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22
Gemma
It had been a little over a year since the time I’d returned to the Burbank airport from Cleveland, newly-single with the quaint notion that I could convince myself to fall out of love with my best friend whom I was secretly married to, after finding out that my boyfriend had been cheating on me for years. I thought that things were so complicated back then, that my suppressed unrequited love was the worst thing I’d have to deal with. Like returning home to my handsome shirtless BFF was so terrible! Now, I didn’t even have a real L.A. home to return to.
I was emotionally depleted after finally having it out with Andrew the morning after Theo left, and my parents were dealing with Andrew’s parents’ ire about not being informed about the green card marriage while I was dating their perfect son. I was so mad that I almost picked up the phone to call them and tell them exactly what their perfect son had been up to while we were dating, but—boundaries. I needed to have them, and I didn’t need to complicate matters worse by messing things up between Andrew and his parents, them and my parents, and me and his parents, and me and my parents…I needed to face the music with Theo, and it was going to be a sad song. Not the snappy jazzy kind about how to make two lovers of friends—the kind you use as a ringtone—but the bluesy kind about how love ruins everything, the kind they play in dive bars at closing time when you don’t have to go home, you just have to settle up your tab and get your brokenhearted loser ass out of there.
We hadn’t texted each other since he left my parents’ house, I hadn’t told Chloe anything about what was going on, just let her know I’d be staying in their guest room again. My eyes were so swollen from crying, the flight attendant kept asking me if I was okay and finally I told her it was allergies. When she offered me a Claritin, I took it. It wasn’t a pot brownie, but the drowsiness that set in felt somewhat better than the anxious exhaustion I had been feeling.
I had never been so sad to set foot on Southern California ground. I loved Chloe and Ethan and was actually looking forward to talking to Chloe about everything, but I wanted Theo. I wanted my friend, and I didn’t know if that person even existed anymore. I truly believed that the only way we could find our way back to what we had when we first met was to totally wipe the slate clean. For real.
I knew it didn’t seem like it to him, and it didn’t feel good for me, but I was doing it for Theo. Being with me in that way just wasn’t good for him. I didn’t understand why he had gotten so jealous any more than he understood it, but it was exhausting him and it was distracting him from his work. That wasn’t who he wanted to be. It wasn’t what I wanted for him. And I was a mess. I didn’t want him to want me like this.
That’s when I saw him. Standing there, stiff and firmly planted in the middle of the small waiting area. He wasn’t on the phone, he wasn’t grinning or smirking or smiling in any way. He looked so tired and serious, but still so handsome that I felt myself crumbling inside. He was wearing the olive green bomber jacket, the one that I loved. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to win me over or piss me off by wearing it, but as so often was the case in the past year, he was doing both.
I stopped a few feet from him and stared at the large envelope in his hands.
“I filled out the dissolution of marriage forms. Uncontested. I’ll let you file the petition. There’s a six-month waiting period before it’s finalized once it’s filed with the courts.”
He held the envelope up. I couldn’t look at him. I just kept staring at it. Inside that envelope were the papers that I had once thought would set me free.
“I know I messed this up. I’m sorry. I don’t regret punching Andrew. I just wish it hadn’t happened in the way that it did. I don’t want to be the guy who messes things up. I want to be the guy who gives you everything you deserve. I need you to understand that this is the last thing that I want, but if it’s what you think you deserve—if what you need is space, away from me, then I want you to have that. Have experiences. Have sex with other guys. I mean, I really don’t want you to do that, but if you feel you have to…”
I took the envelope from him and stared down at it. “I can’t believe you didn’t send me a baby animal video first.”
“I only do that for bad news. I figured this would be good news for you.” His voice, his eyes, were cold. I shivered.
“Here.” I started to remove the ring from my finger, but he grabbed both of my hands to stop me, lowered his head. I let out a little cry.
“That’s yours. All three of them are yours. Do what you want with them,” he said.
Hot tears fell from my eyes. I dropped my hands and leaned into his chest.This chest. I could stay here forever if I let myself. Why can’t I let myself?
I pulled away and started to walk towards the exit, wiping my face with the back of my hand.
“You’re leaving?” His voice went cold again.
“I have to,” I croaked.
“That’s it? Seriously, Gemma?”
“Sorry I don’t have an elegant speech prepared, I guess I should know by now to expect you to show up when I don’t expect you to.”
He stopped following me. I looked back and saw him standing there, jaw tense, hands on hips, shaking his head.
“What? I’m tired. I’m gonna get a cab to Chloe’s.” He used to tease me about taking cabs instead of Ubers or Lyfts. It was one of the reasons he called me Grandma. I paused, waiting for some kind of joke, some sign that this wouldn’t be the end of everything.
He gestured for me to be on my way, said: “Don’t let me keep you,” then turned away from me.
It was happening. The thing I was most afraid of. I was losing my best friend. As always, he was giving me what I thought I wanted and I was the bad guy. I tried to summon my reliable old pals, irrational anger and unjustified resentment, but I was too tired for that. I was too sad, even for cheese and donuts.
I returned to Chloe and Ethan’s by cab, stood at their door for five minutes fumbling around my bag looking for my keys, before Ethan opened the door and asked: “Where’s Theo?”
I sobbed on their sofa for an hour before going to their guest room and sobbing in there until I finally fell asleep.
* * *
The envelope from Theo remained, unopened, in the side pocket of my suitcase.
