Page 71 of A Very Friendly Valentine's Day
The One with a Bunch of Texts from the Burner Phones
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: Hi! I’m writing a book on the most important dates in American history. Ours will be the final chapter.
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: I’m so happy I finally get to use that hilarious pickup line!
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: Also, here are some sexy words: fuck, cock, pussy, clit, bang, jizz, testicles, nipples, tits, vulva, honey pot, shaft, tumescence, rimming, pile driving, beaver, muff, Cumberbatch.
YOUR SECRET VALENTINE: You forgot Venus’s court, tinderbox, flapdoodle, bumfiddle and cunny-hole.
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: Hot, wet nether lips.
YOUR SECRET VALENTINE: Fuck, babe. Fuck. Oh my Godddd. Fuuuuuuuck.
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: Wow. You’re really good at this. And it really is easier for me to do this on the burner phone for some reason. For now, anyway. Thank you. I think you know me better than anyone else too. Better than I know myself sometimes, maybe.
YOUR SECRET VALENTINE: I look forward to getting to know you even better. Inside and out.
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: Front to back!
YOUR SECRET VALENTINE: Go on…
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: Wait. Nope! Never mind.
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: What I really want to tell you is this…
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: I thought about you while touching myself too. After the froner-y nipple slip incident. I mean, the friendly bonerific tits-outscapade.
YOUR SECRET VALENTINE: The platonic boobtastic half-mast-fest.
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: You know the one.
YOUR SECRET VALENTINE: Look at you, breaking all the rules.
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: Guidelines.
YOUR SECRET VALENTINE: Whatever. It’s hawt. Keep talking.
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: Yes sir, Mr. Secret Valentine.
YOUR SECRET VALENTINE: Yes. More of that.
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: And I may have also accidentally thought about you while touching myself prior to that too…
YOUR SECRET VALENTINE: Let me know when you’ve figured it out.
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: Okay, I definitely did. But you made unscheduled appearances. It was really annoying.
YOUR SECRET VALENTINE: Oh yeah? Did you pleasure yourself in an angry way when I made those unscheduled appearances?
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: Affirmative.
YOUR SECRET VALENTINE: Attagirl.
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: And I want you to know that I did notice you around campus before that first day in American Lit. I was just better at hiding it than most women are.
YOUR SECRET VALENTINE: Interesting. Continue.
YOUR FILTHY VALENTINE: I noticed your butt first. I mean, first I noticed your butt. Because you were walking in front of me. And then I noticed the back of your neck. Which is very pleasant. And then I heard your voice because you were talking on the phone. And I don’t have to tell you how very agreeable your voice is.
