Page 47 of A Very Bossy Christmas
Maddie asks me to take a picture of them—to send to her niece—and I do it because I’m an awesome fake boyfriend who isn’t at all jealous of the fact that she hasn’t asked for a picture ofmeto send to Piper. Then, when I hand her phone back to her, she holds it out to Eddie and asks him to take a picture of us so she can send it to Piper. She wraps her arms around my waist, and I put mine around her shoulders, and I don’t ever want to let go.
My ma comes out of the kitchen with two cans of Guinness for me and Eddie. “Drink fast, and don’t let your nonna see you with this.”
I raise my Guinness to Eddie and try my brogue on Maddie again. “May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.” I glance over and catch Maddie’s eyelashes flutter.
Because Eddie’s a hot shot actor, he raises his pint of the black stuff to Maddie and Ma and says in his comparatively mediocre brogue, “May you have all the happiness and luck that life can hold, and at the end of your rainbows, may you find a pot of gold.”
Fuck you, Eddie.
“Deadly,” Maddie sighs, fanning herself. But she’s just being polite to my brother.
My ma winks at me. Then she takes Maddie by the arm. “Come, my dear. It’s time to feed you to the Italian wolf. You want a pop?”
Maddie glances back at me, confused.
“A soda,” I translate for her.
“Oh. Sure. Thanks, Mamie. Whatever you’re having.”
“Well, I’ve been sipping Jameson from a flask, but I can mix it with a Coke if you want an Irish cola.”
“That sounds perfect.” They wink at each other conspiratorially.
My brother and I both watch Maddie go.
Eddie swallows a big gulp of stout, sighs loudly, and proclaims, “She’s hot.”
I smack the back of his head while still guzzling my contraband Irish beer.
“What? She is.”
“I know that. So where’syourgirlfriend?”
“She’s in LA, actually. With her family.”
“Oh yeah? Is it that friend of yours? From college?”
“Who—Birdie?” He forces a laugh. “Nerdy Birdie? No. She only dates other nerds. She’s a nerd snob. And so not my type.”
“You sure about that? Because your voice always changes when you talk about her.”
“You know what—remind me never to hire you as my lawyer because you’re not as good at reading people as you think you are. My newgirlfriend’sname is Alana. She lives in New York.” He grins. “She’s a model. So hot.”
I roll my eyes. “That sounds promising.”
“She’s not like the other ones—this one’s really cool. I mean, not cool but smart. Not smart like Birdie, but she’s not dumb.”
“Uh-huh. You bringing her to the wedding?”
“Nah. She goes to the Bahamas every year for New Year’s with her friends. We’re both just busy with work.”
“Right. She lives in New York. And you live in LA and you’re always working in Vancouver.”
He lowers his voice and turns his back to the kitchen so the rest of our family can’t hear him. “I haven’t actually met her in person yet.”
“I knew it.”
“She slid into my DMs on Instagram, and we’ve been texting and FaceTiming.” He waggles his eyebrows, so I know he means he’s seen her naked. “For over a month now.”
