Page 80 of A Very Friendly Valentine's Day
The One with the Baby Panda
“Real love is beautiful, you guys. It’s so fucking beautiful.” I hug one of the pillows I brought out from Declan’s guest room. The one I covered with the shirt that still smells like Birdie, because I’m a badass alpha.
“You are firmly correct, my friend.” Nolan reaches over from the other side of the sofa to clink glasses with me.
We’ve been enjoying a few fingers of Declan’s Glendalough whiskey. The good stuff. The really good stuff. A few hands worth of fingers, I guess. I feel warm and dizzy and loved. But it’s still not enough to ease the pain of missing Birdie. And it probably doesn’t help that someone put on Radiohead a while back, but at least Billy isn’t making us belt out that fucking Chumbawamba song anymore.
“It hurts. I’m happy, but why does my heart hurt so much?”
“Ahhhh, because it’s growin’. A boy’s heart has to break first so it can grow bigger. Man-size. For a real woman.” Nolan winks at me, with those glassy black eyes, and I sort of want to kiss him.
“That’s beautiful. It is. I can feel it growing.”
“I want my heart to grow too.” Billy is in an armchair across from us, hugging himself. “I just wanna be loved, y’know? For real. I just wanna find the right woman to love. So I can love her back.”
“Cheers to that, boyo.” Nolan pours a little more whiskey into Billy’s tumbler. “Cheers to that.”
“I’m so tired of being single. I fuckin’ hate Valentine’s Day. Every year, man. Christmas and New Year’s make me feel lonely, but at least you can spend them with family, right? But V-Day… Fuck you, Valentine’s Day! Where’s the love ofmylife, huh? Why do you guys get to have great women? And Declan and Brady and Aiden and Mark and Fergl and Sean? Everyone. Everyone but Billy.”
“Because you’re a feckin’ tool.”
“So? Lots of women love tools. I just need to meet the right one.”
They both look so sad, and I love them. I love these guys. They’re both assholes, but I love them. “You’re my best friends. Both of you. After Birdie. And Declan. And a bunch of guys I went to school with and worked with. But you’re on the list.”
“Cheers to you, my friend.” Nolan reaches for the bottle again.
“No more for me. I need to sober up so I’ll be in good shape when I have to meet Birdie at Penis Station. Penn Station. Fuck.”
“Our grandad met Granny at the church and married her when he was scuttered and banjaxed after stayin’ out all night with his mates, and she loves him still.Cheers to you, my friend,” he repeats, this time in a menacing tone, as he pours me another couple of ounces of whiskey.
My phone beeps with a notification.
I put down my tumbler and whip my phone out of my back pocket, expecting a text, but there’s a voicemail. From Birdie.
What the fuck, phone?!
How did I miss the ring again?
I jump up, still hugging the pillow to my chest.
“Aww. Don’t leave, man. Where ya goin’? Things were just gettin’ good.”
“Everyone shut up. Shut up!” I storm into the guest room and shut the door so I can listen to the message without those sad, lonely losers mumbling over it.
February 12th, 6:45 p.m.
“Eddie! It’s me, Eddie! Can you hear me? Shit. A bunch of kids just ran down the hall, yelling. I got your message, but then I lost the signal, and I’ve been waiting and now there are two bars. I don’t understand how we can sometimes get a signal and sometimes not, even though we’ve been in the same fucking place for ten fucking years. Oh yeah—I swear now. Pretty hot, right?
Hi! I’m drunk too and I miss you too! I was singing karaoke when you called. I was singing about us. And thinking about your sweet, beautiful heart, and all the sweet things you say to me, and also your cock. I can’t wait to see it again. I mean, I can’t wait to see you again. I’m gonna climb you like a baby panda. Like, you’re the tree and I’m the baby panda. A horny baby panda. No wait. Something sexier. A sexy baby cheetah. Rawrrr.
Yeah, so I should be there in New York by now, but I’m not and I’m sad. It sounds like we won’t get in until really early tomorrow morning. You don’t have to pick me up. You should sleep. It sounds like you’ll need the sleep. I hope you remember to eat and rehydrate. I will go to the hotel if you aren’t there. And then we’ll have all the sex. Hotel sex! Shower sex! Elevator sex, maybe even!
I miss you. And not just your penis, either. My heart hurts when I’m not with you, but I still feel you with me, Eddie. I’m filled with thoughts of you. I still can’t believe I’m saying these things to you—but screw it. I’m gonna tell you I love you to your face. I’m gonna love you all over your face, so hard. I’m gonna put your… in my mouth and… and then I’m gonna take your… and… until you…”
Fuck you, cell phones and trains and weather!
What’s my girl gonna put in her mouth and then take and do with it until I—what?!
