Page 75 of The Plus Ones
Roxy holds her board up and says to Aimee and Bernie, “He’s mine. Loki is mine.”
“Three points for Loki, and one more point for Keaton and Roxy. My goodness,” the manager says.
Roxy gives me a little smirk as she erasesLoki+ Roxy = TLFfrom the board.
Fuck you, Loki. Roxy is mine.
“Next question! To the men… Which actress would your lady cast as herself in the romantic comedy movie of your relationship?”
We all laugh because that is a stellar question, but Roxy doesn’t break eye contact with me while she writes down her answer. It’s almost as if she’s hoping I’ll get this one right.
Matt stares at his wife while he slowly answers, “I would cast Zooey Deschanel or Emma Stone, but I think Bernie would cast…Lucille Ball.”
Bernie’s face erupts in a smile as she flips her board around to reveal that she wroteLucy!!!
Chase correctly answers that Aimee would want Jennifer Garner to play herself, and I would definitely watch that movie.
I’m not a mind reader, but I am an excellent poker player and a good dealmaker, so I can figure out how people’s minds work in certain situations. In this one, Roxy wants me to keep this winning streak going, so it’s not about who she’d really cast as herself—she’s trying to make this easy for me. And she likes to think we’re so different from each other. And that she’s a wise-cracking hooker with a heart of gold.
“Julia Roberts,” I say.
She looks relieved as she confirms that I am indeed a genius who understands her.
“What do you know, folks! Another point for Keaton and Roxy’s team. Moving on! Final question for this group… What does your woman have an irrational fear of? A, spiders? B, being stuck in an elevator with your mother? C, intimacy? D, fill in the blank.”
The music plays, and I watch Roxy put some thought into this one.
“Mr. Matt McGovern! What does your lovely wife have an irrational fear of?”
Matt scratches his chin while staring at his lovely wife. “Well, she used to have a fear of intimacyanda fear of flu shots, but now I think it’s safe to say she only has an irrational fear of flu shots.”
Bernie flips her board around, and they get another point. “It’s only irrational until somebody dies,” she says, frowning and polishing off her glass of wine.
Chase and Aimee have been laughing ever since the guy asked the question, because everyone who knows Aimee knows that she has an irrational fear of a zombie apocalypse.
“It’s only irrational until somebody dies and then comes back to life and wants to eat your brain,” Aimee says.
“It’s irrational because I would never let that happen,” Chase assures everyone.
“Mr. Keaton. Share with us your guess for Roxy’s irrational fear.”
Roxy tries to keep her expression as neutral as possible while I study her. Up until yesterday, I would not have hesitated to say she fears intimacy, and neither would she. But right now… “I think she has an irrational fear of subway grates.”
Roxy’s jaw drops, and then her eyes well up with tears. “How did you know that?” she says, barely loud enough for me to hear.
“I’ve noticed you always walk around them,” I tell her, like it’s no big deal. But it obviously is a big deal to her. And to Aimee and Bernie, who are both looking at me with wet eyes and pouty lips.
I am seriously considering going back to acting like a self-centered asshole, because this is not the kind of female attention that I’m comfortable with.
“One bighow did he know thatpoint for Team Keaton and Roxy! Now if the next group would come up please, and let’s have a round of applause for this one!” He plays an applause sound effect on his phone. This guy.
When we walk over to take a seat on a sofa, Roxy says quietly, shaking her head. “I am so confused right now.”
“About?”
She turns to face me. “I can’t tell if you’re trying to fuck with me or if you…”
“If I what?”
