Page 34 of A Very Grumpy Father's Day
“What? No. I mean. I don’t think we did. Ma, I have to call you back in a bit. Billy’s here, and I need to call Maddie to find out why.”
“Ohhhh, that’s right. I forgot about Billy.”
“Wait, you knew he was going to be here?”
“His mother told me. What am I supposed to do?Notknow everything? Don’t forget to FaceTime your father later. We need to see all our beautiful babies and grandbabies today. We’re havin’ lunch with everyone else in an hour—but it’s totally fine that you couldn’t join us. You are with us in spirit, my darling New Yorkers. Give my little angel a kiss for me, and have a wonderful time.” She hangs up.
A wonderful time doing what? How did she know Billy would be here? Why doesn’t anyone else realize what a terrible idea it is to give him the responsibility of caring for a baby? I call my wife as I watch my cousin open up every food storage container in the fridge and sniff its contents.
“You got any brisket?” he asks, as if most people have brisket.
“What is wrong with you?”
“Enh.I’ll just make a sandwich. I had breakfast on the plane. And at the airport. And in the car on the way here.” The man has the metabolism of a demonic hummingbird.
I squeeze my eyes shut and rub my temple.Why is this happening?
My wife finally answers her phone. “You at home?”
“Yes. Why is my most idiotic cousin also here?”
Billy laughs at that.
“He’s there to babysit Ciara for a few hours.”
“Absolutely not.”
“He is not idiotic, and he was literally the only available option who isn’t a total stranger.”
“Unacceptable.”
“Declan. Billy offered to fly in to look after Ciara so we could have a date. Today’s the only day he’s available all month. He knows a guy who got us a good day rate and early check-in at a hotel, and that is where I am right now.”
“Let me guess—the Bronx?”
“A suite at the Ritz-Carlton, actually. I’m looking out over the park.”
“Oh.” That’s one of the best hotels in the city. Or at least it was until they hired a guy who knows Billy. “Come home.”
When I look back at my cousin, I am startled to see just how far his sandwich has progressed. He’s making a club sandwich with about nine different ingredients.
“Ask Maddie if you got any sardines. Orpotatahchips.”
“No,” I tell him. “Just no.”
“We have chips in the pantry,” Maddie says in my ear.
I am not telling him that. Those are my chips. I’m going to need them later.
Maddie sighs. “I’m not coming home. You and Nolan have a warped view of who Billy is. Do you honestly think I would have asked him to babysit if I didn’t trust him? Did you know he’s CPR certified?”
“Did you know he wanted to go as the Silver Surfer for Halloween so he asked someone to cover his entire body with silver acrylic paint and ended up at the hospital? Five years ago?”
Billy laughs and shakes his head at that hilarious memory while sucking an ounce of leftover aioli off his thumb.
“He actually provided me with a very long, thorough list of things he has learned not to do, but he did tell me that the Silver Surfer story is just an urban legend, like most of the stories you and Nolan tell about him.”
“Lies. He’s provided you with a list of lies, Maddie.”
