Page 81 of Resistance Training
And okay, I’m just going to say the thing that people never say out loud.
You’re acting like I broke your heart. Even though you never told me it was mine to break. I’m not saying I didn’t have some idea that you were into me. But also, I’m seventeen, so what do I really even know? I don’t understand guys yet. Maybe I never will. But I thought I understood you. I thought we had a silent agreement that we would never ruin our friendship. I thought it was more important to both of us to always hang out with each other. Like, always always.
I’m also not saying that I didn’t think about it. About things being different between us. More.
There were moments when you looked me straight in the eyes. When you stood so close to me, asking me about a book, so intense. You have gorgeous eyes. I hope you know that. I’ve stared at your hands. There’s been moments when I’ve imagined those hands on my body. Exploring me. I’ve seen you look at my boobs. I’ve thought about you touching them. I didn’t really let myself think about it before, but now I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’ve stared at your mouth. You have a beautiful mouth, Bradley. I am 1000% sure no one else has said that to you. Yet. But you do. You look like you’d be a good kisser. And there were moments when I imagined you kissing me. Now I think about it all the time.
And fuck it, I might as well tell you this now: I had a sex dream about you. Back in February. We didn’t actually have sex in the dream. Neither of us was naked or anything. There was just this…I don’t know…intention? The way you looked at me. And I felt something. I was so attracted to you. In the dream. I woke up feeling all hot and bothered, as they say inthe books. That was the day I kept my headphones on and refused to talk to you when we walked to school. That was why. You assumed it was my time of the month, but it was so much more than a monthly thing. It was the only time that’s ever happened to me, and it freaked me out.
I’ve never wanted anyone like that. Not someone I actually know, I mean.
And you were planning to go to Princeton, so we only had a few more months together and I didn’t want to ruin them.
Right now I’m really wishing I’d ruined things by grabbing you, just once, when you were grumbling about how you thought Pride & Prejudice is overrated and people should be talking more about Persuasion. I mean, if there was ever a moment when a guy should be kissed it’s when he’s ranting about how underrated his favorite Jane Austen book is.
And I wish you’d kissed me that time I came back from family vacation. Or when I’d fallen asleep on your shoulder. Or those times we were watching literally anything in your basement and your parents weren’t home. I would have kissed you back. I would have liked it.
I’m not saying that to be mean. I just want you to know.
Or maybe I am saying it to be mean because I want you to feel as tortured about it as I do.
Maybe I’m only telling you this because I have a terrible feeling I’ll never get to say this to your face. Maybe one day I’ll forgive both of us for not trying harder.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
You better miss me too.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Blech
Jul 7, 2017, 5:17 p.m.
I am so sick of summer and I am so mad at you for getting me started on binge-watching Lost and then abandoning me partway through Season 3. I have so many thoughts and no one else I know IRL has watched this show and I refuse to go online to discuss this with strangers. I have been missing you every day, but I have never felt lonelier in my life until now because I can’t talk to anyone else about what a bunch of assholes these people are! Like, I wouldn’t want to be friends with or date any of them!
Write me back. Please. Don’t be an asshole. Don’t make me go on Reddit.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hi
Jul 30, 2017, 10:35 a.m.
Okay, so you’re being an asshole.
It’s been over a month and I can’t believe I haven’t heard from you.
I just can’t believe you would ghost me, Bradley. I’m going to keep writing to you because I do believe you’re still reading these emails and that maybe one day I’ll say the thing that you need to hear in order to even consider the possibility that we can talk about maybe being friends again. If friends is what you want to be, that is.
