Page 16 of Green
“Because I didn’t see him enough after I moved here? Because I didn’t have enough long-distance sex with him?”
“It seemed to me like you had plenty of that—”
“Because I didn’t like to talk about our problems? Because I ignored our problems? Because I didn’t even admit that we had any problems? Because I just got used to having a long-distance boyfriend because it was so easy?”
He rested his hands on his hips and planted his feet on the floor, knowing that this was going to take a while and he was going to have to stand his ground. “Didn’t say that.”
“Are you saying I’m not good at relationships?”
“Nope.”
“You think I’m naive because it didn’t even occur to me that my long distance boyfriend would want to stick his dick in some strange when I wasn’t around—which was most of the time?”
“No—what?! No.” His expression told me was wondering when my body would start floating, head spinning and spewing pea soup vomit.
I myself had no idea who this demon was that was speaking through me all of a sudden, but I was powerless to stop it.
“Are you saying Ishouldfeel insecure about my attractiveness? That that’s probably why he cheated? Because I didn’t satisfy him? Because I didn’t give him enough blowjobs? Because I never let him do butt stuff? Because I got lazy and wore my pajamas to bed with him? Because I wouldn’t watch Japanese porn with him?”
“Yeah, let’s stop talking.”
“You think I married you because on some level I knew it would make it easier for me to get out of my relationship with him?”
“Gemma.”
“You think the reason Andrew didn’t ever once act jealous about you was because you gave him an excuse to not feel guilty about him fucking around?”
“Whoa.”
“Fuck you.”
“That was totally not what I was saying!”
“Fuck you anyway. Fuck all you guys! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckers!” I raised both my hands and flipped him the bird, while jumping up and down like a totally rational person who was doing an amazing job of handling her emotions.
He crossed his arms in front of his chest and did a terrible job of not laughing at me. “Sure. Do you want to calm down and let me finish what I was saying?”
“No I don’t! You probably think I almost kissed you because you’re such hot shit well guess what—you’re right it had nothing to do with you—I probably would have tried to make out with a tree if that’s what was standing in front of me so just get over yourself!”
“Really, a tree?”
“Yeah! Or a lamp post!”
“What about a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber?”
I tried desperately not to laugh at that, but it was a losing battle.Stop it. Stop making me laugh when all I want to do right now is hate you.
“No. I am not a Belieber.”
He had once walked in on me while I was Swiffering and singing and dancing around to theBabyvideo. He will never let me forget it. I mean, I’ve got two ears, a mouth and two legs—what am I supposed to do—notsing and dance around to that video when it comes on?
Reason Number Five Thousand and Eight why we must be Just Friends:He knows me too well. How could anyone who knows me so well want to make out with me?
“I still don’tbeliebeyou. Listen, if you want to pick a fight with me instead of the guy who cheated on you for years, like I said, I’m here for you. I can take it.”
Reason Number Infinity why we’ll always be Just Friends:He knows me better than I know myself. It’s never a fair fight.
“But what I was going to say is that you have every right to feel vulnerable, because what he did was shitty and I’m sorry it happened, but I’m glad you broke up with him instead of just forgiving him because he doesn’t deserve you and if you do get back together with him I’m not going to be the guy who lets you do that—I will continue to tell you that he doesn’t deserve you.”
