Page 81 of Cocky Nerd
“You sound like you’re not madanymore.”
“I just want to say one thing, and then I’m going to makesoup.”
“Okay.”
I try to formulate the words in my head, so I get itright.
“Did you say ityet?”
“No. I just want to say that I don’t need to understandGisellewith my brain in order to dance thepart.”
“I’m sorry I saidthat.”
“But what I’m saying is—I think I know what you meant. I think I know what the story means. A part of us has to die before we can really fall in love. The person we fall in love with protects us and brings us back from the parts that are dead or broken, even if we can’t be together on the same plane of existence. Even if we’re different. That’s what makes love real. I hate that you understood that before I did. I hate that you can understand that, but you can’t understand me. But I don’t need you to understand me. I just want to be with you. I love you. I’m here for you. I’m going to make you soup. Don’t getup.”
He squeezes my hand and mumbles something. I only understand the words “swan” and “time.” He is delirious. He isasleep.
* * *
I amasleep in John’s bed when I wake up and realize that he’s sitting next to me, watching me. His eyes are clear. I reach up to touch his face. He is no longerfeverish.
“Damn, that soup reallyworks.”
Last night I made him sit up in bed and spoon-fed him Steph’s Sickie-poo Soup and then he went right back tosleep.
“I think something was leaving my system. I think it wasfear.”
“Or you weresick.”
“Don’t becynical.”
“Okay.”
He holds my hand. “I loveyou.”
Damn, that soup really reallyworks.
He holds my hand and strokes my arm. “I’ve been falling in love with you for most of my life, but I didn’t know it until two years ago when I saw you dance in Pittsburgh. I made a last-minute decision to go to Swan Lake. I didn’t tell anyone. I had a meeting with my parents, in Cleveland, I was supposed to return to Palo Alto that night, but I just…wanted to see you. But I didn’t know if you’d want to see me, so. That’s when I realized that I wanted to marry you. That’s when I realized how beautiful and important ballet is and how important it is for you to do it. It was an epiphany. I was going to go say ‘hi’ to you backstage, but Julian was there. I figured it just wasn’t the right time.Yet.”
Gasp.“The lavenderbouquet.”
He smiles, surprised that I remember. “Yes.”
Of course I remember. I thought about that lavender bouquet for a long time. I kept it until long after it had dried out and gathered dust. I had fantasies about the mystery man who left me that bouquet. “That was you?...Of course that was you. Todd, the guy who was at the backstage door that night, told me I had a handsome secret admirer. I had no idea who it could be. I kept hoping the guy would come back, or make himselfknown.”
He shrugs. “I’m the guy. Here Iam.”
I pull him down to me and kiss his beautiful face. “I’m your girl. Here Iam.”
