Page 58 of Green
14
Gemma
It was unbelievably difficult for me to say what I said to Theo, but once I’d finally said it out loud to him and gotten out of that house, I realized that it was so much easier than keeping my feelings a secret for such a long time. A weight had been lifted and I felt great, but I also had butterflies in my stomach. I loved them. Those lovesick stomach butterflies were finally free.
I realized my self-imposed exile was hard to understand on many levels. I knew how much I was going to miss having Theo as a best friend during this weird transitional phase, but I didn’t want to be the girl who Swiffers to Justin Bieber and offers to marry him while doing the dishes. I wanted to be the girl he drives to pick up for a date, who makes his palms sweaty when he sees me in a new dress, who says things like “you aren’t going to believe how hard I’m going to make you” and doesn’t run away screaming. I was hoping that girl would be able to handle him looking at me like he wanted to devour me. Because that was how he was looking at me in Palm Desert, and right before I fled from his house that night.
I was just starting to get a handle on the fact that I wanted to be devoured by him. And that I was afraid of it. And that I was just as afraid of losing myself in him as I was afraid of losing him.
But I was twenty-five, and he was hot and I was horny and what the hell, right? Soon I’d be too old to use my youth as an excuse for my mistakes, and I hadn’t made nearly enough mistakes yet. I was primed for making some really juicy ones.
I had left the wedding rings in their boxes in the drawer by my bed. I never wore them, but I liked having them near me. It already felt weird not being there. I loved Chloe and Ethan and really liked their new apartment, but after over a month of long workdays, what I really needed was to collapse into my own bed at home. This wasn’t home. Theo had been my home for years, Iknewthat. But as much as I had gotten used to living with my secret feelings for Theo—there definitely wasn’t enough room in that house for me, Theo, my newly-open feelings for him, his weird sudden onset of jealousy, his freaking beautiful bare chest, the memory of us making out on the sofa, the growing attraction between us, and my own sexual frustration. Los Angeles County may not have been big enough to house that last thing.
Three seconds after I got into bed, in Chloe and Ethan’s home office/guest room, I was greeted by a text from Theo.
Theo: I need to ask you something.
Oh God, now what?
Me: Proceed.
Theo: What exactly is it about The Departed that makes you horny?
Me: How do you know it makes me horny?
Theo: *raises eyebrow* Come on. Is it DiCaprio or Damon? Just tell me. One word.
Me: Sheen.
Me: It’s Martin Sheen and all that talking. I will never watch The West Wing in front of you, because it’s basically porn to me.
Theo: Liar.
Me: Fine. It’s everything. I don’t know what it is specifically. It’s the whole package.
Me: Okay, I lied. I just lied again.
Me: I’ll tell you what it really is about The Departed that makes me horny.
Theo: Proceed.
Me: Watching it with you. I watched it with Andrew once when I was visiting him and it just didn’t do it for me. It’s you. Watching all those violent filthy-mouthed Boston alpha males with you.
Theo: I really fucking wish you were here with me right now.
Theo: Naked.
Theo: Good night.
Me: xo
It was a miracle that I was able to sleep that night, and a testament to how exhausted I was, but I slept for ten hours straight. I had the next day off, and would have lost my mind being at Chloe and Ethan’s alone all day while they were at work, but I kept myself busy by rearranging the furniture in their living and dining rooms, and posting my progress on Instagram. That would have been rude and crazy, had they not asked me to.
I kept my phone on me all the time, constantly checking to see if I’d gotten a text from Theo and cursing myself for wanting so badly to hear from him now, after being so annoyed by all of his texts the week before.
It wasn’t until mid-afternoon when I got a message from him.
Theo: Is it okay for me to call you now?
