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“Hey.”

“Um. Thank you.”

I laugh softly. “Thankyou.”

“No, really, I… You’ll never know how important this was to me.” Now it sounds like she’s crying again. “I’ve wanted this for…I mean notthisexactly, but…I shouldn’t be…”

“It’s okay. It’s okay for us to?—”

“No, you don’t understand. I shouldn’t have… You know what, I have to go. I have to get up early for work tomorrow. I mean, not work. I have to fly back to LA and then drive to Big Bear.”

“Right. Yes. I’ve got a bit of a drive tomorrow too, so…we’ll pick up where we left off tomorrow, then.”

“Yeah. I mean, no. Let’s not talk about this. Ever. Okay?” She’s quiet for a long beat, and I can’t wait to tell her all the things she needs to know, but it won’t make any sense to her yet. “I think you’re really wonderful, Holden Archer,” she says, and it’s like she’s saying goodbye to me and I hate that.

“I think you’re wonderful too. Baby.”

She exhales loudly. “Okay, I’m really confused. I should go. Drive safe tomorrow. Happy New Year, if I don’t talk to you again. I’m going to delete this chat. Bye.”

“I’ll seeyou tomorrow,” I say, and whether she hears me or not, I guess it doesn’t matter, because Piper doesn’t know that the girl I plan to see tomorrow isher.

FIFTEEN

Piper

SAY YES TO DISTRESS

New Year’s Eve

What’s the actual last thing you’d ever want Holden Archer to see you doing when you come face-to-excruciatingly-handsome-face with him in a beautiful, cozy mountain cabin?

Singing and dancing around to “Dreams” by The Cranberries while drinking straight from a bottle of champagne?

While you’re wearing someone else’s wedding gown?

Yeah.

Me too.

And yet, here we are.

“Wow. Hi,” he says, standing on the big mat inside the front door, never taking his eyes off of me while brushing off the snow from his black jacket. The jacket is unzipped, he’s wearing a creamy white sweater under it, and oh my God, he’s combing his fingers through his hair, and his eyes are so blue I might faint.

“Hi. Wow.” I think I say it out loud. I don’t seem to be able to move my body anymore, so I’m not sure if I can move my face.

How did I get here?

I vaguely remember the drive to Big Bear. More vivid than the actual driving is my memory of every song on the “Get It Girl” Spotify playlist Lainey made for me. I remember feeling good about having done what I did with Holden last night, even though I did it as Shay, as far as he was concerned. I remember my anticipation level for meeting Journal Guy rising with the elevation as I drove farther up into the San Bernardino Mountains and marveled at the pure white snow falling upon the evergreens. It seemed very cinematic, in that it was nice to look at and had very little to do with me and my life.

I remember driving up to this cabin, stepping out onto the driveway. The highway was pretty clear of snow, but well over an inch had accumulated on the side streets. The snowflakes were getting bigger and falling faster, and all I could think about was doing everything Shay had sent me here to do and getting out of the cabin in time to meet with Journal Guy.

I remember walking into this inviting, quiet living room, getting totally freaked out by how quiet it was, and turning on the big screen TV. It was set to one of those cable subscription music channels. The Pretenders song about using my arms and my legs and my style was playing. It was on the playlist Lainey made for me too, so that was the second time I’d heard it today, and that song always makes me feel great. It put an extra spring in my step while carrying a very expensive flower arrangement from the passenger seat of Lainey’s car to the coffee table. Shay had it sent to my apartment first thing in the morning, and she told me in a text message that it cost more than she was paying me for the day, so I’d better not damage it or it would come out of my paycheck. I even felt kind of happy knowing that Holden would be enjoying the fresh chocolate-covered strawberries Itransferred from the cooler in the trunk to the fridge, along with the bottle of Dom Pérignon and gluten-free, keto-friendly charcuterie board that I had to pick up on the way here.

I went about the rest of my business, unpacking the suitcase Lainey had brought from Shay’s house while referring to the to-do list Shay sent me. I carefully placed the tiny embroidered lingerie set with the garter belts in the top drawer of the dresser in the bedroom. I arranged the selection of condoms as artfully as possible in a bedside table drawer. I put the pink furry handcuffs in that same drawer, along with the keys. I placed the Italian fig-and-pear-scented candle in the bathroom, as instructed, as well as white pillar candles with fancy premium long matchsticks in every room.

I dutifully staged this rented cabin as per Shay’s directions and turned it into a tasteful New Year’s fuck shack, and it wasn’t sickening or upsetting to me at all!

I distinctly remember getting texts from Shay telling me her flight was delayed but that I needed to get out of the cabin before one o’clock, “or else.”