Page 61 of Prudence
I watched her leave, fighting the urge to cancel my meeting so I could lock us both away in here and finally taste her like I’ve been fantasising about for weeks. Thinking back on my initial plan to keep my distance, it struck me how futile it was. There was no universe, no dimension, in which I didn’t want her, and unlike before, I wouldn’t let her go so easily this time around.
20.
Milly
I’d just gotten home after checking out of the hotel, and my chest refused to quit swirling with butterflies while my stomach twisted with nerves.Derek knew. Somehow, he’d figured out that my rejection of him all those years ago wasn’t a simple case of me not being in love with him.
Why did you really say no to me that day on the beach?
I mean, why else would he ask me that question? And how had he suddenly made the realisation that there was more to me saying no that day?”
The truth was I was ashamed of the real reason I’d said no, how easily influenced I’d been by Aunt Nell. After talking with Padraig, I realised she hadn’t been entirely honest with me, and it had broken my heart a little. This woman who I’d looked up to my entire life, who was always there for me when I needed her, had felt the need to lie to me. It made no sense at first, but as I thought on it some more, I began to understand why she might’ve been dishonest.
If I were to believe Padraig’s version, he hadn’t told her to terminate the pregnancy like she’d said. He’d merely refused to marry her, and in her eyes, that was as good as him telling her he didn’t want the baby.
But, of course, Padraigcouldbe lying. However, he’d only just regained consciousness after fainting, and in my medical experience, people didn’t possess the forethought to lie in those situations. They were too out of it to think deceptively. And besides, what reason did he have to lie to me? I wasn’t anyone important to him. He was beloved by his family, and I didn’tthink there was a lot that could change that, not even his daughter’s friend revealing an unfavourable story about him from the past.
But Aunt Nell was different. She had a reason to lie because although the full truth would’ve still provoked my sympathy, I might not have gone along with her request to stay away from Derek so easily. I would’ve felt for her fearing the prospect of bringing a child into the world as an unwed mother during the seventies when it was severely frowned upon, but I also would’ve felt for Padraig being a young man who didn’t feel ready for marriage at seventeen. It was a difficult situation for all parties, and though I didn’t doubt that Nell thought she’d been protecting me with the omission, I surmised there was a little selfishness on her part, too.
I’d thought she was a saint for letting me live with her and paying for me to go to college in London. Now I saw how she was using me as a substitute daughter because her life in the city was lonely and having me there was a comfort. Somehow, she foresaw that if I got involved with Derek, I’d get wrapped up in him and never would’ve chosen to move to London. Maybe it was her plan for me all along, to offer me a glamourous city life after I finished school. A life where I wouldn’t have to worry about money or accommodation. And in return, she’d have a family member around to make her spacious penthouse apartment on the Thames feel less like a sterile museum full of art and sculptures and expensive furniture.
Conflict created a searing pain in my chest because I was torn between feeling sorry for her and furious at her for blatantly manipulating me to get her way.
The only way to discover the full truth of why she’d done it was to confront my aunt in person, but the idea of having that conversation made me feel nauseous. A very big part of me was hoping that my theories were all wrong, that Padraig was the onelying and the woman I’d looked up to all my life was the same kind, generous person I’d always thought her to be.
The buzz of my phone dragged me from my thoughts, and I saw a text pop up from Nuala.
Hey! Aidan’s gotten us some free tickets for Alanis Morrisette at the castle tonight. Everyone’s going. Care to join?
I read over the message, wondering if “everyone” included her brother. I’d promised to come clean to Derek, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that conversation yet. It meant revealing a story about his father that could cause drama during a time when his family was already struggling with a health scare.
Then again, if the whole gang was going to be at the concert, then there wouldn’t be much chance for us to talk privately. Plus, I did love Alanis, and I’d been lonely since Deirdre had gone to London to be with her dad. Now that I was no longer staying at the hotel, the house felt particularly quiet without her.
Decision made, I texted back,Sure, sounds fun!Then I went to check if I had anything suitable to wear. Despite being nervous to have the big talk with Derek, I was also anxious to see him. I’d barely been able to get our encounter at his parents’ house out of my head since his father’s health emergency and the subsequent stressful few days that followed.
Today he’d stood before me in his office positioned between my legs as I sat on his desk, making me feel like my entire body was made entirely of butterflies. Gone was the flat scowl I’d received from him when I’d first moved back into town. Now when he looked at me, it was with an expression that made me feel so hot I might spontaneously combust.
I chose my favourite blue dress and took a shower before styling my hair in a loose bun. A little while later, there was a honk outside, and I peered through the window, spotting Nuala’s car outside. Grabbing my things, I headed out and found Gigi sitting next to her in the front seat.
“Hi, Milly, Gigi and I have just been to the salon to get our hair and nails done,” Nuala said as I slid into the back seat. “What do you think?”
“You both look amazing. Are you coming to the concert with us, too?” I asked Gigi, but she shook her head. “I’m spending the night with Grandma. We’re going to order a Chinese takeaway and watch movies. I’ve never heard of Alanis …” She glanced at Nuala. “What’s her second name again?”
“Morissette,” Nuala answered before tugging on Gigi’s ear. “Thanks for making us feel old.”
I chuckled, and Gigi smirked before bringing her attention back to me. “Is Deirdre having a good time in London with her dad?”
“Yes, I spoke with her this morning. She said she misses you.”
“I miss her, too. The summer would’ve been way better with her around.”
The glumness in her voice had me speaking impulsively, “I’m going to visit her for a few days next month. If your dad agrees, I’d be happy to bring you along. Deirdre would love it.”
Gigi’s eyes widened with excitement. “To London? Really? Oh, my goodness, could we keep it a secret and surprise her?”
I smiled. “I don’t see why not.”
“You’ll have to make sure it doesn’t clash with our trip to Rome,” Nuala said to Gigi before explaining to me, “I’m taking her to see her mam in concert when she plays there next month.”
