Page 11 of A Very Grumpy Father's Day
“She been crying?”
“She just doesn’t want to nap. She’s going through a fussy phase.”
“Oh yeah? With everyone or just you? Did you try Irish?”
“What do you want, Eddie?”
“I was just checking to see if you’re still alive. I saw some pretty intense pics on Billy’s Facebook.”
“Obviously I’m fine.”
“And I wanted to give you a heads-up that Casey’s pissed you hung out with Jon Bon Jovi and didn’t invite her.”
“Great. Another angry female relative. She lives in Ohio—what does she expect?”
“She expects the same invitations you extend to Billy Boston, obviously.”
“I didn’t invite him anywhere. I don’t even remember why we ended up in the Hamptons.”
“Well, good luck explaining that to Casey.”
“I don’t need luck to talk to anyone,” I snap. “Talking is my thing.”
And now Ciara is crying again.
“Clearly,” Eddie says. “Hey. Hold the phone closer to her.”
“Why?”
“So she can hear me better. Just do it.”
I sigh and move the phone closer to my poor, unsuspecting daughter’s face. Here it comes. He’s gonna wink at her or take off his shirt and show her his abs or some shit. He reaches for something, and then red fur fills the screen. He pulls his phone back, and all we see is Elmo’s face. “Ciara!” Eddie says in a pretty spot-on Elmo voice, “Hahahaha! Hi! Welcome toElmo’s World!”
God dammit, it’s working. She is silent and enraptured. Not by Eddie. By Elmo. She’s too young to watch TV, but she loves her Elmo toys.
“Guess what Elmo was wondering about today! Sleeping! Elmo wants to know all about naps! Do you know how to take a nap?” He peeks out from behind the stuffed Elmo.
“I want to know why you have an Elmo stuffie.”
“It’s my wife’s. She is adorable, and I find her childlike enthusiasm for learning to be extremely hot,” he says in his normal voice. He switches back to the Elmo voice. “Elmo sees a lot of action here in this bedroom! Hahahahaha!”
“All right, that’s enough.”
He holds up Elmo again. “Hey, baby! Do you want to take a nap now?! I do!” He fakes a yawn. “Elmo is tired! Is Ciara tired too?”
She giggles. Giggles! At Elmo. Not at my brother.
“Okay, I think you’re having the opposite effect on her,” I say.
Eddie’s face fills the screen again. “Have you worn the costume we sent you yet?”
“What costume?”
He rolls his eyes. “You know. The one we sent you as a housewarming present. For Ciara.”
“I thought that was for her. When she’s an adult.”
“No. It’s for you. But, I mean, she’d probably just cry if she sees you in it anyway.”
