Page 58 of Every Inch of You
Brad was my best friend. He really was. Even now. He was struggling with something, and I knew I should just let him deal with it on his own time, in his own way. My brain was tricking me into feeling angry, so I didn’t have to feel humiliated. I guess this is what Brad/Mitch was talking about when I’d first started training with him—I should channel the anger into workoutfuel.
Iwas verygrateful that I had a session. That would stop me from obsessing. It would get me out of my head and into my body. Into the moment. When I got to the gym for my session with Sebastian, Brad wasn’t there, and Sebastian was crabby because he was coming down with something. He was wearing a medical face mask, kept squirting anti-bacterial gel on his hands, and didn’t touch me or theequipment.
He told me that before he started working out regularly, his friends and family called him Sebastian the Crab. Because he was always so moody. Exercising changed his temperament. “Except fortoday.”
I wondered aloud, as I did my push-ups, why Mitch was so moody if he was always working out three hours aday.
“Well, we can all be grouchy when we aren’t at the gym. We have to be completely focused on our clients all day. Stay positive and focused. It’s exhausting. Look at me, I don’t even have time to be sick. Don’t sweat it—just enjoy the sex while youcan.”
“What do you mean while Ican?”
“I mean, while this little revenge fantasy thing is playing out. I mean.Wait.”
“I don’t have a revengefantasy.”
“I know. I was thinking about someone else. Never mind! Do fifty crunches.Now.”
I stopped doing push-ups and kneeled on the mat, looking up at him. I couldn’t see his big mouth under that medical mask, but I studied his glassy eyes, and I could see that he wasn’t teasing me or joking. He was nervous. He had said something that he realized he shouldn’thave.
“Sebastian. Is Brad just fucking me as part of some revenge plot because he thinks I broke his heart in highschool?”
“No talking—crunch.”
I gave him a look that told him I would crunch his nuts if he didn’t fess up immediately and he knew that I wouldtoo.
“Oh my God. Why didn’t I stay home today? It’s just something he said in passing, back when you first started coming here. And then when he had me take over. It doesn’t mean anything—people say shit! He’s totally into you—at least you’re part of his fantasy and you get to have sex with him! Everyone wins! Do you have any idea how many people would kill to have him take revenge all overthem?”
What…the…everlovingfuck.
No wonder he didn’t tell me he lovedme.
Hedoesn’t.
He just got what hewanted.
Sebastian sneezed into his face mask. “Shit.”
“You should go home,” I said. “I have totoo.”
“Wait—just forget what I said—I’m sure he’s changed his mind now. Honey—pleasedon’t…”
I left. I grabbed my bag and left. I didn’t cool down or stretch. I went home and lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling all night. I didn’t feel like drinking wine or eating pie or singing girly angst songs. I just felt. I felt too much to move. I could barely breathe. I didn’t answer Brad’s texts or even his call when he finally rangme.
It didn’t matterif he’d changed hismind.
The fact that he’d ever had the idea of purposefully breaking my heart meant that he wasn’t the Brad I thought Iknew.
It changedeverything.
