Page 79 of A Very Friendly Valentine's Day
The One with Another Drunk Voicemail
February 12th, 4:32 p.m.
“Baby, won't you please come home- come on home, baby
’Cause your daddy's all alone-who’s your daddy?
I have tried in vain
Never no more to call your name- Birdie Beckett that’s her name
When you left, you broke my heart
Because I never thought we'd part -okay, that was my bad
Every hour in the day you'll hear me say
Oh, Birdie, mmmm come home -come home to Daddy.”
(muffled voice in background) “Why the fuck’s Declan got so many Dean Martin records? Who is he—Matlock? Come on. Put on something cool.”
“Dude. Don’t scratch Declan’s record or I’ll get in trouble!”
(muffled voice in background) “Don’t touch that record, you feckin’ maggot. Let me do it. Animal.”
“Hello? Did I…wait…did I already call? Hello? Is it…? Are you there? Is this voicemail? Hi. Birdie, hi. It’s Eddie. Your friend Eddie, who loves you.
Did it—was it weird that I said I love you that time in the text? Because I never didn’t get heard back from you… Wait… Wait…
Hey, I just got a text from you! Yay! You love me too. I was worried you changed your mind, but you did not and that is good. You are good. Sooooo good.
I’m not as drunk as they sound. As I sound. They made me—that’s my cousins over there, Noodle and Bully.”
(muffled laughter in background)
“I just called you guys Noodle and Bully!
They made me day drink because I miss you and I was sad. You were supposed to be here tonight, but I called the train people and they said not tonight and I saidfuck you train people! Get my girl here now! But they can’t. They’re mean and I hate them.
I’m hungry? I should have eaten lunch, but they didn’t want to and now there’s whiskey and I still miss you.
But I’m here. I will be there. At Penis Station… Wait.”
(laughter)
“AtPennStation.You’remy Penis Station.
We are hashtag Breddie. Or hashtag Erdie. Or…Birdward?
(loud sigh)
“I miss you. You’re my filthy valentine and I hope you get here and I hope you’re safe and I’m gonna kiss you on all the places when you get here.
Okay, call me. Bye.”
