Page 2 of There Is Also a Dog
P.P.S. Thanks for growing a beard that time and for trying to save the planet.
The drive here in my rental car was scenic, and the view of the sunset over the treetops was stunning. It’s so peaceful and quiet I swear, if I hold my breath, I can hear my eyelashes when I blink. But as long as I don’t get hacked into pieces by an axe murderer or mauled by a bear, I should be able to get a lot of relaxing work done in this place. Honestly, I would probably still get some work done if I get mauled by a bear, as long as it isn’t fatal. As long as the Wi-Fi signal is as good as my host claims it is. If I don’t get internet, I’m screwed.
The owner of this cabin, Mitchell Conrad—who is clearly gay because why else would this place be so tastefully decorated if he’s straight and single—left a polite note in a very cute Christmas card with a photo of what I assume is his own adorable dog. A French bulldog. Gray with little white markings. Cutest littlesmooshyface and lovey-dovey eyes and short little legs I have ever seen.
I don’t usually want a dog, but I want that one.
Not a doglike that one—I want that exact one.
There are framed photos of this incredible four-legged creature all over the cabin and not one image of a human, and that makes me feel uncharacteristically calm and happy. I didn’t have time to Google Mitchell before I had to get out of my apartment and hit the road, but the profile photo for Mitchell’s Gmail account was just of a big hand holding a coffee mug. The coffee mug said,The more people I meet, the more I love my dogand the hand was…impressive. He and his dog both appear to be very well-groomed. They must have been here about an hour before I arrived, to shovel snow and leave the card and welcome basket. I got mildly excited when I saw how big the human footprints were, but then I assured myself that he’s probably gay—because why else would there be so many houseplants and such tasteful pottery and pretty area rugs? Why else would the wide plank hardwood floors be so beautiful that I almost came in my pants as soon as I walked in?
Why else would he have been so outrageously flirty when we were emailing about Wi-Fi?
Well, maybe I’ll get a fabulous new gay best friend for Christmas. Maybe Mitchell Conrad wears jaunty vests and bowties and enjoys giving his lady friends decorating advice via Zoom. Maybe he has a hot, single straight friend in Manhattan that he gives his hand-me-down throw pillows and area rugs to. Maybe his friend will bone me, be too busy to date me, and then let me have those throw pillows and area rugs because he feels guilty about it. Win-win-win!
That’s the spirit!
I open my laptop and a browser, holding my breath as I wait for my email account to load up. Things are happening, but they are not happening quickly. Not by my standards anyway. Not a good sign.
I shouldn’t have come here.
When the site finally loads, I review the conversation I had earlier today with Mitchell Conrad—the probably gay property owner with large, manicured hands, big shoes, an amazing French bulldog, questionable Wi-Fi router, and no ethernet ports.
Jillian Perry
to Mitchell
Hello. I’m a friend of Maddie Cooper’s. I live in Manhattan, and I need a place to stay for the next two nights. Maddie said you have a cabin that’s available to rent? How’s the cell phone service in your area of the Catskills? What internet service provider do you have and what kind of router? Do you have ethernet?
Thanks in advance for getting back to me ASAP.
-- Jillian
Mitchell Conrad
to me
Hi there. Any friend of Maddie and Declan’s is a friend of mine. Even if they’re impatient New Yorkers who want everything done ASAP ;)
My cabin did suddenly become available, and the Airbnb rate is $252 a night, but I can let you have it for the friends and family rate of $175.
I have Spectrum. Nighthawk router. No ethernet. Download speed was 149.3 Mbps last time I checked. I have a backup router in case the old one slows down.
You can relax, New Yorker. You’ll be in good hands.
There is also a spectacular view of Windham Mountain and all the way across to the Berkshires, in case you get tired of staring at your computer screen ;)
Jillian Perry
to Mitchell
You charge your family to stay in your cabin?
Mitchell Conrad
to me
Only my dad’s side of the family. They’re assholes. From New York ;)
