Page 56 of A Very No Strings Halloween
“If you’ll excuse me, boys, I have to go to the bathroom,” Donna says. “Don’t touch your balls while I’m gone.” She points at the pool table, and we all laugh.
“She’s really fun,” Declan says.
“And gorgeous,” Nolan says.
“Yeah, she’s amazing,” I say.
“So why is she not your girlfriend?” Declan asks like a reasonable human being.
I sigh. If I can’t be honest with her, I can at least be honest with them. I tell them about our arrangement. That it’s a no-strings thing and it’s just fun. I leave the role-play stuff out. But I tell them that she’s also been teaching me about dating like a normal human being.
I cast a furtive glance at the bathroom doors, making sure Donna is still in there. “And I’m getting a little confused. I mean, I like her. But I like her becauseit’s fun. But if we make it serious, I’ll ruin it for both of us.”
“I don’t think you’re confused at all. It sounds like you more than like her, Billy. I mean, you’re a millionaire and you’re still living in the same apartment you had before you had all that money. Why? Because she lives next door. And it’s not just the sex. You’redatingher.”
“She’steachingme how to date.”
“Yes. By dating you,” Nolan says, plainly. And then he adds, “Ya fuckin’ moron.”
Of course, that’s it, isn’t it? We haven’t been role-playing as people dating. We’ve been role-playing as people who are pretending not to date while actually dating. Like I’ve been role-playing as a guy who’s not in love with Donna. When in reality, I’ve completely fallen for her.
And then I say something that I am one thousand percent sure I have never said before in my entire life—certainly not to these guys: “I don’t know what to do.”
“You tell her how you feel,” Declan says, like it’s the simplest thing in the world.
“But what if she doesn’t feel the same way and I ruin it?”
“I say we stop playing footsie with getting drunk and get absolutely hammered. She needs to seethe real Billy Boston.”
I look suspiciously at Nolan. There’s been something about him all evening that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. “You’ve been pushing us to go hard since we got here. Why is that?”
“Billy boy, this is what we do. We get wasted and go on adventures. It’s why we’re here.”
I finally put it together. “Wait a minute. You’re hoping she’ll see how crazy I can get and run!”
“What? Is that true?” Declan asks Nolan. At least Dec is good enough not to be in on it.
Nolan gets a dark look on his face. He’s fun, but even Fun Nolan can be fucking terrifying. “Billy’s half right. I didn’t come all this way for a couple of pints and a nice chat. I love bein’ a dad more than anythin’, but I came to pay tribute to the old Nolan. The one whereIwas the one who needed to be put down for a nap. WhereIput things into my mouth I shouldn’t. WhereImade the mess instead of cleaning it up. But yeah, if she so happens to be put off by that and Billy doesn’t have a date for Granny’s birthday shindig, then that would be a double win in my book.”
“You piece of shit. You’d fuck up my chance at happiness to win a bet?!”
“If showing her your true form ruins the relationship, there was no happiness to be had, boyo.”
I turn to Declan, who has his palms up facing me, claiming innocence. He has to talk sense into this degenerate.
“While I’m not a fan of his motives”—Declan side-eyes Nolan before turning back to me—“he’s right. You need to be honest about what you want. And you need to be honest about who you are. And I didn’t secure all this childcare and come all this way for a couple of beers. Nolan’s right. I live for Maddie and Ciara. They own my soul. And it’s exhausting. It’s problematic. And wonderful. But this wolf needs to hunt.”
“That’s the spirit!” Nolan pats Declan on the back.
Donna returns. Her smile drops as I see her clock the strange energy she just entered into.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
“Nothing,” I say quickly.
But the Irish devil speaks up. “We were just discussing what the rest of this evening might look like. A nice calm, pleasant, boring, average, run-of-the-mill evening like we’re having. Or a Billy Boston Special. A tale you can half remember and believe even less.”
“I’ve already had a lot to drink. I thought thiswasyou guys going out?” Donna says.
