Page 26 of A Very Grumpy Father's Day
TEN
Maddie
DADDY’S HOME
*The night before Father’s Day*
“Fiftydollas? This costovahfiftydollas, didn’t it? Oh mygawd, it did.” My aunt Mel holds up the gold rhinestone-encrusted stainless steel coffee thermos Declan and I gave her for her birthday. She’s holding it up with both hands, like the baboon presenting baby Simba to the community inThe Lion King, only it’s just her and me here in her kitchen right now. I’m rinsing dishes before placing them in the dishwasher while my mom, Bex, and Piper continue watchingMagic Mikein the living room. My aunt owns ten DVDs, and seven of them star Channing Tatum. “Look at this fancycawffeethermos! Who am I?” She’s smiling so hard it makesmycheeks sore. “Who am I? A Kardashian? It’s so sparkly. Lemme write you a check for half of this, hon.”
“No, Aunt Mel, it’s your birthday present. We were so happy to get it for you.”
“Now I’m gonna have to start buyin’ the expensivecawffeeto put in here, am I right?” She chuckles gleefully as she places the thermos on top of her head like it’s a hat. “Look at me, so fancy.”
“I’m so glad you like it.”
“Like it?! I love it. They’re gonna bury me with it. Oh, I wonder how I should wash it though?”
“Just hand-wash it. Don’t soak it or put it in the dishwasher.”
“Oh, I wouldnevah.”
“You know, it was Declan’s idea to get you this. He saw someone carrying one like this a few months ago, and he texted me and told me we had to get you one.”
My aunt clutches at her heart, and her eyes well up with tears. Like most of the women who were born and bred on Staten Island, she’s a tough broad, so the only time I’ve ever actually seen her cry was when she was babysitting once and made me and my sister watchBeaches. Because she can’t stand to see Bette Midler suffer. Now she’s fanning her mascara with one hand because of my husband. “That man. That man’s heart. I thank the lord that man came into our lives, y’know that?”
“He’ll be very pleased to hear it.”
“Heart of gold and a butt that should be bronzed, am I right?”
“You are not wrong.”
“I gotta find a nice place to keep this when I’m not usin’ it.” She scans her little kitchen, looking for some free shelf or counter space, and there really isn’t any. Her cookie jar collection dominates. She even keeps a small one on top of her coffee maker and removes it when she makes coffee. “Oh well, I’ll do some rearrangin’ tomorrow. Everybody’s waitin’ on dessert—where are my manners?” She gently places her new thermos on the breakfast table before taking her birthday cake out of the fridge. We had a potluck, but she insisted on making her own cake. “Y’know, my father,gawdrest his soul, was a good man too,” she says as she slides the no-bake Oreo and pudding–based cake onto the counter.
“I know. I miss him.”
“It’s not easy bein’ a dad to girls, I think. But he tried. And your Dec, he’s tryin’ too, bless his heart.”
“He really is.” It’s a girls’ night in, so Declan is at home with Ciara. Bex’s husband, Josh, is at home with the toddler, and my dad is at home with his James Bond movie marathon. They’ve all been texting and calling us ever since we left, but I haven’t heard from Declan in a while now. He must have finally gotten Ciara to sleep.
“Pass me the Cool Whip from the fridge, will ya, hon? And that jar of the good sprinkles.”
I do just that.
“You go back and watch the movie, hon. I’ll add the Cool Whip and sprinkles, and then one ayousecan light the candles and I’ll act all surprised when you bring it out,arright?” She winks at me, but she’s wearing so much mascara her eyelashes stick together for a second. “Oh, and open a window in there, will ya? Because, y’know. Roast chicken farts.”
“You got it. Let us know when it’s ready.” I wipe my hands on a flowery dish towel that saysFresh Out of Fucksbefore returning to the living room and discreetly cracking open a window. No one is watching the movie, which we’ve all seen multiple times before. Although I don’t personally think Piper should be watching most of this content, she’s really only interested in the scenes that Matt Bomer is in. Both my mother and sister are talking on their phones, and Piper is texting on hers.
“We haven’t had the cake yet,” my mother yell-whispers to my dad. “And there’s still half an hour left ofMagic Mike… I know I’ve already seen it, but Mel wanted to watch it and it’s her birthday… Just recordGoldfinger, and we’ll watch it together tomorrow!” She rolls her eyes at me.
“No, you have to give him his blankie, Josh!” Bex says to her husband. “Everything I’ve ever read everywhere says children will wean themselves off a blankie eventually on their own. We can set boundaries like he can’t take it with him to preschool, but if he wants it when he’s in bed just give it to him.”Sherolls her eyes at me.
Piper doesn’t roll her eyes at me because they’re glued to her phone. I can tell she’s texting with a boy because of the enormous smile on her sweet face, but she refuses to talk about it.
I check my phone to see if Declan’s sent me any more videos of our baby putting things into a box and then taking them out again, as if I’ve never seen her do that. It’s so cute that these men can spend all day at the office without us, but if they have to spend more than an hour at home without their wives they panic. There are no new messages from my husband, and I’m kind of disappointed about that.
I look around the room, at all the red, white, and blue decorations that Mel has had up since the day before Memorial Day. No one celebrates the holidays as aggressively as my aunt Mel does, so it’s nice that we can celebrateheronce a year. She decorates for Father’s Day by putting framed photos of all the dads in her life on the mantel, and I teared up when I saw the one of Declan holding Ciara for the first time at the hospital. I’d seen him with his niece and nephews before we had a baby together, and Mamie had shown me dozens of pictures of him holding Eddie when they were little, so I knew he was good with kids. But when it came to his own baby, he got so nervous.
Despite having held numerous tiny babies that he was related to before, he was so afraid he’d drop ours or do something horribly wrong. I want so badly for him to have a happy day tomorrow. I hope things work out.
