Page 19 of The Plus Ones
* Early February *
“Just go. Come on. I’m begging you. I appreciate that you have your principles and you know what you want and what you don’t want. But there is no ideal situation that I can create for you right now that will make you happy. However, I know for a fact that both of us will feel better about literally everything if you just go.”
All of New York is covered in gray snow and slush, and my dog refuses to take a dump outside unless the ground is solid, perfectly level, and above sixty-five degrees Fahrenheit. All winter I’ve kept the floors in his room covered with pee pads. All winter he’s been relieving himself on the floors of my two-million-dollar townhouse and then getting cabin fever because he refuses to go for walks with me. I put waterproof dog boots on him. He’s wearing a doggy coat. I’ve tried to coax him with treats. I’ve got my biodegradable poop bag ready to go. All around us, dogs are defecating and their owners are getting on with their Sunday, but my dog—my adorable furry demon child—is refusing to squat, move, or acknowledge my existence.
I am internationally renowned for being a skilled negotiator when it comes to business deals of all kinds. I once literally charmed the socks off my opponent in a tennis match back in high school. There is only one woman on earth I haven’t been able to convince to go out with me, and she is now the mother of my best friend’s child, so I’m fine with that. But there is literally nothing I can say or do to convince this canine to shit in the snow.
I am so fucking ready for this winter to be over. The only trips I’ve taken in the past couple of months have been to Chicago, Seattle, and Toronto. I haven’t seen the sun in weeks. I can’t even remember the last time I socialized with anyone unless it was a dinner meeting. The gang cancelled our monthly brunch because they all have so much to do before going on their little couples getaway next week, so after I get home and dry Jackpot off—if he’ll let me—I plan to look into a last-minute weekend getaway to some tropical island. By myself. Because why the fuck not. There’s no shame in it. Maybe I’ll go to one of those resorts for singles only. They still have those, right?
“Right, buddy?” I say to the dog who’s supposed to be my buddy. He looks straight ahead at nothing in particular. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, pull it out, and see that it’s Vince Devlin calling. Probably to ask me to do him some kind of favor so he can get out of town next week with his wife. Not like I’ve got anything better to do.
“Mr. Devlin.”
“Hey man, you got a minute?”
I look down at Jackpot, who is standing perfectly still, like no dog ever. “Yeah. What’s up?”
“Just wondering what you got planned for next week and if you can take a few days off from work.”
“Why?”
“Turns out Nina and I won’t be able to go to that resort in Antigua…What?...I’m talking to him now…Nina says ‘hey.’”
“Hey, Nina.”
“Are you flirting with my wife?”
“Nope. You were saying?”
“Nina’s parents were gonna fly in to stay with Joni because my dad and stepmom are on a cruise and my brother’s looking after Charlie and they both have the flu. Anyway, her dad just threw his back out. He can’t move, so Nina’s mom has to stay with him. Now we’re all just gonna go to Indiana to be with my in-laws for a week.”
“Yeesh.”
“Yeah. I mean, they’re nice. It’s fine. So do you want our reservation? You got some girl you can take?”
I am shocked—shocked—by the first girl who comes to mind when he asks me this. “Yeah. Definitely.”
“Yeah?”
“Definitely. Send me the info, I’ll Venmo the money.”
“No rush.”
“I will Venmo the money immediately.”
“Okay, cool. Glad this worked out for you.”
“I mean, I’m not glad your father-in-law threw his back out, but thanks for calling me.”
“Course. Who’s the girl?”
“I’ll let you know.” I end the call and consider my options.
I perused the resort’s website last month out of curiosity. They are strictly a couples-only establishment, but it’s not like you have to be married. They just don’t cater to single guests. I could easily convince one of the women I’ve dated over the past few years to accompany me. What am I saying? I wouldn’thaveto convince any of them. All I’d have to do is ask. Problem is—I wasn’t even interested in asking any of them out for a second date. Do I really want to deal with introducing one of them to my best friends and hope that they all get along?
Or…
Do I want to try to convince the one woman who I know gets along with my best friends that it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to have to share a cottage with me in paradise and pretend to like me in front of the hotel staff for one week?
