Page 86 of Rebound With Me
Nina
When Marnie came over,I literally had to crawl across the floor to buzz her in and unlock my door.
My plan for sorting through my feelings in a way that’s not overwhelming has not gotten off to a good start.
But at least I don’t have to force myself to feel something.
I don’t need a song to remind me how to feel. I don’t need alcohol to make me feel more or less. I’m feeling everything and nothing. I feel Vince in every pore of my body as much as I feel his absence.
Eyes closed, I feel Marnie take my hand and place something smooth and squishy into it. I don’t have to see to know that it’s a Capri Sun juice pouch. This may be the last time I smile, even a little bit, for the rest of my life.
“Sit up,” she says. “Drink up.”
I do. It’s my favorite flavor—tropical punch. A sweet reminder of what summer is supposed to taste like, instead of tears and self-loathing.
“Thank you,” I say meekly. “Can I make you some tea?”
“No. I brought back my shoulder to cry on. It didn’t get used at all the last time around.”
The last time around.“Oh God. This is my second break-up in two months.”
“Yer on a roll, kiddo.”
“I spent three years in a relationship with Russell and didn’t shed a tear when he dumped me. I spend just over a month with this guy and now that it’s over I feel like something has died inside. What’s wrong with me?”
“First of all there is nothing wrong with you, Sunshine. Secondly you didn’t cry for Russell because you knew exactly what you were going to get with him and you were relieved you didn’t have to keep getting that shit. It’s sad about Vince because you had a glimpse at how great it could be and you’re never going to see it come to fruition. And that sucks. It feels like you’re dying inside because your lady parts are never going to rub up against that beautiful man’s body or sweet mouth ever again.”
“Marnie!”
“Sorry.”
“Oh my God! It’s true. He told me he fell in love with me and I didn’t even respond. It was so unexpected! He must hate me.”
“No.”
“Yes. Whether he was into it with Sadie the other day or not I probably just drove him back to her.”
“No.”
“Yes. I hate me.”
“Honey. You were trying to protect yourself.”
“I’ve been trying to protect myself my whole life and the only time I’ve ever been really happy was when I stopped doing that.”
“It takes a lot of practice to get used to a change like that. It’s like learning to ride a bike without the training wheels. Maybe next time you’ll get the hang of it. Find that balance.”
That sends me into another humiliating fit of sobs. “I don’t want a next time with someone else.”
“It might not be with someone else.” She waits for me to stop hiccup-crying before continuing. “I mean, I’m no shrink. But it seems to me that you’re both pretty similar in really important ways.”
Sniff.“Sexually?”
“Well. Sure. But also emotionally. You both have abandonment issues.”
“What?! No we don’t. We aren’t needy. I mean, I’m not. He’s definitely not.”
“It goes the other way too. Emotional distance. Sound familiar?”
