Page 67 of A Very No Strings Halloween
That’s never been me. I didn’t drink to get away. I drank because it was fun. But so was not drinking. I didn’t do or wear or say crazy things to get away from who I was. I liked who I was. That was mebeingwho I was.
But I’m not sure I like who I am now. Did Donna change me? Why am I not fun anymore? Why am I the saddest fucking-sexy wizard who ever lived?
Donna didn’t change me.
Ichanged me.
I realize it wasn’t the partying or the whimsy that made me Billy Boston. I wasn’t mysterious to people because of that. That was all window dressing.
The real reason people couldn’t understand me is that I do what I want to do when I want to do it for as many seconds of my life as I can. When I want to take care of my cousin’s wife’s niece, I do. When I want to go to Iceland, I do. When I want to have an epic night of debauchery and wake up in a place I don’t recognize, that’s what I do.
But I haven’t been doing that lately. Because forthe first time in my life, I have something that I don’t want to lose.
We made this no strings because she needed an escape and I wanted to have fun. Hell, we were so serious about not making it serious that we weren’t even us half the time. We pretended to be other people so that Donna never fell for Billy and Billy never fell for Donna. I know that’s what she wanted in the beginning and what I agreed to. But I’ve been using it as an excuse.
Donna hasn’t asked me to change anything about myself or to be someone else. She’s been with me every step of the way. I stopped doing what I wanted to do and saying what I wanted to say.
Because I’ve been a coward.
I wanted to say that I love her. That she’s everything I want in a person. She’s fully herself too, and maybe we could be even more of who we are together—near infinite in the love and life and happiness that we could create as a team.
But I’m losing it because I’m not willing to be who I am, to go after what I want. I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t play the role of the guy who still has nothing to lose. I have everything to lose—the most amazing person I have ever met in my life.
I’m done pretending that I don’t feel the way that I feel.
Who I am, deep in my core, who I’ve come to be inthese last few months, is a guy who’s desperately in love with Donna. Who needs her more than he needs air.
I’m in love with Donna Fischer. And she’s going to know it.
And maybe, just maybe, if she feels the same way, if she doesn’t get scared and run, I have everything to gain too.
I don’t want to party tonight. I don’t want to wake up in some strange new place with a new person.
I wantmyperson.
I want her to want me.
I want strings.
It’s time for Billy to be Billy.
It’s time to do what I want to do when I want to do it.
Murph and Becky-Ann return with drinks.
“I gotta bounce,” I say to Murph.
“What? Already?”
“It was very nice meeting both of you. But I don’t want to be here anymore, so I’m not going to be.” I don’t say it in a cruel way. It’s just a fact.
“Nice meeting you,” Connie-Joy says, not meaning a single drop of it. That’s the Connie-Joy I barely know!
I clap hands with Murph. “Have a fantastic night, brotha.”
“You too. Where are you goin’?” he calls to me as I walk away.
“I gotta see a girl about some candy!” I yell over my shoulder.
