Page 38 of A Very Friendly Valentine's Day
The guy who looks like the guy fromThe Princess Brideif that guy had lactose intolerance and a stick up his ass.
“This is Rupert Norton the Third!”
Christ. There’s three of him.
“He’s a baron.” She’s so much more animated than usual, which concerns me. “So, his full title is Lord Rupert Norton the Third—of Norton in the County of Northhamptonshire. Did I get that right?”
“You certainly did, but please just call me Rupert Norton. Hello.” He holds out his hand with long thin fingers, and I shake it. Because I am not a dick.
“Cheers. Edward Sullivan Cannavale the First. Of Youngstown.”
“How do you do? We’ve crossed paths before, I believe.”
“Yes. I believe we were at uni together. Oxford, right?”
“I did go to Oxford. Sorry—did you really?”
“No—didyoureally?”
Birdie clears her throat. “Yes, Eddie, he went to Oxford. He’s the author of a bestselling book about contemporary British pop culture, and he has a very popular podcast calledThat’s Brilliant! With Rupert Norton. He’s giving one of the talks at the TEDx I’m going to!”
Stay tuned for my podcast: That’s Bullshit and It Is So Not Happening with Rupert Norton.
“I was hoping to tell you, actually, I think there was a small misunderstanding yesterday evening in the corridor. When I said what I said as you passed by, I was speaking to my mate on the phone. I wasn’t addressingyou.”
“Oh. Cool. No worries.”
“I was a bit worried, so I’m glad I had the chance to clear things up.” He turns his attention back to Birdie. “So, this is thefriendyou were talking about?”
I do not like the way he said that word.
“Yes, this is myfriendEddie who was so sweet to accompany me on this trip, even though he already had a plane ticket to see his girlfriend—because he wanted to protect me from serial killers.”
I definitely do not like the way she said that word and I also do not like the way Rupert is giving me a knowing look.
You don’t know, Rupert. You don’t know anything.
“You’re on a children’s television series, Birdie tells me?”
Fuck you, Rupert.
“It’s a high school drama–End Zone.We won a Golden Globe award for best new show. I was actually just signing some autographs for fans on my way over here.”
“How lovely for you. I really should try to watch more American television. I’m sure it’s not quite as bad as people say.”
“Well, it’s a little sexier than what you’re used to across the pond, I’m sure.”
“I live in LA most of the time now, actually.”
I do not like the sound of that.
“Did you sleep well?” Birdie asks me, forcing a smile and changing the subject.
“Very well. Didyou?”
“Very well.” She blushes and looks away, waving at the server to come over.
I order breakfast and coffee, and Rupert Norton the Turd asks for more hot water for his tea. Oh, look at that. He brought his own tea bags for a proper cuppa. How fucking quaint.
