Page 73 of Prudence
“It wasn’t imagined. In fact, it never went away. I still love him. I always will. We’re—” Unbidden, tears filled my eyes, but I managed to sniff them back. I was angry that she was using Deirdre against me. This wasn’t about my daughter. It was about the fact that she’d lied deliberately to influence me when I was young and impressionable and looked up to her even more thanI did my own parents. Now I saw her for what she really was, a deeply insecure person who held grudges and manipulated people for her own ends.
A fleeting look of disgust passed over her face, like she found me pathetic, but then she forcibly softened her features as she reached across the table to pat my hand. “It was for the best. Look at the incredible life you’ve built, your amazing career. You wouldn’t have that if it wasn’t for me.”
“That’s not true. It might’ve taken me longer without your help, but I would’ve gotten where I am today regardless.”
“Was it not my ex-husband’s recommendation that got you your position at the Royal Marsden?”
“True, perhaps I wouldn’t have gotten that job without his referral, but I would’ve gotten one somewhere else. Nell, I don’t understand why we’re discussing this. What I really want to know is why you lied? Why was it so important to you that I saw Padraig as the villain when, really, he was just as scared as you were? I wouldn’t have judged you if you’d simply told me the truth. I’d have just as much sympathy for you as I did for him.”
Her expression flattened, and I could tell by the hardness in her gaze that she was quietly fuming. When she didn’t speak, I softened my voice, “Please. All I’m asking for is the truth.”
“I did it because I hated him!” she exploded suddenly, and I sat back in my seat, stunned by her outburst. A couple at the next table over glanced our way in concern. “He should have done the right thing and married me. I was carrying his child, and he should have stepped up to his responsibilities. I don’t care how young he was. I was young, too. But he imagines himself the gentleman just because he promised to take care of the child. How was I supposed to rely on a verbal promise alone? Then he goes on to become this big successful hotel magnate with a beautiful wife and three perfect children. He made the ideal lifefor himself, all the while never giving a care to what he did to me, how he discarded me.”
“That’s not true. He did think about you. I think he thought about you a lot over the years and regretted his actions.” So much so that when Paloma turned up on their doorstep pregnant, he’d reminded Derek of his responsibilities. Was that out of guilt for his own past actions?
“I see you’ve already been swayed to his side,” Nell sniffed as she picked up her bag and slid it over her shoulder, rising from her seat.
“I’m not on anyone’s side. None of this ever should’ve been about picking sides,” I replied sadly. “It was a horrible thing, and I’m sorry that it happened to you, but there were no villains in the story, not really.”
She lifted her chin, refusing to see sense. “I always knew this would happen. You were my favourite, Milly. I saw you as a young version of myself, and I’d hoped to be a guiding force in your life. If you’d started dating the Balfe boy, you would’ve been swept up into his orbit. You’d have joined Padraig’s family and distanced yourself from me. After what that man did to me, there was no way I was letting him steal my goddaughter away to become a part of his picture-perfect life.”
“That’s not what would’ve happened,” I said, my voice clear and steady. “You always would’ve had me in your life. I loved you, looked up to you in so many ways. You didn’t need to deceive me to keep me with you. The truth would’ve garnered just as much sympathy as the lie, and that’s the sad part.”
Aunt Nell stared at me for a long time. At last, she said, “If that’s how you feel, then I’m sorry, but I maintain that your life turned out for the better, so I don’t regret keeping you away from that boy.”
Her stubbornness was galling, but it didn’t surprise me. Aunt Nell wasn’t a woman to ever admit wrongdoing. Shewalked away and out of the restaurant, leaving me alone at the table while the server cast me a furtive glance. I picked up a napkin and dabbed at my eyes, swallowing down the rest of the tears that wanted to fall.
Was this it? Was my relationship with my aunt over? I was too overwrought by emotion to think clearly, but I just couldn’t see myself getting past the fact that she didn’t seem to feel a shred of guilt. If she’d sat across from me and expressed regret for the decisions she’d made as a younger woman, then maybe I could’ve found it in myself to move past it. But no, she’d held firm to the idea that she’d been right all along, and that was the most heartbreaking part.
Deep down, I wondered if any of it was even about Padraig and what he’d done to her. Perhaps at the core of it all, Nell was never going to approve of any boy unless he was someone she’d chosen personally, like Colin. I remembered when my neighbour PJ had asked me out and how she’d been appalled by the idea, swaying my opinion against him. I suspected Aunt Nell was simply used to controlling those around her and getting to make decisions for the people in her life. I’d always thought her three marriages had ended because she was so career focused, but maybe that hadn’t been it. Her need for control and her inability to compromise could’ve pushed her partners away or caused resentment.
Back when I was young, I’d always been so grateful for her generosity, how she’d helped my parents out time and again with money. But ultimately, that kept us all doing everything she wanted. It was just another form of control.
Feeling bad that we’d left the server waiting, and also that we’d taken up a table in a popular restaurant during their busy period, I ordered several dishes to go, deciding that Derek and the girls would probably be hungry when I got back. I left the server a generous tip, too, then went outside to look for a taxi.
By the time I got back to Colin’s house, I found the place empty. Derek and the girls were nowhere to be found, so I checked my phone and found a text from about an hour ago.
Derek: We went out for food and a walk in the park. Should be back in a few hours. x
The kiss lifted my mood a little as I placed the food in the fridge for later and went to the room I was staying in. The one next to it was Derek’s, and he’d left the door ajar. I saw his small suitcase at the foot of the bed and a few of his things scattered across the comforter. Some people might’ve been uneasy about hosting the man they were falling in love with under the roof of their child’s father, but my relationship with Colin wasn’t typical of exes.
When I asked if it was okay for Derek and Gigi to stay at his house while he was away, Colin had been more than happy to oblige. It was one of the reasons our relationship had never worked out. Colin’s love was light and easy going, not at all possessive or all-consuming. I needed so much more than easy. I needed to be desired and fought for. I needed to be someone they couldn’t stand to live without, and that was exactly how Derek made me feel.
When he walked into a room full of people, it was like I was the only person there. I knew it wasn’t a common thing, that the connection we shared was rare and precious, something to be treasured.
Tingles danced down my spine as I thought of the way he looked at me, the pleasurable shiver a good distraction from my sadness and disappointment in Aunt Nell. Her walking out of that restaurant today without any resolution, and her refusal to apologise, really did feel like the final nail in the coffin. Sadness gripped me that I’d lost a family member I’d once held dear, but sometimes it took half a lifetime to finally see a person clearly.
Slipping off my shoes and cardigan, I laid down in bed, meaning only to rest my eyes for a little while, but I ended up drifting off to sleep.
When I woke up, it was to a soft knock on my bedroom door.
“Milly, are you in there?” Derek called, and I replied somewhat groggily, “Yes, I was just napping.”
He hesitated a moment, then said, “I dropped the girls off at Deirdre’s friend’s house. I told them I’d be back to collect them in a couple hours.”
“Okay.”
There was a short pause before he asked, “Are you all right?”
