Page 42 of Ashes of Us
“Honestly? Yes.” Danica put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway. “I'm ready to put him to rest and start moving on.”
“Moving on?” He shook his head, his voice thick with tears. “It's only been two weeks. How can you talk about moving on?”
“What did Jasper tell you about our fight?” Danica changed the topic, needing to get everything out in the open so he understood why she was so ready to move past this. Seeing the way he was looking at her, she smiled gently. “We need to go back to the start, so you understand where I am with all this.”
“Just that he said something he shouldn't have that pissed you off and you slapped him because he grabbed your arm when you tried to walk away,” Cecil said reluctantly. “I thought it was an overreaction, but he insisted he deserved it.”
“When I told him about the inheritance from Alexander, he accused me of having an affair with him,” Danica told him calmly, almost robotically. “I tried to walk away, because he was yelling at me and I was shutting down, but he grabbed my arm so hard he left a bruise and spun me around to face him. He was about to call me a bitch or a cunt or something, but he didn't get it out because I slapped him. He left and came home at four in the morning, apologized and begged me to forgive him. I agreed as long as he agreed to see a marriage counsellor.”
“God damn it.” Cecil shook his head, sounding very disappointed in his son. “Why would he...?”
“Listen, what the argument was about is irrelevant. He put his hands on me, and I retaliated by putting mine on him, both of us reacted badly in the moment and in a way I didn't think was possible for either one of us.” She said softly. “We'd never fought like that before. We'd argued, yes, absolutely. We'd snapped at one another when we had bad days or had been annoyed, but we've always allowed each other to take space and come back to talk things out when we've calmed down. Our first big blow-up fight, and we put our hands on one another.” Shelooked over at him briefly. He was watching her sadly, and she knew she probably shouldn't dump this on him right before they were going to bury his son, but she needed him to understand. “But the big takeaway I had from it was that despite everything, Jasper didn't actually trust me.”
“He loved you more than life,” Cecil murmured. “He was terrified of losing you, always afraid you were going to find someone better than him.”
“I know he was insecure, but I did everything I could to reassure him.” Danica countered. “At some point, he needed to take accountability and work on those insecurities. But all this is besides the point I was trying to get to, that night broke something fundamental in our relationship, and yeah, we were working on it, trying to rebuild things, but there was so much working against us...” She sighed and turned into the parking lot. “Some of it is my fault, and some of it is his, but the fact is, if he hadn't died in the car accident, how do you think all of this would have come out? Our marriage was already in a very fragile state. If I found out he had hung out with Lucy while high, kept it from me, and then found out she was claiming to be pregnant with his kid, we'd be separated now.”
She parked the car, and they both sat quietly for a few minutes, watching the light rain that had started to fall. “I love Jasper, I will always love Jasper, and he will always have a special place in my heart and in my life, but this has been too much. In one of my favourite books, there's a quote about grief staining backwards through the pages of life, and how other emotions can also do the same. It's true, because all my hurt and anger since that fight have stained backward and tainted my memories of our life together, which is unfair to both of us. I need this to be over so I can start healing and working towardletting things go because I don't want to look back on what was so good and loving with so much resentment.”
“I know you both loved each other,” Cecil said as she started to unbuckle her seatbelt. “And I wish something that was supposed to be good for both of you hadn't set my son off that way. He always defended you and your relationship with Alexander West, insisting it was a father-daughter relationship and that you would never cheat on him. I don't understand what his thought process was to suddenly change his mind about it.”
“Neither do I,” Danica murmured, Jasper's reaction still baffled her. “He wasn't able to explain it either, besides saying that it was a lot of money to give a random orphan.”
Cecil sighed and opened his door. “Come on, let's get this over with.”
After a brief meeting with the funeral director in the parking lot, where he explained to Danica, Cecil, and the rest of the people who had shown up that the hearse would leave first, followed by Danica, his parents, and then everyone could fall in behind them. Danica and Cecil went back to the car and waited. The hearse pulled forward, and Danica shifted into drive. She was about to pull forward when, out of nowhere, Amy's car cut her off and fell in directly behind the hearse, forcing Danica to slam on her brakes so she wouldn't clip her. “Fucking bitch!” Danica exploded, her heart racing at the near miss. “What the hell is wrong with her?”
“Don't get me started,” Cecil responded darkly, and she could see he was clenching his fists in his lap. The funeral director must have seen what happened because he came to a stop quickly, forcing Amy to stop as well. All around them, people were getting out of their cars and walking towards Amy's. Danica watched in amazement as several of them planted themselves in front of her and around the sides so she couldn'tmove, and folded their arms, glaring like they were daring her to pull that stunt again. There was a tap on Danica's window, and she looked up to see Xavier. He gestured for her to go ahead, and she nodded. The hearse started moving, and she backed up enough to have room to move around them and fall in behind it. Once they were sure Danica was in position and Amy couldn't move around her, they all got back in their cars, letting Amy follow Danica.
