Page 6 of Resistance Training
Closing my laptop, I say, “When are you going to send me the list?”
“What list?”
“The to-do list. My maid-of-honor duties! Sounds like I should get started, like, ten weeks ago.”
She gives me a look, like I’m a toddler asking for the car keys. To be clear, I am a certified paralegal. Very important attorneys trust me to draft legal documents, maintain corporate records, prepare and file documents with regulatory agencies. But my sister can’t conceive of me as an adult who is capable of ordering a dozen penis straws online. “Oh, there’s no list. For you, I mean. I’ve got it all under control.”
“Um. You’ve only been engaged for, like, an hour, though, right?”
“Yeah, but I’ve had the master list in a Google Doc for years and there are spreadsheets, of course. Numerous secret Pinterest boards, and I designed the save the date and all the invitations in Canva ages ago. I’ve been low-key researching caterers and florists for years. Obviously I’ve had several dress options on hold. I will send you all the information you’ll need to, quote-unquote, ‘organize’ the bachelorette tea party. It’s all good.”
“Fine. I’ll just check the reviews of all the male strippers in the Pacific Northwest and find the one who is the most punctual and hygienic.”
“I said the bachelorette is going to be a tea party!”
“Who said the strippers are foryou?”
Aubrey laughs. Genuinely. Her head drops forward and her shoulders shake. She even snorts a little. It wasn’t anywhere near that funny. “Vivi. Okay, but seriously, I just want you to focus your energy on finding a date.”
“You mean a date in June?”
“No, I mean a date for the wedding in June. Someone who will be your date.”
Oh God.
Seriously?
This?
I reach for my glass of wine and open my mouth, but before I can tell her Hairy is my plus-one, she says, “A human person who is not your cat who will accompany you to my wedding.”
“How dare you. Granny Sparks will obviously be my date.”
“Granny Sparks has a boyfriend.”
I almost choke on my pinot again. “What?! Since when?”
“Since a couple of months ago. She didn’t want to tell you because…you know.”
“Because I’ve been so gleefully involved in a healthy relationship with myself?”
“Because you’ve been so depressed after getting dumped in the worst possible way.”
“Okay. There are definitely worse ways to get dumped. And I am not depressed.” I definitely sounded neither depressed nor defensive when I said that.
“You’re eating pie and drinking wine at home by yourself while singing to your cat.”
“Since when did being an amazing cat mom make a person depressed?”
“Vivian, I’m serious. You’ve been eating so much pie, and you won’t go to that gym I told you about.”
“It’s notthatmuch pie—and what gym?”
“The one I told you about when I was there a month ago. You didn’t even look at the website I sent you, did you?”
“For the gym that’s not in my neighborhood? Oh my God, I’ve only gone uponesize! This is what happens when you’re over twenty-five years old. To all women who aren’tyou. It’s the natural progression of a woman’s body to become more rounded…after eating more and exercising less.”
My sister slaps her forehead.
