, or Alex, with his curly black hair, and slightly darker skin tone that made his light grey eyes stand out, and toned, muscular build. He was very much average in every sense of the word, average height and build, shaved completely bald, although Danica knew his remaining hair was mouse brown, and brown eyes. “I think I finally found my thing,” she muttered. It was an ongoing joke between her and Emilia that she genuinely didn't have a 'thing' when it came to men and was usually more attracted to their personalities than their appearance.
Her eyes moved from Xavier to Alex, and she felt her knees get a little weak. The black leather jacket fit him perfectly and somehow made his shoulder-to-hip ratio even more pronounced, and the jacket with the leather chaps made him look dangerously sexy. “Maybe I should just ride with you.”
“What?” Emilia looked over her shoulder and then let out a soft giggle when she realized Danica was staring at Xavier and Alex like she'd never seen men before in her life. “Somehow, you being attracted to bikers in leather makes so much sense.” She gave her a slight push so she would go down the stairs. “But I get it, because half the reason I have a “wear all the safety gear” rule is because of how good he looks in it. And don't be ridiculous.” She lowered her voice as the two men looked over and saw them. “You need to get comfortable on the bike.”
Danica groaned internally and walked over to the car, putting her bag on the floor behind the front passenger seat, then went over to get Alex's approval on her clothes. She saw him grin as he took in the leather jacket and nod approvingly. “Better?” she asked, trying to sound like she hadn't almost gone weak in the knees when she saw him.
“Much better.” He passed her the helmet, helping her with the chin strap. “You've never been on a motorcycle before, right? Driving or as a passenger?” When Danica shook her head, confirming she'd never been on a motorcycle. He nodded and picked up his helmet, putting it on as Xavier got on his bike and started it, moving it up to stop next to Emilia in the SUV. “Just a quick couple of tips, then. Wait for me to get on and then you climb on the same way you would mount a horse.”
“I've never ridden a horse either.” She couldn't keep the slight hint of exasperation out of her voice as she spoke. Alex often seemed to forget that she grew up in foster care and hadn't had the same experiences as a child that he had.
“Right. Sorry.” He winced and pointed down at a foot peg on the left side of the bike. “Put your left foot on the peg, and swing your right leg over the seat, using my shoulders for leverage. When you're on, you can sit back against the backrest and make yourself comfortable, either holding on to the handholds here.” He pointed to them. “Or by holding on to me around my waist or just sitting with them in your lap. It's up to you and your comfort level, really. When we're driving, try to relax and move with me and the bike.”
“What does that mean?” Danica furrowed her brow in confusion, not sure what he meant by moving with him and the bike. She was going to be on the back of the bike, so wouldn't she be moving with them?”
“Lean with the turns, don't try to remain completely upright, but also don't over lean, because it will throw the bike off balance.” He explained patiently as he pulled on a pair of leather gloves. “I'm not sure how to explain it besides saying just to follow my lead. I haven't ridden with a passenger in a long time, but it should come back to me pretty quickly.” He grinned impishly. “Not trying to make the pun, but it's like riding a bike.” When Danica just raised her eyebrow skeptically at him, he cleared his throat. “Anyway, if your hands start to get cold, you can put them in the pockets of my jacket or your jacket if you're comfortable with not holding on, because I didn't think to get you gloves.”
He swung his leg over the bike and settled in, flicking the kickstand up with his foot and starting it. When he looked at her expectantly, Danica put her hand on his shoulder and climbed on a little awkwardly. When she was seated and holding on to the bars, he moved his bike up next to Xavier.
“Don't forget that we have to stay within two miles of each other in order for the headsets to work,” Xavier called over thenoise of the engines. “It's best that we stay together as much as possible, because hills and other cars will cause interference.” Alex nodded his understanding, and Xavier turned to Emilia. “Stay within two car lengths and don't let anyone between us and the SUV if you can.” She gave him a thumbs up, and a second later, Emilia's pop music blasted over the noise of the bikes. Danica let out a relieved breath. Even if she was unsure about riding the motorcycle, the noise of the engines was better than three hours of early 2000s boy bands and pop divas. A second later, Xavier led the way out of the backyard and down the alley, with Alex following them and Emilia bringing up the rear to start the three-and-a-half-hour drive to the campground.
Driving through city traffic had Danica gripping the handholds so tightly her knuckles were white. She didn't like how exposed she felt as they navigated through the streets and then got on the congested U.S. Route 1 out of Boston. It wasn't until the traffic cleared up significantly when they got on the I-95 North in South Peabody that she was able to relax and enjoy the ride... and notice that her hands were freezing. She put them in her pockets, but very quickly found out she didn't like not feeling more anchored to the bike, and leaned forward, pressing her front against Alex as she slid her hands into his pockets.
“Jesus Christ, I almost forgot you were back there.” Alex's low, amused rumble filled the helmet, and she reflexively gripped him tighter as she gasped in surprise, tensing momentarily at the shock of hearing his voice all around her head. “Damn near gave me a heart attack. You doing okay?”
“Yeah, glad we're out of the city, didn't like that much.” She told him, relaxing again. “My hands got cold.”
“City driving takes some getting used to,” he acknowledged her nervousness, his voice sounding a little apologetic as she felt his hand wrap around her calf and give hera gentle squeeze. “But you're doing great as a passenger, I wasn't kidding when I said I almost forgot you were there.” He rubbed her calf soothingly and let her go. “Are you cold or is it just your hands?”
“Just my hands.” She was really enjoying the ride now that they weren't in as much traffic as they had been and relaxed even further against Alex's back. “I get why you enjoy this.” His low laugh rumbled in her ear, and she smiled, pleased that he didn't mind having her with him.
