Page 76 of A Very Friendly Valentine's Day

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WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS RUPERT GOING TO DO!?

I’m on the phone with my asshole cousins when I could have been talking to Birdie, and now Lord Fucknut is going to do something with ortoher?

Oh hell no.

I call her back, but it immediately goes to voicemail.

“Hi, it’s me. I can’t believe I missed your call. I am definitely not out gallivanting around town. I’m at my brother’s place and I’m going to stay here all night waiting to hear from you. I was just on the phone with my asshole cousins, so I didn’t hear the call waiting. Anyway. Call me again as soon as you can. I miss you.”

I hang up and I’m about to hurl my phone at the wall when I hear the ding of a text notification.

But it’s not from Birdie.

UNKNOWN NUMBER: Hi, Eddie! It’s Piper! Maddie’s niece? Declan’s fiancée Maddie’s niece. Declan’s at our place RN. U posed for a picture with her for me? In Ohio. On Christmas Eve. BEST. CHRISTMAS. GIFT. EVER!!! And then u had a signed headshot sent to me? I have it up on my wall in my bedroom.

ME: Hey Piper. How are you?

PIPER: OMG hi! TY for replying! I am gr8! How RU?! Declan said ur in town at his place! He gave me ur number. LOL hope u don’t mind! Hi!!! Welcome to New York!!!

ME: Thank you!

PIPER: He said ur there all alone. I am available to come keep you company! LOLOL JK! Not really kidding tho I mean I do have to finish an essay for tomorrow, but u should come have dinner with us! We haven’t started eating yet. I can save the chair next to me 4U! U would have to sit next to the baby but he’s not always messy.

ME: Thanks for the invite, but I have to wait for an important call, so I’m gonna stick around here. But that’s really nice of you.

PIPER: Okay! NP! Well if u get the important call soon then u can still come for dessert!

ME: We’ll see, thanks.

PIPER: Is it the IG girl? The important call? I saw that she unfollowed you.

ME: Nope. We broke up. I’m waiting for my friend Birdie to call.

ME: My girlfriend Birdie, I guess.

PIPER: Oh cool! She sounds nice!

ME: She is. She’s really nice. She’s on a train headed for New York RN.

PIPER: Ohhhhhh! The Girl on the Train!!! She’s so pretty! I her long wavy hair. Oh and btw I really ed ur Romeo monologue!!!!! I liked it even more than Leo’s! It was more alpha and HAWTTTT.

ME: Thank you, Piper. I appreciate that.

PIPER: And you have a way cuter butt.

PIPER: Oops. I guess I shouldn’t say that 2U.

ME: It’s cool. Be sure to tell Declan you think my butt is hotter than his.

PIPER: LOLOL. Ur butts are kind of tied for me TBH. Tied for #1 Best Butt in the World Everrrrrrr!!!

ME: Guess I can live with that.

PIPER: Okay, well. My mom’s yelling at me to set the table. Have a GN if I don’t CU! Xoxo

ME: You too, Piper. Thanks for checking in on me.

PIPER: Oh well, I can check in with u every day if u want! LOLOL. JK. I mean, I totally will if you want me to. Okay TTY later! BBFN.

ME: BBFN.

Sweet kid.

But still no call or text from Birdie, on either of the phones.

It’s going to be a long, terrible night.

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