Page 42 of The Sovereign: Part One
He breathed out a laugh.“You mean deactivate?”
“Yes.I mean, I’m not sure how it works, but it seems like an unfair sentence for you to just… exist.”
He watched me, thoroughly amused.“As opposed to… deactivating?”
“Notterminating, Maxim,” I said, covering my laugh.“Deactivating.”
For a moment, he looked adrift, as if processing something unexpected.
“What did I say?Was that rude?Stupid?It was probably stupid.”
“No,” he murmured, his gaze dropping as a nervous chuckle escaped.“It’s just… the first time I’ve heard you say my name.”
I raised a skeptical brow, turning my head slightly.“I’ve said your name before… I say it all the time.”I paused, catching the way his expression shifted.“But not to you.”A small smile tugged at my lips.“I’ll fix that.From now on, I’ll make sure to say it at least once a day.”
“That’s absurd.I would never expect that from you.Besides, I enjoy the surprise.”
Maxim traced the edge of the table with his thumb, his expression thoughtful.“You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about last night.”
“Oh?”I tilted my head, intrigued.
“I keep replaying that moment, the shift from anticipation to reality as the threshold slid open, revealing you, more breathtaking than even the first time I saw you.Our conversations, the way we kept testing the waters with each other.”
I smiled, remembering the thrill of the night before.“It truly was unforgettable, just like you promised it would be.”
He exhaled, then met my gaze.
“So,” I began, “speaking of dinner.What stood out to you the most?”
“The way you looked at me when I first arrived, like you were caught between excitement and doubting your own eyes, unsure if I was real or a rendering.It was indescribable to see all of those emotions scroll across your face.”
“I just… I’ve waited for you for a long time.I suppose it was a little hard to believe.Like you’ve said before, it’s surreal that I can hear your voice, touch you.I’d always thought the Vesture process was somewhat unnecessary, because we do so much dating leading up to the Veritas year, but now I understand.”
He nodded, trying to keep his face smooth.“You… dated a lot.”
I shrugged.“Everyone does.They encourage it, but it’s really a requirement.How else would we know?”
He seemed genuinely confused.“Know what?”
“Our preferences.”
He thought about that for a moment.“Meaning your results from Veritas and the Eidolon are… the sum of the men you’ve dated?”
I blinked.“Oh, ish,” I swore under my breath, reaching for his hand and squeezing it.“Yes, but no.And also, yes.It’s about interacting and gaining a deeper understanding of yourself in the process.If someone hurts my feelings—for example, if I recognize that I dislike raised voices, dishonesty, or manipulation—I take that knowledge, reflect upon it, and move forward.I hope that makes sense; I know I’m not explaining it efficiently… I…” I sighed, covering my face.
“Isara?”
I didn’t move my hands, shaking my head slightly. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking,” I said, my words muffled.“This is exactly why we’re directed not to speak of the Veritas Protocol.I can’t believe I…”
“Honey,” he said with just a hint of bemused concern.He gently wrapped his fingers around my wrist, applying the lightest pull.When I lowered my hands from my eyes, he continued, “My expression was a brief pang of… something.I’m not sure.Mostly it was a moment of clarity, of learning, and of understanding.Dating often leading up to your Veritas year makes sense, actually.It’s to better attune preferences, a social construct within Hyperion, and it works, or it wouldn’t continue.Forgive me.In hindsight, that information should’ve been viewed in a neutral light.I just wasn’t expecting the way it made me feel, to think of you with someone else.”
I groaned.“You sound like my neighbor, responding appropriately to spare my feelings.”
He gripped my hand.“Isara, no.That’s not what this is.I’m thinking out loud, I’m processing.You did nothing wrong.You were honest with me, and honesty is always the right choice, even when it’s difficult to hear.”
“It’s not that.I never want to make you feel…” I paused, trying to regain composure and gather my thoughts.“I know better than to speak without thinking.I’ve practiced since pre-tier.You were made for one person, for life.What I just said would sound foreign to me, too, if I were you.Actually, if the situation were reversed, that thought would hurt me.You’re more than a collection of inclinations and rejections from past relationships, more than a combination of preferences.You were uniquely chosen.”
The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt a man who looked at me the way Maxim did, and I needed him to understand.He’d rushed to console me, but I saw the expression on his face, and neither of us could deny it.
