Page 55 of Every Inch of You
Chapter Nineteen
BRAD
Iwill always rememberthe drive to Cannon Beach as the most blissful drive of my life. I could tell that Vivian was enjoying it too. She was quiet, but always smiling. I mostly had one hand on the wheel and one hand on her thigh the entire time. I leaned over to kiss her at every stoplight. She had my kitten in a carrier on her lap, and we listened to podcasts, and I hadn’t been so completely at ease with her since before senioryear.
It was sunny but there were big fluffy cumulus clouds and a good breeze, the trees and shrubs were exploding with color amongst all the usual greens—and then it was like—POW—the ocean. Feeling the sun on my skin, breathing in the clean air as I drove towards the coast with my girls beside me—it was the kind of perfect moment that only came when you got out of your daily life and into an unknown space where your ego and your past can’t findyou.
If only Icould have stayedthere.
After checkinginto the deluxe suite at the inn, getting the Little Badass all set up in the small bedroom, I took Vivian to Oceanside. I surfed before the sun went down, while she watched me and walked the beach. I was just warming up, getting my body used to surfing again after about nine months. I had been planning to catch more waves the next morning at Indian Beach. We watched the sunset for a while, but I was really fucking cold after taking off my wetsuit, and Vivian insisted we get back inside. We held hands walking on the beach, back to the car, and I felt like such an idiot for never holding her hand while walking before, because it felt soperfect.
When we got back to the inn, we got into the hot tub on the private deck off our suite, and then we went to town on each other in the king-size hotel bed. Since she’d returned from Seattle we’d been having unprotected sex and I couldn’t get enough of her. It felt so good it scared me. I knew it would, but I couldn’t stop myself, that first time I saw her after she’d gotten back. After one weekend without her, I didn’t want any physical barriers betweenus.
I knew what it was like to have to live without her and that was before I’d even had sex with her. If she moved on to someone else again, I didn’t know what it would do to me. Of course, I reminded myself, I now had all kinds of techniques for dealing with setbacks—it was part of my job. I had to keep reminding myself of this. It just didn’t feel trueyet.
After we’d fuckedthe third time that night, she suddenly startedcrying.
“What’swrong?”
She shook her head. “Nothing. Nothing’s wrong atall.”
She had been so quiet for most of the day, I really wondered if there was something going on with her, or if I had said or done somethingwrong.
Ihadn’t.
Yet.
“Baby, don’tcry.”
“I can’t seem to stop detoxing. I’ve probably lost like five pounds of water weight from myeyeballs.”
“Don’t cry. It kills me to see youcrying.”
She nodded her head and tried to stop crying, but then she started sobbing and finally she said in a weird hiccup-y voice: “I just wish I’d gone with you toprom.”
Yeah. Welcome to my brain.“You have to stop beating yourself up aboutthat.”
“Why—because that’s yourjob?”
“Yes.”
“I just want you to know that I understand why it was so hard for you to let go of the prom thing. Everything that happened, everything that didn’t happen. I’ve been going back to that time over and over again too, for years, but it’s different because I felt guilt and regret instead ofanger.”
She started to laugh, but moisture shot out of one nostril. She was horrified. I wiped her nose with the sheet and she started laughing and crying again. “Shit. I’m hideous. Don’t look atme.”
“You could shoot a river of snot out your nose and I’d still be attracted toyou.”
She snort-laughed.
“Well that’s just gross,” Isaid.
She punched my arm. I didn’t even wince. It hurt her knuckles because my muscles are so hard. “Ow.”
I had gone quiet and must have looked veryserious.
“What?”
“I don’t want you to feel bad. I don’t want you to regret your choices. I don’t want you to question yourchoices.”
