Page 24 of The Plus Ones
“Sorry, buddy,” she says as if she understood him. “I’m not allowed to have dogs in my building, so I’m afraid you’re stuck with this guy.”
“I’m a good dog dad,” I say a little too defensively. “He just doesn’t like me yet.”
She stands up again. “How long have you had him?”
“Couple of years. We gotta go. I’ll be in touch. What color’s your bikini? We should coordinate.”
She flips me the bird as she heads back inside.
“Right. Surprise me. I’ll bring shorts in all the colors.” I tug on Jackpot’s leash and start to walk away before I get too caught up thinking about what that woman looks like in a bikini. “Come on, boy.”
“Go home, Jackpot!” Roxy orders, staring at my dog and pointing at me.
Jackpot whines, but he obeys her. I don’t look back because I don’t need to see the smug look on her pretty face. I expect to get an eyeful of that look and everything else for one week straight.
I also don’t look back because I can’t stop smiling and she does not need to know that.
4
Keaton
Today’s the day.
I feel like I’m getting ready to go to summer camp to see my friends, except instead of sharing a cabin in the woods with a bunch of farting adolescent boys, I’ll be in a cottage on an island in the West Indies with a blazing hot woman who despises me. And instead of saying good-bye to my parents (one of whom might actually miss me), I’m saying good-bye to a dog whom I know for a fact will not miss me.
I know this because I’m trying to say a heartfelt good-bye to him before going to the office for a meeting, but he’s way too busy saying “hi” to the owners of the dog hotel to notice.
“Okay, bye, buddy.” I rub his back, and he barks happily at the nice lady who’s now holding his leash. I tell her I’ll check in with them tonight, I ask her to send pics and videos, I say good-bye to Jackpot one more time just in case he didn’t hear me the first couple of times, and then leave before I really embarrass myself.
Manny is double-parked outside, and just as I’m getting into the car, I get a call from Chase.
“Hey. Shouldn’t you be on a plane right now?”
“We’ll be boarding soon. Just calling to remind you that if you fuck around with my wife’s best friend, I will castrate you.”
“That is so sweet of you to remind me. Define fucking around.” I signal to Manny that he can drive.
“Any kind of penetration of any part of her body with any of your body parts. Including the metaphorical penetration of her heart.”
“I can’t help it if people fall madly in love with me when I’m not even trying to be charming. Define castration.”
“The slow and painful removal of your testicles.”
“You’re so literal. Does Aimee know you’re making this call?”
“I mean it. I’ve seen the way you check her out.”
“How does Aimee feel about it? Because I bet she’d be thrilled if we got together.”
“In what world are you and Roxy going to get together? I’m saying don’t hook up with her, don’t be a dick to her, don’t be too nice to her, don’t forget that you’re just pretending to be her boyfriend for the sake of the hotel staff and the other guests, and you are in no way obligated or allowed to pretend to be her anything when you’re in the room alone together.”
“I’m not ‘allowed?’ Put Aimee on.”
“Trust me, if you fuck with Roxy, you will be begging me to protect you from Aimee.”
“Did it ever occur to you that Roxy mightwantme to penetrate one or more of her parts?”
He’s quiet for a moment, and I know he’s squeezing his phone, and I think I can hear the steam shooting out of his ears.
