Page 34 of Resistance Training
I was planning to go to UW instead of Princeton so we could be together.
She didn’t know it, but I would have done that if it was what she wanted.
I didn’t go to any of the senior events except the graduation ceremony. I wanted to skip the ceremony, but my parents strongly discouraged it. Which is to say that my mom cried andmy dad said,Now look what you’ve done. So I went to the ceremony, didn’t make eye contact with anyone, and left as soon as it was over.
I never went to Princeton because I decided to get into fitness and wanted to start my new life, my new body as soon as possible.
Extreme reaction?
Obviously.
But I didn’t need a college degree anymore, and I didn’t want to be found.
For the rest of my life, I promised myself, I’d only do what I needed to do to be the person I want to be, and I would build a career helping others to become the person they want to be.
It was never onlyherthat I was mad at, but it’s not like I’m going to tell her that while I’m training her. If she wants to use her anger toward me for being angry at her, then great. But I didn’t blame her for the way other people treated me or for not being a dick to the person who was a dick to me. I just never wanted to feel like that again, and I sure as hell never want to feel worse. I cut her off for the same reason I cut out junk food. Empowerment. So I could take control of my life.
How lucky was I? I was only eighteen when I learned how devastating it is to have your soul crushed by the one person you allowed yourself to imagine was made for you. I will never make that mistake again. Not with anyone else, and I sure as hell won’t let it happen again with her.
And okay, yeah, now it has finally occurred to me that the resentment I have held on to I held on to because it kept me tied to her.
Maybe it’s the resentment I feel attracted to, not Vivian.
Nope, I am definitely, one hundred percent completely attracted to Vivian, and I’m going to choke that attraction to death in the shower now.
I don’t want to want her. And now that I’ve seen her again I don’t want anyone else to have her. This was a terrible, horrible mistake. I’ll be hitting another personal record tonight. And I will not be filming it for IG. I’ll be thinking about that ponytail and the exposed creamy, soft skin of her waist and upper hips and the way she glared at me when I made her do those sit-ups. I’ll be thinking about the outline of her hard nipples and how I know it had very little to do with the temperature of the room and everything to do with the way she was squeezing her thighs together whenever she wasn’t moving. I will imagine what it feels like to bury my face between her tits and what she tastes like between her legs and how she’d comb her fingers through my hair so lovingly and then grab me so hard because she doesn’t hold back and I like it. I will imagine her on her knees and begging me to forgive her, and I will imagine her breathlessly screaming about how she’ll never forgive me for ruining her for all other men while I take her from behind and spank that plump, round ass that will only get rounder the longer I work with her. And by the next time I see her, I will have gotten every possible filthy thought out of my system.
Filthy thoughts are tiny fractures.
My fortress will remain intact.
But fuck.
Her birthday’s coming up later this month. I should get her something. As a client.
My phone buzzes with a text notification from an unknown sender, and I know as soon as I see the photo of the massive salad that it’s from Vivian. The dopamine rush I get from this is…not ideal. But it’s just a dopamine hit. I can get that from setting a goal of cleaning the bathroom in fifteen minutes while listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and then achieving that goal. Doesn’t mean anything more that.
I add her number to my contacts before inspecting the image. She must have ordered takeout. Piled on top of some lettuce is a ton of shredded cheddar cheese, blue cheese crumbles, gigantic croutons, and balls of fried chicken. It looks delicious, but she cannot continue to eat like that if she’s training with me.
VIVIAN
Please note that I did not add ranch dressing.
Or a Danish.
Or ice cream.
Or pizza. I was really craving pizza.
I have almost an entire pint left of sea salt and caramel from Salt and Straw. I would rather do two extra hours of cardio this week than give up this ice cream.
That is my favorite flavor of ice cream from Salt and Straw. I only allow myself two scoops a year, and I will add licking it off every inch of her body to the fantasy menu tonight. And that will go toward my two scoops for the year.
ME
You would have to run twelve miles to burn those calories. But suit yourself.
Enjoy that salad. In the future, here’s what I’d encourage you to include in your salads: Your base should be 30 grams of protein. Options: Baked or grilled chicken, turkey breast, or baked salmon. Lean cuts of grassfed steak. Get a food scale. Add organic romaine lettuce or organic raw kale massaged in olive oil, to make the kale easier to digest. Tomatoes or organic bell peppers, as long as you aren’t allergic to nightshade vegetables. A quarter to half of an avocado, depending on your caloric intake and output for the day. Pistachio nuts, pumpkin or sunflower seeds, no more than two tablespoons. Olive oil and lemon juice for dressing. Consider nutritional yeast flakes as a cheese substitute.
