Page 9 of A Very No Strings Halloween
“What do you mean?”
What do I mean? I’m asking what’s going on with her emotionally. In her life. Even though that’s against the no-strings rules. When we started this arrangement, it was made clear by both of us that if this had any hope of staying fun, we couldn’t burden each other with our real-life problems. Only made-up problems of people like Rod Auger and Ms. Ballcock. Instead of analyzing why I’m asking, I just say, “I dunno. Is there something wrong, or is it just the dishwasher bringing you down?”
“Isn’t that breaking the rules?” Donna asks, as if reading my mind.
I pocket the screws and shrug without looking at her, staying focused on the dishwasher. “You’re not offering. I’m asking. I think we can get off on a technicality.”
She hesitates, and I take that moment to pull thedishwasher out. It covers whatever awkward pause was about to happen between us with the scraping of metal against linoleum. Which I prefer, for some reason. Would it hurt if she says no? That’s ridiculous. That’s literally her business. When the dishwasher is out far enough so I can see the back and the connecting drain hose, the quiet returns. And I just wait to see if she wants to fill it with an answer.
“I had a tough day at work.”
“Oh yeah?” I don’t look at her. I focus on the drain hose, which is indeed kinked and not installed properly. Because I think if I look at her, she’ll stop talking.
“Yeah. No one died. Which as you know, in my line of work, happens.”
“Yeah,” I say, because I don’t know what else to say. Her job as a private nurse is incredibly important and incredibly heavy and something I know I wouldn’t be able to do.
“It was just a miscommunication with someone who was supposed to come to my patient’s house today to help me with something, so I had to do it myself. It was a scheduling conflict that’s falling on me. And it’s not a big deal. It wasn’t a life-or-death situation, which makes me feel even dumber about being so annoyed by it.”
“Well, you can only ever have your problems. Even if they’re not life or death. They’re still yours, and there’s still a problem.” I look up at her when shedoesn’t say anything. She’s looking at me with a strange look on her face. “What?”
“That’s pretty wise, Billy Boston.”
“I’m full of wisdom, Donna Fischer.” With a smile that confirms I know just how full of wisdom and charm I am.
“You’re full of something,” she says with a laugh.
The hose is unkinked and the unit is draining again. I start working on hooking the hose in the proper place. “You sound like my cousins.”
Donna sighs again. “Well, that’s the other thing—relatives. My oma was bugging me about dating again. People just don’t get why it’s awesome to not be tied down. Because even though you’re wise, Billy, you’re also wrong. Icanhave the problems of Ms. Ballcock, who has a jealous ex-husband and the need to be fucked by her sexy plumber.”
“Sexy,wiseplumber,” I correct her. I hook the drain hose onto the back and push the dishwasher under the countertop. “Well, I don’t know about the rest, but this’ll be one less problem Donna Fischer has to worry about.”
“Is it done already?”
“Almost,” I say, rotating the screws back in. “I had a similar situation, I guess. Though I’m not supposed to be sharing, am I?”
“I’ll allow it,” she says,waving her hand in the air like a queen. That sounds like a fun scenario for later. I shall serve her and be queened by a queen.
I take a deep breath.Come on, Billy, you’re a fake professional plumber. Focus.“So, I was at this family thing, right? And everyone’s giving me shit about still being single. The usual crap. My cousin Nolan, the one who knows I’m completely full of wisdom, even bet me I couldn’t find a serious girlfriend by November.”
Red snorts. “That’s stupid.”
“Tell me about it,” I grumble, tightening a screw with maybe a bit more force than is necessary. Especially because I’m starting to feel confused about which part of that is stupid. The fact that they think I should have one, the fact that they think I can’t get one, or the fact that I don’t have one.
“So is Halloween the deadline, then?”
“Yeah, I suppose it is.”
“I’ve got Halloween off this year for a change. Gonna hand out candy to the trick-or-treaters in the building. You’re welcome to join me. Contribute some Mounds bars to the cause if you don’t have a girl by then.”
“Thanks, but I’ve got this big Halloween party I’m supposed to hit.” I almost tell her that if I don’t have a girlfriend by then, Halloween is when I’m guaranteed to wake up next to one the day after. Most people find hookups during Halloween. They go out at night, pretend to be other people, get shit-faced, and have agood time. They leave their inhibitions at home for a change. But getting shit-faced and having a good time is my life. Those Halloween partiers are tourists visiting my home country. And on nights like that, therealBilly Boston seems like boyfriend material.
“Well, great. More candy for me, then.” She sounds disappointed, though. Which is strange. I must be imagining things. But we both lapse into silence as I focus on the dishwasher. I run a quick cycle, and everything seems to be working properly.
“She’s draining and running smoothly now,” I announce proudly. “Now, are you ready to…” My mouth snaps shut when I look over at Donna. Her eyes are closed. Not in aI’m so turned on by Billy’s real-life plumbing skills that I’m going to give Rod’s rod the ride of his life and I need to shut my eyes for a moment to contain my pleasurekind of shut-eye. They’reI’m so exhausted that I fell asleep standing upclosed.
“Donna?” I say gently.
