Page 81 of A Very Friendly Valentine's Day
This is worse than waiting to find out if I got a part that I really want.
But I heard the part that I really needed to hear, I guess. She loves me. She’s gonna love me all over my face. Hard.
I will eat and I will rehydrate, but I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep until I can see Birdie’s face and hold her in my arms again.
Just as I’m walking out to tell my cousins to get out of here so I can beat off to thoughts of my girlfriend in private, my phone rings and I answer it without looking at the Caller ID. “Thank God! I am so glad I actually heard my fucking phone this time!”
“Well, I’m very glad you answered too, but you kiss your mother with that mouth?” asks my ma.
And suddenly I’m sober and there goes my Birdie Boner.
“Hey, Ma. I was gonna call you.” I return to the sofa in the living room as my cousins get up and retreat to the kitchen. As if my ma can smell the booze on them through the phone. And let’s face it—she probably can.
“Declan said you’re in New York by yourself.”
“I’m not by myself.”
“I heard the online woman dumped you and now your sweet Birdie’s stuck on a train all by herself because you missed it?”
Fuck you, Declan.
“She’s on her way here, Ma. She’s fine. We text and call each other all the time.”
She just doesn’t get my texts, and we keep missing each other’s calls, and fuck you, Catholic guilt.
“What kind of grownup misses a train when they’re in town—right by the train station?”
“There was a lot going on. I got mobbed by fans. I had to buy a coat. I had to call my agent. It was snowing.”
“You sabotaged yourself.”
“I did not sabotage myself. I wouldn’t do that with Birdie.”
I can hear her sniffling.
She’s crying.
Well, this is a fucking unbearable surprising delight.
“Ma. Don’t cry.”
“I just don’t understand where I went wrong with you. Such a beautiful, sweet boy, but you just can’t seem to get it right. I don’t want you to die alone.”
“I’m not gonna die alone. I’m getting it right. I’m making it right. Birdie isn’t mad at me—she’s fine.”
My asshole cousins are laughing at me for defending myself to her. As if they aren’t total mama’s boys too. Assholes.
“Are Billy and Nolan with you? Are you drinking? During the day? While that girl is stuck on a train all by herself? Because you missed it?”
“Yes, I am here with two of my cousins fromyourside of the family, Ma. There was no stopping them from coming over. You know how it is.”
“I know that you’re drunk and you’re hungry and you should be sober and counting your blessings that you finally got yourself a good, real woman instead of those fantasy girlfriends with the boobs and the hair.”
“I do. I know how lucky I am. And Birdie has boobs and hair too.” I hold the phone away from my ears and roll my eyes at my cousins.
“Don’t you roll your eyes at me, young man. You think I can’t tell what you’re doing? Put me on speakerphone.”
“You want me to put you on speakerphone so Billy and Nolan can hear you?” I say, grinning at my cousins.
