Page 53 of Prudence
I was also a little disappointed that he hadn’t come to say a quick hello or even looked at me since he’d appeared. My stomach felt hollow as I wished for him to turn my way, and that was a troubling sign. Maybe I didn’t have as good of a leash on my feelings for him as I’d thought. The realisation had my skinturning uncomfortably warm and my pulse racing with a sense of panic. Was there any backtracking from this?
Derek’s parents appeared then, alongside his younger brother, Tristan. They all went to sit at one of the tables while Paloma regaled them with stories of being on tour with Rosanna Dove. Gigi sat next to her mother the entire time, completely starry eyed as she listened to her speak. I saw the resemblance between them, matched up the parts of both Gigi and Pablo that they’d inherited from their mother. Deirdre was at the other end of the garden talking with some of the teenage girls in attendance, so I remained sitting alone, sipping my wine and observing the party.
Mainly, I found myself studying Paloma, her natural charisma and charm. The way she so effortlessly held court. Not a single hint of nerves showed even though she was the sole focus of everyone’s attention. I could never be that way. As soon there were more than two or three pairs of eyes on me, I tended to panic and mess up my words. It was clear how Derek fell for her, how the two of them got swept up in a whirlwind romance that summer when they met in Spain. My heart ached a little because I’d never really experienced that kind of thrill, not when it came to relationships. Sure, I’d been attracted to my past partners, but it wasn’t an all-consuming passion. The closest I’d ever come to feeling truly wrapped up in another person was the year I’d spent with Derek as a teenager. And even then, I could never fully relish the way he made my heart race, how my skin tingled whenever he touched me, even in the most innocuous of ways. Everything with Derek was always shrouded by guilt. Guilt that I was betraying Aunt Nell just by being friends with him.
My aunt had been older back then than I was now, and as I thought of her, I felt a certain bitterness. Yes, she’d helped me in so many ways when I was starting out in life, supporting me through having Deirdre and everything that came with havinga baby and studying at the same time. But it felt wrong that she’d made me promise never to have anything other than a casual friendship with Derek. Who made a teenager make such a promise just because of a personal hurt that was done to them decades earlier? I certainly couldn’t imagine doing something like that to Deirdre or any other young person in my life, no matter what terrible thing might’ve befallen me.
Maybe I was just feeling sorry for myself as I watched Paloma and the Balfes reconnect. I felt like an outsider, and I was allowing old pain to fester into resentment. I didn’t want to be that person, and I needed to remind myself to be happy with the life I had because it was a good life, even if it was missing the relationship part.
“You look like a woman who could use some sugar,” came a voice, and I glanced up to find Tara standing over me, holding out a delicious-looking cupcake with pink frosting.
I chuckled. “Isn’t that always the case?” I took the offered treat, and Tara sat down next to me in the seat Nuala had vacated.
“So, Paloma’s back,” she said, staring in the direction I’d been looking for the last while. “She’s infuriatingly gorgeous, isn’t she?” I pressed my lips together, swallowing down the thick lump that had lodged in my throat. Tara cast me a glance. “Sorry.”
“What are you apologising for?”
“You and Derek were always—”
“Friends,” I finished for her. “We were always friends.”
“He wanted to be a lot more than friends back in the day. You did, too, but you were so shy back then. You kind of still are, but you’ve gotten a little less inhibited over the years.”
“My shyness wasn’t the reason we never became more than friends,” I told her, and she arched a curious eyebrow.
“No? Why, then?”
I slumped in my seat and took a bite of the cupcake. It was delicious, just as I expected. “It’s complicated.”
“Wow, that is the most dejected I’ve ever seen a person look whilst eating a cupcake. Can I take a picture?”
I scowled at her. “Shut up. And no, you cannot.”
Tara chuckled. “Seriously, though, whatever the reason, if you still want him, I think you should be open about it. He’s single now, and so are you. You two clearly still have a thing for one another, so why not? Have some fun and enjoy your life.”
I cast her a sceptical look. “What do you mean we clearly still have a thing for one another?”
“Exhibit A: How you were just looking at him before I decided to cheer you up with a cupcake. Exhibit B: Howhewas looking at you from the kitchen window while you were out here talking to Nuala just before the ex-wife turned up.”
Something fluttery unfurled in my chest. He’d been looking at me through the window? Did that mean my presence hadn’t gone completely unnoticed by him like I’d thought? “Elaborate.”
Tara smirked and stood from her seat. “I don’t think he realised I was there organising the cupcakes, but I know what I saw. The man has athirst. Anyway, I’d better be getting back inside. Still got lots of cakes to distribute.”
I caught her wrist. “Tara.”
Her expression softened before she replied, “Fine. Let’s just put it this way, he looked like a man staring at an oasis of water he desperately wanted to drink from.”
My heart pounded loudly in my ears. “That can’t be—”
“Hey, I just got poetic for you, and I would never willingly utter anything so cringe if it weren’t the truth. So, think about it. I hope you decide to go for the option of having a little fun.” With that, she winked and strutted away, leaving me feeling like I’d just run a marathon as my heart was pounding so fast. Had Derek really been looking at me like Tara had described? Andwhat right did I have to feel so fluttery at the thought of him wanting me, yearning for me?
“Mum, will you take some pictures of me and Gigi?” Deirdre asked, distracting me from my thoughts. She held out her phone, the two girls standing before me. I looked around and saw that the family gathering had dispersed, and most everyone had moved towards the food tables. I couldn’t see Derek, but Paloma was sitting by the rose bushes and talking with his mother, Jo.
I turned to smile at my daughter. “Of course. Where would you like to take them?”
The girls led me over to a large maple tree near the end of the garden, and I spent the next twenty minutes conducting a pseudo fashion shoot for the two of them before they were finally satisfied that they got a couple of good shots.
“Did you talk to Gigi’s dad about me sleeping over yet?” Deirdre asked, reminding me that I had yet to speak with Derek.
