Page 94 of Come Back to Bed
“Yes and no. I mean, yes, but it’s not how it sounds. I don’t…I don’t feel the same way about him. The way I used to.”
I do like the sound of that.
“Do you feel the same way about Vanessa? The way you used to?”
“No. I don’t.”
“Good.”
For a second, it feels like this is going to turn into an actual conversation. The kind that people have when they’re in a relationship. She rubs Daisy’s head one last time before standing up.
I have to ask: “I thought you were going to get back to your own painting career.”
“I was. I am, but—”
“But you’re actually considering moving to Hudson Valley with Sebastian Smith?”
“I can’tnotconsider it, Matt. I’ve worked for him for years. He asked me to move there with him, so I’m going to consider it. That’s all. If I don’t move with him I’ll be unemployed a lot sooner than I thought I would be. And I can’t just quit until I help him find and train my replacement. That’s what I was planning to do, but now I’d have to do it sooner. I have a lot to think about.”
I feel myself shutting down, just as quickly as she is. I’m having a flashback to all the conversations with Vanessa that led to me moving out. “Yeah. I get it. You need your space.”
“Yeah. That’s me.” She shakes her head. “I need my space. Like I said, I expect I’ve got a lot to do for work. I’ll have to reschedule his whole summer and organize…a lot. So…if I don’t see you before—good luck with the move. I’m going to go cry in the shower now.”
I can see her swallowing a lump in her throat. She makes a sad little chipmunk sound as she heads for the door.
I hate that I’m about to ask this, too: “Do you want your painting back?”
She spins back to face me. She’s not sad anymore—she’s angry. “What? I gave that to you. I made a deliberate choice to let you have it. Are you telling me you don’t want it anymore?”
“I still want it.”
“Good. Then you better keep it.”
“I will.”
She calms down and covers her face. “What’s happening?”
I can’t stand this. I go over and put my arms around her. All I can say is: “Don’t go.” I don’t want her to go now. I don’t want her to go to Hudson Valley on the weekend. I don’t want her to move to Hudson Valley.
The phone in her pocket vibrates.
Of course it does.
She pulls away and reaches for it, shaking her head.
I can see that it’s Sebastian calling.
Of course it is.
“I have to take this. I’m sorry.” She answers the phone as she walks out.
And we’re back to that. Sebastian’s calling—end of discussion. It’s her job, I get it. But I would have let an after-hours call go to voicemail for her. I would have done so much for her, it scares me.
I can’t believe I was about to leave her a note asking her to move to Brooklyn with us. It was a crazy idea. Seeing Vanessa just made me realize how much I prefer being with Bernadette, but that doesn’t mean either of us are really ready to move in together. Does it? I just didn’t think that my moving would mean that we were done doing whatever it is that we’ve been doing.
She did tell me that she’d never fall for me, right from the start. She did say that if someone makes a decision that they should stick with it, and I guess she really meant it. I should have asked her if those clear boundaries were also geographical and limited her to engaging in intimate acts within this particular borough.
I can’t even do what I’d normally do to blow off steam right now—blast classic rock while blasting my abs and arms in the comfort of my own home and then try to soothe my dog by singing to her. Because I don’t want Bernadette to hear any of it. I don’t want to go to my old gym, because I don’t want to risk running into Vanessa. City of eight and a half million people, and I’m only trying to avoid two of them, but it means I have to go back to the office to work out.
