Page 54 of Resistance Training
And I hope he finds out and punishes me for it.
“Oh, honey. I feel your sweet pain. And all your hormones.”
“I’m not usually like this with guys—I swear! I’ve never experienced this kind of lust tornado before! I don’t usually proposition people! And I definitely wasn’t like this with him in high school. I think I’m experiencing my Dirty Thirties four years ahead of schedule.”
She squeezes my arm, tosses her head back, and laughs so joyfully. Cindy was a business consultant who retired early and now flips houses for fun and money. She sees all human relationships through an astrological lens, and she’s the only person I’ve ever met who makes astrology sound logical and a hundred percent accurate. “Oh, sweetie. Wait till you experience your Sexy Sixties.”
“And your Oversexed Seventies!” Dolores adds, winking as she holds up her mai tai to clink glasses with me across the table. Dolores, it turns out, is a renowned tattoo artist, former classic car–restoration specialist in New York, and a pretty good yodeler to boot. She’s wearing a short-sleeve top tonight, and her remarkably toned arms are covered with beautiful ink designs.
“Here’s hopin’,” Cindy says, crossing her fingers.
“Or,” adds Mabel, “look forward to not having to shave or share your bed or bank account with some asshole ever again!” Mabel had some toxic ex-boyfriends during her time in Big Tech, bless her beautiful heart.
I raise my glass to Mabel. “Been there for the past few months, Mabel, and it’s glorious.”
We’re in a dimly lit red booth at a magnificently kitschy, divey tiki lounge. I always wanted to check this place out when I’d drive by, and it turns out my new best friends have been regulars here for years. They may be twice or thrice as old as theaverage customer, but they’re ten times as cool and all they want to talk about is how dumb Mitch is for not wanting to date me, so I love them a lot. Also, the lighting and decor and just plain fun nature of this place makes me horny, and that makes me wish Brad was here, and that makes me sad.
“Listen,” Cindy says, angling herself to face me. “He’s a Scorpio. Now that I’ve met you and heard what he was running from, I see his pain so clearly. This is what Scorpios do when they’re hurt. Instead of processing the pain, they transform themselves. They shed their exoskeleton like a scorpion and totally change their appearance and persona. That’s what he did when he became Mitch. He tried to kill off the part of himself that loved you. And he did love you, Vivian—I know it. And he will love you again. You have to be patient and you have to be strong. You need to be brave and humble enough to reach beneath his hard shell to where he was hurt and show him you’re safe. And you’d better get your lady bits ready for a pounding because once he gives it to you, it will be intense.”
“Gosh.” I suddenly feel my face getting warm at the thought of my former best friend Bradley giving my lady bits an intense pounding. And then I think of my current personal trainer Mitch doing it, and the rest of me gets all warm and tingly. “I feel like he’d make me wait forever just to punish me.”
I told them about Fat Brad and Hot Brad and prom and theTwilightsituation. I’m pretty sure he won’t hate me for sharing this story with them, since I have seen his website and he does discuss his origin story, minus the details.
“He’s built quite a fortress around his big, beautiful, jacked-up heart muscle, but you’re the fire that’s going to melt his armor, you fearless Aries queen, you.”
“Meanwhile he’s melting everyone else’s panties with those buns of his,” Mabel says into her beer.
“You wanna know what I think?” Dolores hollers at me.
“I honestly want to know what you think about everything, Dolores.”
“I love Mitch to death and I wanna see him happy, but I think he’s being a little twat and he’d better snatch you up before someone else does. You could be strong and wait around, sure, but in my experience—and I had a shit ton of experience before and after my ex-husband—with a man you got two options. You can fuck or you can fight. You could also do both. In fact, I recommend it. But life’s too short to fight with a man you aren’t fucking. All there is to say about it. He wants to fight aboutnotfucking you? Pah! Move on. You’re a beautiful delicious snack. Let someone else unwrap you and put you in his mouth if Mitch ain’t gonna.”
Mic drop.
“Marry me, Dolores.”
“One more of these mai tais and I might.”
“What do you think, Mabel?”
She squints at me from across the table. “You really want to know?”
“I do.”
“I think you owe that boy a pretty great BJ considering he readTwilightfor you, whether he’ll date you or not.”
Cindy and Dolores both shrug and nod in agreement.
“Hey, you get no argument from me.”
I check my phone to see if I’ve gotten any texts from anyone I know who has recently brought home a feral kitten.
Alas, I have not.
I sort of hope it’s because he’s too busy cowering in a corner, afraid to reach for his phone, because that tiny animal might hiss at him.
Cindy pats my arm. “Hey, girl. Larry’s taking me out on his yacht tomorrow, and we would love it if you’d join us,” she says. “If you don’t have any other plans.”
