Page 32 of A Very No Strings Halloween
“Oh.” Donna says. “Wait, so she’s notyourniece?”
“Nope. She’s my cousin’s wife’s niece. I don’t think there’s a word for that. All I know is we’re not related by blood, which is good because she’s always checking out our butts—me and my cousins—and we have to pretend that she isn’t.”
Donna laughs really hard at that. Which is very strange because it’s not funny. “How do you know?”
“She’s been checking out our butts since she was, like, thirteen! Do you know how bad kids are at hiding things?”
That just makes her laugh harder. Which is even stranger. I guess she was more freaked out by the radio thing than I was.
She climbs off me and uses the blanket to wipe us both off. “So, is there a butt convention in Boston that I don’t know about? What’s she coming to town for?”
I pull my pants back up and go get Donna’s clothes to bring to her. “Uh, some kind of author thing. She got a ticket to go to a reading or something at Harvard. Her parents and my cousin are busy, so I offered to be her chaperone. She’ll only be here for a few hours after the reading, but I’m not sure what to do with her after. She’s almost seventeen. Should I take her to the zoo? Or one of those tea rooms with those little round French cookies in different colors that girls freak out about?”
Donna starts getting dressed, minus undergarments, and now she’s laughing in a totally different way. Like she’s amused. She’s all glassy eyed when she looks at me. “That is adorable. But more appropriate for a seven-year-old. If she’s almost seventeen and lives in New York and going to author events, then she’s probably pretty mature. I bet she’d enjoy hanging out around Harvard.”
“There are so many college guys’ butts aroundthere, though. I don’t think I can beat up every single one of them if they try to hit on her.”
That makes Donna snort-laugh. Which is very satisfying. Except I wasn’t kidding. And the thing is I’m realizing that I really want Donna to come with me. I think I just really want Donna.
Suddenly the lights stop flickering.
Suddenly I know what I have to do. I can’t just ask Donna out yet because it’ll scare her off. I have totrickDonna into thinking she’s still teaching me how to date someone else when really I’mtreatingher to dates with me. I’ll learn how to dateher, and she’ll figure out eventually that it’s not that scary to be in a real relationship with me. Everybody wins.
The light overhead buzzes and then goes off and on again.
I guess I will have to call in an electrician.
“So listen, I’ve never been alone with Piper and I have no idea what to talk to her about. Since you got the day off tomorrow, why don’t you come with me to hang with her? You can teach me how to behave in case I end up dating a single mom with a teenage daughter. Plus you can help me take on those preppy trust-fund assholes who try to chat her up.” I hold my breath waiting for her response.
I watch a million conflicting microexpressions flicker across her face. Is she flattered? Is she disappointed? Is she offended?I’ve been inside this woman so many times, but I never feel like I can get inside her head.
Finally she says, “Oh. Yeah. I mean, I was just going to do laundry and clean up around here and look at paint colors, but…I have a little less laundry to do now, thanks to you, so…”
“I will purchase replacements for you immediately.”
“Not necessary.”
“They’re standard issue, inmate. Iwillpurchase replacements for you immediately,” I repeat.
She laughs and gives in, and I silently hope that I will have many more opportunities to tear up those replacements again.
EIGHT
Donna
PIPER-HORMONAL ACTIVITY
I’ve seen a lot of different versions of my neighbor. Most recently he’s been a plumber, a Mark Wahlberg, and a corrections officer. Some all-time favorite roles he’s played with me in private include, but are not limited to, New Orleans Vampire Billy, Grumpy English Professor Billy, and Brokenhearted Strip Club Client Billy. If I’m being honest, I also very much enjoyed First Date Billy.
But today I’m seeing him in a very different kind of role—one that does not involve sex. At all. Today I’m witnessing Overprotective Sort-of Uncle Billy who will cut anyone with a penis if he even looks at his cousin’s wife’s niece. When we picked her up from the airport, a male flight attendant accompanied Piper to the Arrivals pickup area and this man was clearly gay, but as soon as they walked through the doors, Billy got upin that flight attendant’s face and said, “Okay, I’ll take it from here, hotshot. This is notthatkind of pickup area, you understand? Move it along.”
He walks alongside her like he’s Secret Service and she’s a head of state.
The head of the state of virginity, that is.
I mean, this girl is adorable. She isn’t seventeen yet, and she does not strike me as someone who’s ready to be sexually active, as much as her hormones seem to be telling her otherwise. But the way Billy is being overprotective of her and cockblocking any guy who tries to talk to her, you’d think she’s twelve.
This is the opposite of the Billy who was spanking me in a basement yesterday, but it’s so cute and I can’t help but find it endearing.
