Page 29 of A Very Grumpy Father's Day
TWELVE
Declan
A FERRY-TALE ENDING
I never thought I’d be this eager to arrive on Staten Island.
I remember the first time I came here to see Maddie on Christmas. She was my executive assistant and my fake girlfriend, and her thirteen-year-old niece had encouraged me to stop by a family gathering. I was so hesitant as I approached Aunt Mel’s house and totally unsure as to how Maddie would react. But it no longer made sense to be alone at the office when I could have been with the woman I was falling in love with. I remember standing across the street and watching the house, thinking,Wow, that inflatable snowman looks like it’s going to stab someone with the candy cane.The person who owns that house must be nuts, but if Cooper loves her she’s probably okay.And I was right.
Now Piper is finishing up her junior year in high school, and things could not be more real between me and Maddie. She has signed the ultimate legal document certifying that she thinks I’m hot as fuck and worth loving. She has nursed me back to health when I was so sick with fever I thought she was my nonna. I’ve watched as a tiny, perfect human was extracted from inside of her body. I have carefully awoken her when finding her asleep on the toilet two weeks after giving birth. I’ve watched her simultaneously use a hands-free breast pump while she was doing meal prep andrescheduling a meeting for her boss—and been very confused by which part of that was most arousing to me. I have somehow managed to keep her in love with me despite seeing very clearly in her eyes and hearing in her voice that I am the most infuriating person she’s ever met—over and over again. And I want to show her how much I appreciate her by banging her on a big, orange boat—as soon as possible.
I had the driver drop me off at the Staten Island Ferry Terminal. I haven’t been here since that time with Maddie. We usually drive out for family visits. Now that I’m here, I’m realizing that I should have just hired a limo so we could do it in the back seat on the way home. But in my sex-starved brain this seemed like the ultimate romantic gesture.
See? We are never too old or too married to do it standing up in a discreet public location, as long as no one observes us and we do not expose private or intimate body parts in a lewd manner, because that would be punishable as a misdemeanor in the state of New York.
I got a text from Piper informing me that they were having cake fifteen minutes ago.
Time to rock my wife’s world.
She answers on the third ring. “I’ll be home in an hour and a half at the most,” she says.
“So will I, and we’ll both be grinning from ear to ear.”
“What?”
“I’m at the Staten Island Ferry Terminal. Come meet me here when you’re done.”
“Wait. What?”
“Come meet me at the Staten Island Ferry Terminal. I’m here now. On Staten Island.”
“Is our child with you?”
“No, I got Nolan to watch her for a few hours. Ashton’s sleeping over at a friend’s house, and Cora said she’d be happy to have some alone time with Bridget. Which I took as a cry for help to give her a break from the Irish Devil.”
“You don’t say.”
“Can you get Bex to drop you off here on her way home?”
“Hang on. Aunt Mel would like to speak with you.”
I’ll take that as a yes.
I can hear Mel in the background. “Is he comin’ to the house? Now? Somebody find the air freshener! The good kind!” I hear her putting her plate down on the coffee table before she starts yelling into the phone. “Well, hello there! You with your gifts,mistah. First with thenutcrackahdoll, which I will have you know is the first thing I put out on the mantel on the first ofNovembah, every year since you came into our lives. Now thiscawffeethermos. You got the gift for givin’ is what I tell anyone who’ll listen, y’know that?”
“It’s what I’ve been telling people since I was old enough to talk.”
“Awww, such a gem you are. You’re comin’ over,arright? I’ll heat you up a plate ofleftovahs, just a mashup ofwhatevah, you know the drill.”
“Maddie’s actually just going to come meet me at the ferry station, and I already ate, but thank you so much.”
“Oh, well, I’ll give Maddie aTuppahwareofleftovahcake for ya, then.”
My plans for us on the ferry do not involve Maddie holding on to anything besides my dick, but I know better than to refuse leftover cake on Mel’s birthday. “That’d be great, thank you. Happy birthday, Mel.”
“Aw, thanks, hon. I’ll hand ya back to Maddie now,arright?”
“Hey,” my wife says. “Soooo, what’s happening? You’re at the ferry terminal, and your plan is for us to…ridethe ferry back to Manhattan?”
