Page 18 of A Very Friendly Valentine's Day
The One with Two Annoying Cannavale Calls
I’ve got about an hour before they call me to set for the first shirtless scene of the day and all I want to do is stick my head in a bowl of spaghetti Bolognese. Instead, I’m in my trailer, doing push-ups and lateral raises, taking careful bites of peanut butter rice cakes and sipping red wine—for glycogen reasons. It’s a fucking slow-motion no-dialogue scene, so all I have to do is look like an angsty, dreamy, shredded quarterback.
I’m not saying my talents are being wasted on a CW high school drama—becauseEnd Zoneis a good show—and looking angsty and dreamy and shredded are three of my many talents. But I did rock the house as Stanley Kowalski inA Streetcar Named Desireat UCLA. And I only had to take my shirt off once. Okay, so I was wearing a very tight, ripped tank top the rest of the time—but I also yelled out “Hey, STELLAAAAAA!” with more lovesick anguish than Marlon Brando, according to one reviewer who may or may not have been obsessed with me. Plus, I used to do Shakespeare monologues for auditions and never took my shirt off at all for those. So yeah, it would be nice if the writers would let me flex myactingmuscles a little more than my actual muscles occasionally.
I should probably insist on doing a respectable stage play during the show’s hiatus, but my agents are always pushing to get me on a movie. And yet, I’ll never get a decent movie role unless casting directors see me doing something interesting, with more depth. It’s the hot actor’s conundrum and I get a headache just thinking about it.
So, I will take my mind off of it by calling my older brother Declan. He won’t answer while he’s at work, but I still haven’t told him about my New York trip. I’m sure he’ll be pleased to know that I’m finally meeting Alana in person. Or possibly be a total dick about it—I never know with him.
To my surprise, he picks up on the second ring. “What?”
“Hey—your ma know you answer your phone like that?”
“Your ma know you’re bothering your very important lawyer brother at the office?”
“I called your personal phone.”
“I’m busy.”
“Then send me to voicemail.”
“Will you just tell me why you’re calling, or I’m hanging up.”
“Jesus. I’ll be in New York for a few days, middle of February.”
“Oh, good!”
“Can we have lunch or something?”
“Yeah. I’ll reschedule whatever I’ve got going on. As long as you aren’t talking about Valentine’s Day. But I’m sure Maddie would love to see you.”
“And youknowI’d be happy to seeher.”
“Watch it.”
“And obviously, I’m not talking about Valentine’s Day. Trust me—I’ve got plans for that day that do not involve any family members. You can meet my girlfriend.”
“Who, Birdie?”
“Why are you so obsessed with Birdie?”
“The girl you’re always talking about, you mean?”
“I talk about her because she’s one of my best friends. Haven’t you ever had any female friends? Don’t bother answering that—I forgot who I was talking to. It’s not a thing. Trust me. Anyway, that’s not who I’m talking about right now. I’m talking about Alana.”
“Right. The one you haven’t met yet.”
“Can wenothave this discussion again?”
“Explain to me how Alana qualifies as a girlfriend.”
“She’s just my girl, you know? I never said it was serious yet. We check in on each other every day and always like and comment on each other’s posts. It’s fun and it’s not complicated—I can literally hear you shaking your head and rolling your eyes, asshole.”
“Yes,I’mthe asshole. Not the douchebag who thinks the mutual liking of each other’s social media posts counts as a relationship.”
“Says the asshole who lied to his entire family about dating his assistant.”
“Hey—that wasn’t a lie. It just wasn’t true yet.”
