Page 72 of Cocky Nerd
John
Idon’t understand how thishappened.
I fucked it up.
I hadher and I fucked itup.
I can’t believeI left my bag out on top of thebed.
Things probably would have gotten fuckedup eventually anyway, but this all happened toofast.
In businesswe’re trained to embrace our failures as launchpads for future successes, but I’ve never really failed before. This fuckingsucks.
I leftthe Montgomery house in a daze, told everyone that “an emergency work situation” came up and I have to return to the Bay Area right away. I don’t know if anyone believed me. They probably heard us upstairs, but nobody tried to stop me fromleaving.
I checked back into a room at the hotel. I couldn’t just leave town without knowing how real this shit is. I haven’t heard from Olivia. I haven’t heard from Monty. I paced back and forth in this hotel room for about an hour and I’ve actually worn a path into thecarpet.
This fuckingsucks.
How do I turn thisaround?
Focus onwork.
Can I monetize this? Can I partner with that matchmaking service and tie it in with Brainy Biz? Personal marketing and matchmaking for nerds and geeks. Brainy Love. Brainy Hearts. BrainyFuck.
Fuck.
Nothing mattersif I’m not withOlivia.
* * *
I’m in bed.The blackout curtains are mostly closed but I see light shining through the edges. I check the clock. It’s eight-fifteen. I slept through the night. I didn’t eat dinner and I slept through thenight.
I grab my phone. No messages from Olivia. One text from Monty asking if I’m back in PaloAlto.
I may actually be coming down with something. Everything is fallingapart.
I wishI could talk to Nathan about his sister right now. I wish I could talk to anyone about Olivia right now. Mostly, I wish I could talk to Olivia, aboutanything.
If I say “I love you” for the first time in a text, email or on the phone, it will just make her mad. I may not know much, but I knowthat.
I start typing out a text on my phone.This all started two years ago inPittsburgh.
Delete. It started long before that. Long before I’d realizedit.
Who knows how long I’ve lovedyou.
Delete. I’m not going to start quoting early Beatles songs until I’ve completely run out of my own words, which may be in about threehours.
Can we startover?
I don’t want to start over.Delete.
What if we just have sex for the rest of our lives and never speakagain?
Is that what Iwant?
Maybe?