Glancing in the rearview mirror, she could see Lucy was driving and looked pissed off, but Amy was sobbing in the passenger seat. “If that cunt pulls something like that again, Jasper won't be the only person we bury today,” Danica grumbled. “And I won't have to lift a finger to make it happen.”
--------------
Other than her weird power play at the funeral home, Lucy didn't cause any more trouble. She didn't even get out of the car at the cemetery, which Danica assumed was because Amy had told her to behave and not cause issues, or possibly because she was afraid the “homewrecker” chant would start up again. The ceremony itself was brief and poignant, held under a white tent that had been set up over the open grave, with chairs arranged around it. The funeral director said a few words and offered up a prayer, then Danica took the microphone and took a deep breath, looking around. She could see Maverick and Alex standing near Emilia and Xavier, Cecil, sitting with his head down next to Heather and Jimmy, who was still avoiding looking at Danica, and Amy standing to one side with Geri and her sister Frannie, two of only a handful of people who had taken Amy's side in all this.
“Jasper was...” She began, and her voice cracked, making her pause and swallow, blinking back tears before she tried again. “Jasper was one of the most loving, loyal and generouspeople I've ever known. If he was your friend, he had your back, no matter what. He always had a joke, or quick remark, he lifted you up if you were down, and he had no problem knocking you down a few pegs if he felt your ego was getting too big.” There were a few scattered chuckles at that, and Danica smiled briefly, knowing they had all either witnessed or had been on the receiving end of Jasper's playful digs at some point. “He was my person for seven years, the person I turned to for comfort when life got hard and to celebrate my achievements. He made me feel completely and unconditionally loved, and I can only hope he knew how much I love him and how truly grateful I am for every single moment we had together.”
She stepped back from the microphone, unable to say anything else without completely breaking down into tears. The realization that this was the end, that Jasper was gone, and she wouldn't see him again struck her hard, and she wasn't expecting it. Picking up a rose from a large vase, she laid it on the casket, feeling hot tears slide down her cheeks, and moved back to her seat next to Cecil, who took her hand and patted it awkwardly as everyone else followed her lead, standing up to form a line as they picked up a rose and waited to lay it on the casket, often saying a few words or kissing it before they walked away to their cars. Amy was last, and Danica felt a brief moment of pity for her when her knees seemed to give out, and Geri and Frannie had to grip her elbows to keep her from falling to the ground. When she left without so much as looking in Danica's and Cecil's direction, Cecil, who seemed to intuitively know Danica wasn't ready to leave, squeezed her hand and murmured that he was going to get a ride with Heather to the restaurant and he would talk to her soon. Danica gave him a hug but stayed seated by the grave.
The rain had picked up, and she was finding it strangely soothing to hear it hitting the tent and the nearby pond as she sat there. She hadn't lied in her speech; she hadn't even written anything down, deciding to speak from the heart, but there was a part of her that felt disingenuous about what she said.
“You okay?” Danica jumped as Alex sat beside her and looked up at him reproachfully. “Sorry. I was waiting to make sure you got home okay. You've been sitting here alone for twenty minutes, and as much as I didn't want to interrupt, there's a rather grumpy-looking person in a backhoe who is waiting for you to leave.” He gestured with his chin to the left, and Danica saw he was right; she had been so caught up in her thoughts that she hadn't even heard the backhoe approach.
“I don't think I'm okay at all.” She admitted, wiping her cheeks and sniffing. Alex reached into his pocket and handed her some tissues, which she accepted with a small thank you.
“Emilia gave them to me before she left,” he shrugged, like he didn't want her to think too much of the gesture. “So let me guess. You don't want to go home, because you'll be alone, but you don't want to go to the restaurant with everyone else, because there will be too many people, right?”
Danica nodded, huffing out a sad laugh as he voiced her thoughts on the situation. “Yeah, pretty much.”
“Then you need to come with us.” He stood up and held out his hand to her.
“Us?” She raised her eyebrow but let him help her to her feet. “Who's us?” He pointed with his other hand over to where she could see Xavier and Maverick waiting by the cars. “What's going on?”
“Just don't argue and come with us.” He said cryptically as he led the way back to the cars. When they got there, Xavier held out his hand.
“Give me your keys.” He said simply, Danica frowned but passed them over. he hugged her and went to her car. “Emilia will meet us there,” he called over his shoulder as he unlocked the door.
“Where is 'there'?” Danica asked, furrowing her brow. Alex just shook his head as he opened the passenger side door to his Jeep for her. Maverick gave her a quick hug and murmured that she needed to trust them.
