Page 59 of Cocky Nerd
“John AnthonyBrandt.”
“My mother’s father’s name. Italian-American.”
“That’s where you get the dark hair?” She runs her hand over my chest hair. I feel iteverywhere.
“Yes.”
“And the fierytemper.”
“Haha.”
“Haha. What’s my middlename?”
“Your middle name is Tamsin, after your grandmother. It’s a diminutive ofThomasina.”
She smiles and kisses me sweetly and swirls the tip of her index finger around on mychest.
“Do you ever feellonely?”
And there it is. My trigger question, the one that usually sends me running for the exit. But not now. Because it’s Olivia, and because it doesn’t feel like a leading question. She actually wants toknow.
“You mean because I’m so much smarter than mostpeople?”
“Hah. No. That’s not what Imean.”
“I don’t get lonely because I’m always busy,” I say. “I’ve never felt isolated, because my thoughts always keep me company. That sounds cheesy and defensive when I say it outloud.”
“No. I’m sure that’strue.”
“I think that I would have felt very lonely growing up if it weren’t for yourfamily.”
“I’m glad we were there foryou.”
“Do you getlonely?”
She is unusually quiet for a few moments. I can see something shifting inside her. “I didn’t used to. I mean. A little bit when I first moved to Pittsburgh, and when I first moved to San Francisco. But I was so excited, it didn’t reallymatter.”
“And now?” My body tenses up, in anticipation of her answer, just as her body relaxes because she’s finally letting itout.
“Now I feel lonely because of you.” She isn’t being mean, or sardonic, or accusatory. She isn’t crying. It’s just an honest acknowledgment of something that she’s coming to termswith.
A thousand words flash across the monitor in my mind, so many things that I know I could say that would make her feel better in this moment. But I’m not going to sugarcoat it, and she knows it. “I’m sorry,” I say, tilting down to kiss the top of herhead.
She presses her face into my chest, not quite kissingit.
Hours later,I wake up and we’re still in the same position. Her cheek is flat against my chest, my arms are around her, my head is raised up on three pillows. My foot’s asleep and my neck is sore, but I won’t move until shedoes.
