Page 10 of There Is Also a Dog
I could bring her a basket full of gingerbread. My gingerbread men are sensitive alpha male baked boyfriends who’ll ask her how her day was, calmly listen to her throw shade at thatb-face her ex married on Christmas Eve, bring her a mug of hot apple-cinnamon cider, and then fuck her eight different ways ‘til Taco Tuesday.
She isn’t even ready for my steak tacos. My steak taco will ruin her for all other tacos because I make my own tortillas. With my big, manly, capable, bare hands. The same hands I could use to chop some extra wood for her fireplace when I stop by with those cookies. I think I’ll make her some good old, sexy, classic shortbread. Just like Nana used to make.
But first, I’ll go to my bedroom to beat off so Agnes doesn’t have to watch.
I get my good little girl another treat and then head to my room with my phone, picturing bad girl Jillian lying on the bed in the cabin, waiting for me in a tiny camisole and saucy boy shorts.
As soon as I unlock my phone to reread her texts, I see two new ones.
JILLIAN: Hello. This is your cabin guest again. I am now fully dressed and was all ready to get down to work, but the router isn’t working. I can’t get internet on my laptop.
JILLIAN: To be clear—by “get down to work,” I literally meant “to do work.” Not get down in the “Jungle Boogie” sense. I’m a paralegal. I need the internet to access a document database. It’s imperative. Please advise ASAP. Thank you.
ME: Hello. Thank you for clarifying as to what you meant regarding “get down to work” because I really had you pegged for a Kool & the Gang fan and was going to suggest you get up with the get down and get the boogie.
ME: I am sorry to hear that the Wi-Fi has slowed. Have you tried unplugging the router for at least one minute and restarting your computer before trying the connection again after a few minutes?
JILLIAN: I AM a Kool & the Gang fan, and this isn’t my first router death rodeo. Of course I rebooted. And it hasn’t slowed down. It’s gone. AWOL. MIA. There’s no Wi-Fi connection. On my phone or my laptop or my iPad or the TV here. I’m currently using the two bars of cell service on my phone. This is not good. This is very, very bad. Please advise. ASAP.
ME: Did you bring an ethernet cable? You could try connecting it to the router.
JILLIAN: Why would I bring an ethernet cable? You said you don’t have ethernet. You said your Wi-Fi is amazing. You said you have a backup router. Is it here at the cabin?
ME: No. I’d have to bring it to you.
JILLIAN: Well, can you do that?
Shit. I’m not ready to just drive over and see her. I can’t just show up with a stiffy and no shortbread.
ME: Before I do that… There are paper clips in the top drawer on the side of the kitchen island. You can try resetting the router to factory settings if you use the tip of a paper clip to press the reset button on the back of it.
JILLIAN: I already tried that too.
ME: That is impressive. Did you run a wireless diagnostic?
JILLIAN: Can you bring me the new router tonight or not?
JILLIAN: I would understand if you can’t since it’s Christmas Eve. I’m sure you have plans. Plans that don’t involve murdering anyone but do involve wearing a sweater. But my team has a case going to trial, and I have to do some research. Like I said, it’s imperative.
ME: I can be there in fifteen minutes.
JILLIAN: Thank you. I suppose you’ll be wearing a sweater and coat since it’s starting to snow a bit so I guess I’ll recognize you because you’ll be the one carrying a router.
ME: And a dog. I will be the one with the dog. It’s imperative that I bring Agnes.
JILLIAN: Yay!
JILLIAN: Sorry. I haven’t said “yay!” since I was in college. But yay!
ME: ;)
Shit.
I shouldn’t have winky-faced her again.
Fuck it.
I jerk it to that cheeky little fully dressed minx, hard and fast. ASAP. Gettin’ down with the boogie just the way she likes it. If she’s gonna be all tech-capable and dog-loving like that. If she’s gonna be all bantery and cute like that.
