Page 51 of Cocky Nerd
Olivia
After getting up to eat a ridiculously beautiful breakfast while reading the morning papers with John in the glamorous hotel restaurant, and then watching him flee out the door of our suite for “back-to-back meetings,” I have spent the entire day within the confines of this swanky Upper East Side hotel. Our gorgeous junior suite has two bathrooms, which pretty much demand serious bath time, and I spent ninety minutes in the fitnesscenter.
Normally when I’m in NYC I just want to get out and walk around, see the shows, check in with my friends from ballet school who moved here. But, when I looked at my phone this morning, I found texts from Julian. He follows me on Instagram, and had seen the picture I posted last night, of my barefootfouettéleap on the black and white stripe marbled floor of the hotel lobby. I had forgotten that my account has a location stamp on it, so he knows I’m in Manhattan and asked if I wanted to “meet up” while I’m here. Actually, he didn’t even ask if I wanted to, he wrote:I’m free to meet up, let me know yourschedule.
I didn’t reply right away.I wasn’t sure how much to tell him, or what I wanted to tell him. I certainly have no interest in seeing him now. Surely he gathered from my Instagram that I’m withJohn.
Or is it just obvious to everyone that this isn’t a realrelationship?
Isit a realrelationship?
I’m soconfused.
It’s difficult for my brain to catch up to my body, I suppose. In just a week, John Brandt has gone from Brother’s Annoying Friend That I Want To Punch, to Person I Can’t Imagine Living Without Despite Sometimes Wanting To Punch Him. My body has accepted it since it first felt his hungry mouth all over it, but the sassy black lady who lives inside my brain is all hand on her hip, wagging her finger at me: “Girl, you have got to pace yourself.” And then some calm, quiet inner voice reminds me that I have known Johnny for so much longer than aweek.
It’s like when I was trying to learnfouettéturns in ballet class a decade ago—I struggled with these repeatedpirhouettesforever it seemed, they eluded and terrified me and I hated doing them, but all of a sudden I nailed it and it became my favoritemove.
Is that the secret to dealing with him? Practice, practice,practice?
When we goton the plane in Shanghai, I saw the adorable newlywed couple who were seated in front of us, and wondered if that could ever be us, and immediately felt foolish thinking it, because John is such a rational, literal person and I knew that he would think I’m nuts if he had any idea it was even a passing thought after only a few days together. When I turned my attention to the sweet old couple across the aisle I got even grumpier, because I thought: John is the only guy I know that I’d want to grow old with. And then the sassy black lady in my brain was like: “Girl, you haven’t even gotten through a full month with this man—calm the fuck down!” And then I just got mad at John for complicating my life. It felt familiar and therefore comforting, so I just stuck with that until that impossible turd had to go and melt my heart with hisnote.
It doesn’t make a lot ofsense.
I should feel safe. I should let myself really fall in love with him. There is no non-relative man on earth that I know better than him. But I’m afraid ofit.
I’m afraid of it for the same reason I’m afraid of jogging or running for exercise—if I trip and injure myself, that’s it for my dancing career. At least if I get hurt while dancing, I go down in battle doing the thing that I’ve chosen to devote my lifeto.
Right now, being with John feels like running while drunk on a tightrope. If my heart gets broken and this is still just a fake relationship to him, my love career would probably be over before it starts. I don’t see myself bouncing back fromthat.
After a long soakin the tub that is bigger than our bathroom at home, while eating a massive late lunch in the room, I catch up on texts and emails with Callie, Franklin, Mom, andNathan.
I tell Callie about slow-dancing with John on the Bund at night and I tell Franklin that John has literally been fucking me silly. I write my mother to tell him what a perfect gentleman John is being, that his work and colleagues are very interesting, and that we’re eating a lot of good food. I tell Nathan that this John friend of his is pretty great—where has he been hiding him all mylife?
Callie writes back that Gracia came back to tidy up our apartment again and made heragua frescawith spring water, limes, cucumbers and watermelon. Callie wants to know if we can keep her and informs me that she will waterboard me withagua frescaif I ever break up with John. Unless we can hire Gracia to continue coming even if things don’t work out for me and him. She has seen me lose interest in so many guys over the past year or so, and maintain an interest in Julian. I think about letting her know that I now understand why she thinks Julian is so gross, but I don’t want to get her hopes up. About anything. So I send her a totally non-committalxoxowhich will probably drive her nuts, but she knows how busy people get in NYC, she’llunderstand.
Franklin sends me a picture of the guy he fucked silly last night. It’s a body pillow with a printed-out picture of John taped to it. He is notfunny.
My Mom asks if John and I would like to stay with them while we’re in Cleveland, that we at least have to go for supper. She says that Johnny invited them to his fundraiser event, but as much as they want to support him, she doesn’t want to leave their puppy alone for that long, and she has promised my father he will only have to put his good suit on again the day his children getmarried.
Message received,Mom.
Nathan sends back a surprised cat emoji. I drop my phone. That’s when I realize that he is in love with his girlfriend. Nathan has always despised emojis. He hates them even more than he hates the West Coast. He has never responded to anyone’s texts or emails if there is an emoji in it. Katie must use emojis, and therefore my brother now uses them. My whole body feels warm and fuzzy and shocked, like a surprised cat. What do you know? My brother is in love. Miracles do happen. Men change.Heartemoji.
I spendover an hour getting ready for the gala. I bought a special royal blue evening gown for the occasion at a boutique in San Francisco. It’s a sleeveless empire waist with a bodice and full skirt that hangs and moves beautifully. I also got a pair of pale pink Louboutin open toe stiletto pumps that are so beautiful and sexy they make me a little wet, if I’m being honest. I usually wear my hair either up in a messy or tight bun, or down and naturally wavy. Today I bring out the hair straightening iron. I lotion-up every inch of my skin and apply my lipstick with a lipstick brush. I even apply fake eyelashes, because this is Manhattan, I’ll be there representing John, who will be representing his foundation, and there will be some modest red carpet action. And also, I want John to have a non-stop boner as soon as he sees me, is thatwrong?
My phone dings and I expect it to be a text from Callie or Franklin, but it’s Julian again.Hey Babe, where are you? Can’t wait to seeyou.
He has never called me “Babe” before.Ever.
I type:Hi! I’m in town with a friend for a couple of nights only and we have a really tight schedule. Sorry I won’t be able to see you thistime!
Friendly without being flirtatious, to-the-point, doesn’t leave much room for misinterpretation or discussion.Send!
Immediate reply.Julian: Cool. Let me know if you have time to grab a drinktonight.
Um.No.
I don’t respond, because John will be back any minute and because gross. Notcool.
