Page 48 of Hello Darling
14
Stella
Production has begun onCover-up, or as it’s more commonly referred to: “That Evan Hunter movie.” He refers to the very long list of things he has to do for this film simply as: “work.” I think of it as: “That thing that Evan does when he’s not doing me.”
Much of the population of Main Street has gotten wind of Evan spending time at our gym with his trainer, and suddenly we’re getting so many new members and sign-ups for the Get Fit Stay Fit holiday challenge. Still, people are polite and cool when they do see him and true to form for this wonderful town, things haven’t gotten too crowded or crazy. So far, it’s a win for the Starkey family, although I’m well aware that I’m secretly the big winner in this scenario.
People have started coming in from out of town, just to get a glimpse of Evan Hunter and take pictures of him, sometimes with him. When he’s on set, there is always at least one policeman standing guard on one side of the barricades, keeping the peace. Seems a bit much to me, since there’s something about Port Gladstone that mellows people out, but apparently there is a rather large production assistant stationed outside his trailer whenever he’s in it, because one or two feverish young ladies have attempted to sneak inside and throw themselves at him.
Poor girls. I get it. I didn’t, but boy do I ever now. And they have no idea just how yummy he really is.
The one time I dared to leave the gym with him one morning before he left for the set, a group of middle-aged women who were walking out of the bookstore across the street saw him, almost got run over when they jaywalked without checking for traffic, handed their phones to me to take pictures of them with him and literally didn’t even see my face. One of them used to be friends with my mother, but I didn’t say anything. I want to keep this fling a secret and stay inside the bubble for as long as possible.
Every day, I go home to Amazon deliveries from him—that way he doesn’t have to give out his information to the local florist or have his assistant handle anything. He sends bouquets of flowers, he’s sent a cat bed, toy mice and catnip for Muffin Top, as well as seven very nice pairs of panties to replace the ones he’s shamelessly and magnificently destroyed. Whenever companies send him gifts care of the production office, he attempts to re-gift them to me and my brothers. Billy is the ecstatic recipient of several types of men’s grooming products, designer clothing and canisters of whey protein, while Keaton has graciously accepted a cashmere scarf and one pork pie hat that wouldn’t look good on anyone. I agreed to take the scented candles, which I plan to re-re-gift to Mona, and jars of local honey and a crate of Evian water, which I donated to the food bank. Being a beloved movie star certainly has its privileges, and it doesn’t hurt to be friends with one either.
Today, the Starkey Fitness letter board says:“Actually that’s my secret—I can’t even talk about you to anybody because I don’t want anymore people to know how wonderful you are.”
The one person I know who’d recognize the quote fromTender is the Nighthasn’t been in today, and even though I saw him for a wildly entertaining hour last night, I find myself missing him. When Keaton gets back from his break, I walk the long way to the deli for lunch so I can pass by the “video village” that is set up on a side street today.
I spy several groups of women, mostly younger than I am, squealing and holding their fingers up in heart shapes at someone, and that’s how I know Evan Hunter is near. Seriously, though, don’t those girls have jobs or classes or something? I catch sight of Evan smiling and making a hand heart gesture back at them, but when he sees me from about thirty feet away, his smile gets even bigger. He pulls out his phone, takes a seat in his folding chair under the canopy, answers someone’s question, and three seconds later I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket.
Randy BritishActor sent me a heart emoji.
It’s not raining, so I decide to lean against a storefront and text him back.
Me: How's your day?
Randy: Appalling. so far not one second of it has been spent with you on my face.
Me: Sad. Hope that's a concern that the Screen Actor's Guild can tackle on your behalf.
Randy: Funny. Concerned you'll lose all sense of humor when i'm tackling your bottom half later.
Me: Please don't worry. Not much can stop my wise cracks. Not even your tongue in my crack.
Randy: Hold that dirty thought you saucy vixen. Time for me to do a very serious scene with a brilliant Emmy winner who's playing retired cop.
Randy: Some tech nerd can just erase my massive erection in post-production
Randy: I know this because I had one all through the BBC series I did with Sir Ken Branagh. Guy made me harder than an Oscar statue. I look forward to filling you in about such movie magic later.
Me: I look forward to being filled in by you…
“I saw him at Safeway buying organic kale at night.” Mrs. Flauvich is practically levitating as she passes me my sandwich. “It’s a good thing I’ve already had kids, because my ovaries exploded.”
I can’t stop myself. “Did you talk to him?”
“Oh god no. I just stood there, squeezing avocados and looking at him out of the corner of my eye and then he got a phone call and walked away. He was all smiles, all of a sudden. It was probably that actress.”
It was me.
“I don’t think she’s in town yet,” I say, pretending to be totally clueless and vaguely uninterested. “Is she?”
“Well. Whoever it was, he was very happy.”
It was me!
He was buying food to cook a late dinner for us. I reminded him to buy condoms, because I just wanted to hear him say the word “condoms,” because I love how he says “condoms,” like con-domes. He makes them sound so respectable and important. And he quietly told me that he can’t just buy the sort of colossal con-domes he uses from a supermarket because he has them custom-made by dirty randy craftsmen in Cocklandia so they can withstand long vigorous sessions of fanny-pounding. He then double-checked to make sure I knew that to Brits, the “fanny” is in the front, not the back. I didn’t know that, and was relieved to hear this.