“Yeah, nothing quite so freeing as a motorcycle ride, but don't feel like you have to stay back there. If your back starts to get sore, or you get too cold, let me know and I'll pull over at the next stop so you can get aboard with Emilia.” He paused, and before Danica could form a thought about what he said, he continued, sounding flustered. “Which is not me saying I don't want you riding with me, I want you to enjoy yourself, and this is a long ride for a first time on a bike, so if you start feeling tired or sore, especially your back, let me know so we can make sure you get a break.”
Danica chuckled, assured him she was fine, but she would let him know if she started to feel tired. She was feeling pretty confident that she would be able to do the whole three- and half-hour drive, but by the time they enter Maine on the other side of Portsmouth, her back was starting to protest. She lightly squeezed Alex's sides to get his attention, not wanting to scare him the way his voice in her helmet frightened her since he was driving, and asked the headset to call him. “My back isn't doing so hot,” she told him when she heard the connection go through.
“Okay, I'll let Xavier and Emilia know we have to make a pit stop at the next gas station or rest stop.” He disconnected from her, and a few seconds later, she heard his voice again, telling them they would need to pull over.
“Oh, thank god, I need to pee and get a coffee so bad.” Emilia's voice came over the headset, sounding relieved. “I was about to let you know.”
“There's a visitors center a few miles up ahead, we'll stop there,” Xavier responded. “We could probably all use a bathroom and stretch break; you might be out of luck for coffee though.”
A quick stop later, where they were able to use the restrooms and find some brochures about the area they were headed to as they did a quick walk through of the visitor’s center to see if there was somewhere to get coffee. Unfortunately, Emilia was indeed out of luck, but there were vending machines in a nearby building, so they were all able to get a drink before they got back on the road again, this time with Danica driving with Emilia, who looked visibly upset the minute they got back on the road, prompting Danica to ask if she was okay. Emilia glanced at her and lifted her shoulder in a shrug. “I called Xavier while we were driving, just hoping to talk, and the whole conversation was centred around the kids. I asked if we could not talk about the kids for a minute, and we just... stopped talking and sat there silently for like fifteen minutes before I finally said, 'never mind' and disconnected.”
Danica looked at her sadly, trying to figure out what to say to make her feel better, when something her and Jasper's couple’s therapist said to them came to her. “When Jasper and I decided to work on things and started seeing our therapists and couple’s therapist, he got very frustrated that things weren't going back to normal as quickly as he wanted them to.” She said slowly, not wanting to make things about her and Jasper, but needing to explain the context of what she was about to say. “Dr. Rowan explained that while it was our argument that brought all the issues to light, the cracks didn't happen all atonce; they were the result of a bunch of little things that had eroded the foundation of us as a couple over time. Therefore, it wasn't something that was going to be fixed with a few apologies, gestures and therapy appointments; it was going to take time, effort and work. Similarly, the distance between you and Xavier didn't just happen when Gracie was born; it happened slowly over the last four years. It's probably going to take time, energy and effort from both of you to get back to the way you were.”
Emilia nodded and sighed, running her hand through her hair. “You're probably right, and I need to have some patience with him.” She leaned over, and her hand hovered above the volume knob for the radio for a second before she dropped it without changing it. “When everything came out about Jasper, I started to suspect Xavier was cheating on me, and I did something awful.” She mumbled, looking ashamed. “I was considering hiring Mave to follow him, but when I spoke to him about it, he asked me if I had any proof, any reason at all for thinking he was cheating, and I couldn't give him one. Xavier goes to work, and he comes home. If he goes somewhere without me, he usually has one or more of the kids with him, and I know they would tell me if Daddy met up with a woman while they were out, Delilah especially, not that he would do something so low as bring the kids to meet his affair partner anyway.”
Danica shrugged. She didn't think that was so bad. “Yeah, okay, you suspected he might be cheating but given what you've said about the distance between you guys, I don't think that asking Mave to follow him is such a bad thing. You never actually hired him.”
“Yeah...” Emilia drew it out and glanced at her. “Except, I also went through his phone, his laptop, his work laptop, his messages with his co-workers, his social media, everything. Every message between him and anyone that I knew wasn'tfamily, or that I knew for sure wasn't someone he would be interested in.” The words tumbled out of her very quickly, and Danica would have laughed at her guilty expression if what she admitted to wasn't so serious.
“Emilia!” Danica hissed, unable to believe she had done something so invasive. “That's a huge breach of privacy! Especially his work computer and the messages with his co-workers! He could lose his job if that came out!”
“I know!” Emilia wailed, and Danica saw tears starting to gather in her eyes. “I know I shouldn't have done that, but it wasn't coming from nowhere, Danica! I haven't been silently stewing on this; I've told him multiple times that I don't feel like his wife, but more like a friend, and not even a close one! He shrugs me off and says it's not that bad or that all couples go through this after having kids, but I don't want to be married if this is what it's going to be! I want a husband, not a roommate!”
“Pull over,” Danica muttered, getting nervous about how emotional Emilia was getting and the fact that she was driving while actively in tears. “Let me drive.” Nodding and sniffing, Emilia pulled over, and they quickly switched places. When she was behind the wheel and had caught up to Alex and Xavier again, she glanced at Emilia, who was now sobbing softly next to her. “Since you haven't left him, I'm guessing you didn't find anything?” she asked after a moment.
“Not a damn thing.” She whispered. “Which didn't make things better. If he was cheating, at least there was more to it than just him being comfortable and happy with the way things are, but nope. He's just fine with us only talking when there's something to do with the kids or house and sleeping together without touching one another.” She folded her arms over her stomach and leaned her head against the window. “I meant itwhen I said I don't want to be married if this is what it's going to be.”
