Page 56 of Every Inch of You
Sheshrugged.
“No, it’s important. People make mistakes, bad things happen. You’re a very intelligent person and you’re a good person. We all do things for the wrong reasons sometimes. Every single adult alive made bad choices when they were teenagers—that’s a fact. Every choice we make now is a new opportunity to change things for thebetter.”
She sniffled. “I think I read that on a calendaronce.”
“Shutup.”
“You don’t actually talk like that to your clients, doyou?”
“Yes I do, and I believe it and it’s true. Let’s leave the past in the past now. Okay? Let’s be together now.” I kissed her forehead, her damp tear-streaked cheeks, and then the back and the palm of her hand. I felt so good because we’d finally said what needed to besaid.
But then she sat up to face me, put her hands on my face and words tumbled from her beautiful mouth: “Brad, I love you. I wanted to tell you first. I mean, I wanted to tellyou.”
Suddenly, I couldn’tbreathe.
“I think I did in high school too, I just didn’t realize it because it was always so easy to be with you. Nobody ever tells you when you’re a kid that the guy who makes you feel comfortable and good about yourself is the one you should give your heartto.”
Despite what I had said a moment earlier, I was frozen. Frozen in time. I was hearing the words that I’d been dying to hear from her over eight years ago, and it was like a trigger—suddenly I was Fat Brad again. I was waiting for Hot Brad to jump out of the hotel closet, laughing and throwing hot dogs at me, telling me I’d beenpunked.
She loves you. Tell her you love her. Just say it out loud, youidiot.
“You don’t have to say it back. Really. I just needed to tell you. I’ve been wanting to tell you all day, and now Ihave.”
Saysomething.
I rested my forehead against hers. “Thank you. For tellingme.”
I’d never said it out loud to anyone who wasn’t family before. I felt it for her. I knew I was in love with her. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud. Once the moment had passed right after she’d said it, it just felt wrong to say it atall.
I blewit.
I’d have to make it up to her bigtime.
I just didn’t knowhow.
Orwhen.
LB was scratching on the door to the other room. I left Vivian to check on her. When I’d returned, Vivian was asleep, or at least pretending tobe.
* * *
The next morningwhen I got up at dawn, she was still fast asleep. We had already discussed it on the drive up—she wanted to sleep in while I went surfing at Indian Beach. Otherwise she’d be too worried about sharks and I’d be too worried about her to avoid getting eaten by sharks if there wereany.
Getting eaten by sharks would have been a sweet relief at thatpoint.
I had barely slept all night. I kept trying to rewrite that moment, going back to the second she’d told me she loved me, and saying it right then, or better yet—telling her I loved her as soon as she walked into my gym that first time, because even then on some level I knew that it wastrue.
I left her a note:Off to Indian Beach. Be back by 11. Already fed LB.xo
I wrote “xo” like a fucking teenage girl, because I couldn’t even write the words “I loveyou.”
It was bad. How could hearing the woman you love say “I love you” make you feel so bad about yourself? Something wasoff.
Maybe it wasa mistake to bring her on my first surf outing of the year. I always got my best ideas when I was surfing—because I could stop thinking. But as I paddled out on my board, I couldn’t stop thinking aboutVivian.
Watch the waves, just watch thewaves.
The fucking waves reminded me of Vivian having anorgasm.
It was just me and the Pacific Ocean and lord knows what was floating belowme.
This is how it feels. This is exactly how it feels with Vivian. Huge. Stunningly beautiful. Life-giving. Potentially terrifying. Completely out of my control.Everything.
I was so mesmerized by the thought that I didn’t pay attention to the wave coming in at me. I jumped up on my board too late and wiped out in the most pathetic way, it was humiliating. Fortunately no one was around to see it. But as I swam back to my board and clung to it, I knew I was losing my focus and I couldn’t let that happen. I survived getting knocked off my board—this was nothing. It should be so easy to enjoy the ride with her, but Vivian was the one person on Earth who could make me lose mybalance.
I realized what I needed to do—I needed to be Mitch. Not Fat Brad, not Hot Brad. Not Brad. Mitch. Mitch was the man. Mitch was the shit. Mitch always stayed focused and kept a low center of gravity. I was Mitch at the gym. I was Mitch out on the waves. Mitch stayed in the curl. He didn’t think about sharks or who was waiting for him back at theroom.
IwishI could say that I was Brad again when I got back to the room and found Vivian all packed up and waiting for me with breakfast. I wish I could tell you that when I saw how nervous she was, unable to look me in the eyes, I took her beautiful face in my hands and kissed her all over and told her that I loved her a thousand times. But Mitch is a tough guy to shake, especially after he’s ridden some pretty decent waves for a couple of hours and mastered cross stepping a longboard. He told her how he felt with his body, but the words didn’t come, even when hedid.
Because what ifI tell her I love her, give everything that I am to her, and it turns out that isn’t enough? Thenwhat?
